Sleep Training- The First Night

I’m on my knees on a padded cushion, my hands over and into the crib, rubbing my babies’ back and trying to hum. I’m trying and not just doing, because I am sobbing. My body is shaking and my head is against the bars and I’m letting my tears run and I’m letting my heart race.

In those moments, all you want to do is pick your baby up. You know he will stop crying, you know what will make him stop and there’s a hundred of the same questions flinging through your head, ‘ am i doing this right?’ ‘ should he be crying this much?’
And you can’t pick him up after 20 minutes, because you have read all the books that say ‘to give in, is to erase all the work you’ve done thus far’. It is better to not even start if you are incapable of finishing.
So I hold off and I can feel my heart lurch and my stomach feels sick and I feel sick and I’m not going to eat dinner tonight. My head gets dizzy and I keep patting his bum while he keeps wailing and I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know what else to do.

My heart hurts
but when his cries turn into whimpers, and the whimpers eventually into still shudders,
there is a relief that floods through my entire self and I know, I know I’ve done the right thing. I feel strong and powerful and I feel that I could do it again, I could do it again.
If I had to.

But it’s never as hard as this night.
The first night is the worst. And I make myself believe that they get easier because I’m strong. That my strength is what will break habits before they even begin.

I hate when you cry,
but I love that I hate it.
It means I will react, that I will do, that I will try,
that I will try and be,
the best Mother I can be for you.

The Thawing Pieces of Your Life

There’s frozen gumps of plaster in all our lives. It’s just thawing out and every once in awhile we get the drips. We feel the melt.
These arrive in forms of Arguements, Sarcasim, Jokes, and Oblivion.

The people in our lives are affected and are often the ones producing the warmth that begin the melt. Others enter during the process and fuel it.

But there is always us involved. We are the table on which the gumps sit. We provide the platform and sometimes even the tools that make thawing possible.

We are not always going to be solid through and through. We all have our soft spots and weak joints and we are not always going to be good at hiding them.
Either way we are responsible to collect the drips and bring them to the involved individuals in order to make the transition of solid to liquid easier.

To prevent the mess.

All in all, talk about those melting pieces, and talk about the melted. Talk about the whole, talk about the existence of what is happening.
If we recognize what parts drip faster, perhaps we can determine the reason why.
If we can distinguish the reason, in the end the affect of the liquid won’t be something we drown in, but something we can swim through with ease.

Take your thawing to a new level.

Getting over Hills with a Baby

My son is almost four months old.
I’m finally pretty darn confident I know what he wants each time he cries! I’ve learned it over the past while and it’s a hill I feel connected to and am proud about.
But there will always be hills when it comes to raising a child.
The next one that is already at my feet deals with habits.
I know what will stop my baby from crying but do I want him to depend on it months later? Do I want him to need my boob or for me to be laying next to him, in order to fall asleep?
This is something I’ve been faltering with.

This is a hill I must get over.
By doing so I will have to hear my baby cry more. I will have to use other things to soothe him… to vary it before dependence becomes an issue.
But he will for much longer, depend on the things I provide.
Depend on me for the things he needs.

That Good Feel

Do you ever find that somedays are extra goodly good? You wake up and there really is no specific reason that comes to your head about why today feels so gosh darh lovely. If you look a bit closer maybe you can assemble the pieces for this. You got a good sleep, you’re excited to eat bacon as usual and the sky is bright. Maybe it is breezy outside and breeze to you, always counts as adventure.
Maybe its because your baby is in good spirits and has you laughing. Maybe because you bought a pile of groceries the night before and know you picked up those special soft nantucket cookies that are sensational to eat!
So many little things that can add to the goodness feel. Sometimes we forget that just being with our significant other is what makes us happy. When we become so used to things being around us, we forget that we’d be unhappy without it. Like breath. We all take that for granted. We all forget about it. But things like the capability of playing guitar, or interacting with others in a conversation.. the way we can smell the neighbours cooking there breakfast or hear the kids riding there bicycles around.

And it really is kind of sweetly so to think about when I tell you that today, the day I write and post these words, is not one of these good days. I awoke with a cold and had a yuckified sleep with split minutes of wake throughout. Nose has ran all morning but yet,
I write of good things, because sometimes,
that is the specific that can help make today feel so gosh darn lovely.

Mother and a Last Name

A lot of life changes when you have a baby. But I think I’m still in the process of feeling like a mother. It’s like a new last name. Doesn’t feel quite like yours until you write it down enough and use it.

You see. There’s a secret in my life that only my parents and best friend know.

I’m married.

We signed on May 2nd here in Thailand. We didn’t even have a ceremony for it so it was far from romantic. But there was a beauty to it that you can’t just get anywhere.
We were planning on getting married the year after, and planned to have kids then- but baby Zeek wanted to come in the year of the dragon! My year!

The reason not many know this is because I want to be able to go through all that engagement stuff and plan a wedding. I fear it will take away from the experience if everyone knows I have already signed my life away!

Now Zeek has a Canadian passport and is awaiting the approval of his citizenship. He also holds a Thai passport and eventually will have a British one. I will to.

I don’t feel married to Morgan, specially without the ring, but on the occasion that we must expose our secret, part of me warms up.
And I suppose that’s probably what it’s like for any woman after they get married. Words like ‘ my hubby’ are used often and there is an excited accent to all conversation that drives towards the marriage. Understandably so.It’s a big commitment. I’ve steered away from those words for I truly want our ‘wedding day’ to be when we become husband and wife.
When that day actually arrives, in which we celebrate getting married, I’m certain all those new feelings will arise. It will feel more official even though signing papers is the most official thing you can do on a wedding day!

In both cases, the big day has happened. I don’t feel like a mother, nor do I feel married but if enough time goes by, those roles will root themselves deep.
For now, I’ll live in the channel of the unfelt title and stretch about, because of course, never ever, will I ever not be either a mother or a wife.

New Baby and the Caretaker

I had a baby three months ago and since I live abroad, we took a trip back to my homeland for the holidays.

My sister,parents and my best friend had already met the lil gaffer so it was my other two brothers and the rest of friends and family that were introduced to him.
It’s my first child, the first grand baby and I’m certain my brothers had not been around a baby that size in ever.

I came to a few conclusions that trip.
Information to use if i ever have grand babies.. or even if im going to babysit someone else’s child. .

Watch the mother.
I have only been with my baby every day for the past three months, and sure, sometimes it still takes awhile for me to figure out why he’s upset but generally I know what’s going on with him.

So as a grandmother, watching how your child is with theirs, is quite a clear indication of how you should be with baby.

If Mom holds the baby upright and walks around, and baby is quiet, so should you do the same.
If baby is content without being spoken to, maybe a bunch of babble isn’t a good idea.
I understand that by being the mother, baby has a certain attachment to her and if it works for mom it doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for grandma. But it still doesn’t mean you do opposite, you do completely different from her.

It just confused me is all. Watching my mother try things that I knew zeek was not going to like. If she just had watched me with him for a few days, she would know he likes to be carried a certain way and she would notice that I talk to him most in the morning and not so much later on, when I know he’s getting tired.

Saying all this, I also realize that Grandmom has raised four of her own and what worked for us, is probably what she’s trying out on Zeek. It makes sense but we all know each baby is different.

So if ever you find yourself in a situation with the title ‘ newest grandmother or father, cousin or aunt ‘ or just someone whose friend had a baby… Watch how your daughter, sister or friend is with their infant. What do they do to try and calm them?
How do they hold baby? What mood is baby in when mom is doing that?