i think i thought i would write more here. but i just haven’t created space for time to sit and hangout with just me. i’ve been folded up on the old plaid couch thats out in the front room, watching tv and movies, eating pizza and spring rolls. theres a picture of me and my two brothers laying on this couch and another one exactly like it..i’m seven years old and we are all reading. oh sometimes, why don’t I pick up a book and read more?
i used to read a lot when i was younger. i suppose i do more writing now, but its a different stimulent isn’t it.
but this couch has been in our family for about 15 years. and its in my house now and i wonder if it will last long enough for my own kiddies to read their books and wipe their snotty noses on the armrests.
i’ve done the dishes for the day, swept and mopped… even went up to the laundry spot up top the hill. i went to one of those water dispensers to. put in five, one baht coins and got 5 litres.
i’ll water the plants later on, but for now i’ll sit facing the wall.
when it comes to the scale of happiness, my meter is running a little low. i wanted to get a bunch of things done in his time off, but his dads sick.
i’ve never been in this position and it feels funny.
im doing the ginger steps and the soft, easy happy. but i know he’s not the same. sometimes i get frustrated because i don’t know how to be or what to do and things just seem at a stand still. like we’re putting in time, but not taking time out. not taking time on nice walks and good conversations.. not taking time out for dinner or holding times hand. and that frightens me big time. i don’t usually think i’m on pause when it comes to life… i like to be productive and laugh-ready, to be creative with my time and not sit so much on the old plaid couch and watch movies and tv.
i renew my understanding almost everyday based on the fact that these days carry circumstances that justify some type of sadness.
we are allowed to feel down and be upset and sometimes we need those hours for exactly that. to feel crap.
and the only way i let myself feel crap and be crap is because i know i am capable of being better.
i know that being down is part of what enables me to recognize my happiness meter and its top of the charts goodness.