Raw Turbulence

i do feel off. like the shirts and the shoes and the hairstyles just aren’t right. its a sinking, rotting feeling and it aint too comfortable. we’re not talking as much as we should and im side stepping around him as if his self and words are glass. im sure if it wasn’t for sex the last few days, we’d be off in our own world, without much interaction between one another.
but he really couldn’t leave things like that.. when anything has ever been even remotely wrong, he confronts it and insists we look at ourselves in the mirror and talk about it. but… its more touchy these days..

im okay with doing our own thing under the same roof. i really am. and living together is new for the both of us. and then with his dad in the hospital, well it doesn’t mesh all too nicely. we’ll figure it out, i know. these are just wavering days and moments, where we’re snappable and easy to set up Argument Camps with. even get all the machinery and weaponry out.

i need to do my own thing. and i haven’t been out there doing it. i’m becoming unhappy because i am not surrounding myself with happy things. i am not contacting other people and being free and feeling good. ive been sticking myself in this bubble, feeling and yes, wanting to be with him, but in the end, without our own space, we snap our beaks and i eat wrong and feel fat and get sad because of this.
i want to get the things we talked about, in order. to get the full length mirror and set up a bank account for me and i want him to clean the internal of my computer before it dies completly. its been going the past few months and each time he is back from his time off he says he’ll work on it. i understand this time its faltering due to his dad being bed ridden, but it irks me how it is taking him months for him to do something he says he was going to do.
and he leaves glasses of stuff on the table and doesn’t put them in the sink and leaves hair on the edge of the sink. should i REALLY be caring about any of this stuff? i suppose the matter is, that it does. and how do we go about fixing that?
he doesn’t make me happy these days and i know its partly due to myself. but it gets draining when i’m the one that is more bubbly and happier and he just doesn’t come up and match it. hes a downer right now and i suppose that its only human to be down every now and then. but i can see how its putting stress on our relationship and it doesn’t make me want to be around him. thats okay sometimes, isn’t it?

today is the first day i have sat inside the bedroom with the door closed, while he sits out and does his morning routine of watching tv and playing video games. i realize he takes awhile to wake up and i know im more like my pops when it comes to waking up and feeling pretty spunky. ovbiously not everyone is like this and i take this into consideration and i don’t even really talk to him unless he talks to me.
im getting frustrated with these days and how long they’ve been dragging out. i need to go out there and do something to make this better. factors add together to make it an uncomfortable situation and unpleasant journeys keep happening within each day.
i need to be better at my lack of yes. i need not to argue as much and set up attacks towards him just for the sake of doing it. i do it so much these days i dont even realize it. i can agree with him can’t i, he’s my partner. why do i insist on grabbing the pitchforks and iron shields?
i guess we get it from each other. his argueing ability, to feel he has to add on to everything i say ,and not just enable the reply with a ‘ ya i think so to jen’.. . instead he tacks on other things that make me feel he didn’t even hear what i said. but i’m in the wrong to, with blame swirling around right in the stomach!

we get into habits way too easily and without much notice. do i be strict right away.. do i tell him please don’t leave coffee in the mugs because its harder to clean them when it hardens. do i tell him i feel bad when its like hes waiting for me to get out the dishes for our ordered in food. do i tell him i feel bad because i think he expects me to get him drinks and to be at his every need. even if it is just me thinking that… its still there. and we’ve been dating for three years?  maybe beCAUSE its been three years, this stuff happens… its my longest relationship and the first time feeling like i’m supposed to be doing all this stuff.. and thats another thing that makes me upset and grouchy. i feel embarressed that i don’t know how to cook or iron pants or shirts properly. i feel bad so i take it out on him because if it wasn’t for him, i wouldn’t feel the lack of household chores i know how i do.
i guess this whole living together thing and his dad thing.. combined is earthquake material.. i’ve been tip-toeing around with caution in my hands and i’m thinking my toes really are starting to hurt. im trying to just stick with it while it passes. because it will. i know . this is part of growing up, right?
i just… im capable of making it pass with more ease. with better insight and understanding and with a more joyful nature.

i dont spend much time on my computer because its dying. and i know i’ll cut its lifespan if i go on just to watch some videos or even to read blogs on here. its not good because i feel i rely on my computer… to keep my innards in order so that my outward daily life is.
maybe thats nagging in the back of my head to…
its where i lose myself sometimes and without that, well, i guess i feel like im losing myself in these routine type of days instead. oh the wonders of pressing words and making them fit all nicely on a shelf that you can come back to and pull to read..

it’s got comfort in the yoke, and i’m sure, eventually, i’ll come to terms with growing up.

This entry was posted in Journal.

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