I’ve lived in Thailand so long that things get vignetted.
Edges blur and I am this person that is living in such a way that my interaction with this country is minimun. It is sad but just the way that it has happened.
There are so many stages I have went through while living here. Homesick for the first five months back in 2008 and then on the outskirts of the culture by teaching. Once I dipped my toes in, it was the following year that I full fledge dove in. I went to school. I began to write and read Thai. I was so focused, was so involved that when I lifted my head up, I realized how intense, how strong the current I had whipped up. The progress that I had made blew me away. Distractions really mess you up. They can really throw you off track but I was determined to get in close. I’m out of that involvement now. I’m not holidaying here, I’ve tasted the wind underneath their feetSt, I’ve rode the dirty buses in Bangkok and I’ve snorkled with fish in the south. I’ve been a subsitute and taught my native language to Thais’ and I’ve done presentations in front of 50 or 60 of them.
Now I am so in, that I am out. I walk my baby down roads watching the streets for holes and wires, but I don’t look often at the people around me. I stick in my own mode of moving. Of my bubble.
I recognize that the city I live in- in Thailand, is dangerous. People may not always mean harm but i have become so hardened to it, that protecting my child is mostly all that I think about.
I am in this bag of itchy particles that I have created myself. In this whirled thickness and sometimes I really want out. I want to be a better person by finding a balence that allows me to be safe, but not so inverted and I hope that with this awareness I am able to do so.
I’m putting a Mom post here because I think what I’ve learned can apply to other parts of life as well.
We did the sleep training thing, putting him down and letting him cry and it sucked big time and what I’m really trying to get at is that if you have a better understanding about what you are doing, everything will be better.
I didn’t know. I walked into the whole thing, with only bits and pieces of information. I was gunnin’ for the outcome and didn’t take the time to look at the situation from all angles.
And it was bad because I kept questioning myself whether I was doing the right thing. I wasn’t confident. I felt like I had failed before even fully trying.
And I thought to myself, ‘ I have got to fix this’
So I spent a few hours, reading about the situation I was trying to fix. How long do I let baby cry, when do I do this and is he really hungry, maybe that is why he’s crying.. isn’t that why?
Even though there were so many different opinions out there, I found the one I wanted. I created mine out of what I had read and I put it towards my own situation with my own child.
That night even before I put him down, I felt better about what I was doing. I had no questions and was secure in my decision than ever. I did feel bad, but I didn’t cry. I knew in my heart that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was at peace with my decision!
Somehow I could feel that he sensed this. He seemed okay with it all. Like he trusted me.
We can apply this to everyday things. Tests, speeches, in groups.. if we know the subject, if we know our stuff, our confidence in our knowledge , in ourselves.. will seep through and make for a positive end.
If we are unsure about something, gathering as much information as we can about it, will increase our chances of a better outcome.
I dream around mountains and swim through the saltiest seas to see the bestest fishies.
I would make you guess what this post is all about but I KNOW you KNOW.
For my birthday I got a PLAYPEN!
At the beginning of this month I started sucking my thumb. Throughout, I’ve just been practising getting up on my knees and turning over every which way. New this month: I started rocking back and forth, I started solids! and I started recognizing that Mommy and Daddy are still there, even when I can’t see them!
Oh Boy. When, with every minute I feel I have to be doing something productive… that’s when I know I’m on the end of the string. When my mind can’t keep one thought straight and I’m putting make up on at 530 in the morning so that it makes me feel at least, a little bit better and a bit more awake.
When I’m washing the dishes without caring to put soap on the sponge, when I need to put headphones in to really concentrate on what I’m doing.
These are things that are happening. They are things that let me know something isn’t right. That I have to get back on top.
Right now I’m sinking a bit under the focus and attention I have poured into my child.
I question so many things about what I’m doing. I have noone to tell me how to do it.
I’ve always had my parents guidance and now I’m doing this myself. With my husband, yes. But. I’m making the decisions. And I feel that I don’t want to leave baby with anyone because they may influence him. Even my own husband. So it makes time for myself alone, very limited.
Because of me.
When these things happen.
I know it’s me but I’m with me. For Always.
So many things in the mind!
This won’t be a pretty post I say.
Just a vent experience. Rolling down hills and splashing around in muddy puddles.
In days where I just feel quite a bit alone and not really connected to much. Eating snacks and not quite so much meals and doing plenty of laundry and realizing I’m not even thinking about anything at all.
I try to email people without the expectation that they’ll write back. But it’s pretty darn difficult. Specially when it’s my own family.
And I don’t know how single moms do it without cracking like a giant earthquake.
Tough stuff inevitably happens. I guess it’s how we deal with it that really makes a difference.
And I know there are days where I feel better about being down. They aren’t often. I allow myself them because I think it’s a healthy thing. I just make sure I get out of it. Each and every time.
Maybe I’ll let myself eat a whole bag of Jelly Bellies and feel GOOD about it. Maybe i’ll clean every inch of the floor and then climb a tree and sit on the funniest looking limb. Maybe I’ll look at the clouds and imagine myself riding one.
And I’ll get there. I always do. Because I know I am apart of what makes my life good. What makes me happy is me and my strength and my ability to get over the hurdles that come my way. Hurdles I let in. Hurdles that come unexpectedly.
No matter how they come, I’m wearing my shoes of confidence and my brave face and I’ll do what it takes to get over them!
Some will be higher than others but I accept that and there will be more than one hurdle sometimes and I accept that too.
I must be strong for myself and for the others around me.
People around me, no matter if I know them or not, are affected by what I bring to the table.
And if I bring my soaked shoes and dirty face, if I bring my ripped shirt and scraped knees but am wearing a smile and smelling of happiness, I will be able to with pride say, that I have jumped over the hurdles I faced. Even if it meant falling two or three times, I picked myself up and I kept trying.