Everything that we’re doing.Except living.
And use that to figure out how we’re living our life.
Sometimes it takes an arguement, an eye opener.. sometimes it takes death..
for us to really see the things we’re doing wrong in life.
Maybe if we made the conscious decision to check in every once in awhile with self, we wouldn’t need those occurances.
We all lose sight every once and awhile. We all get so hooked up on our routines that we become blinded and unaware of our reactions. We make the same ones even though they are negative and dreary.
I think that living a happy and good life is a choice. And after years of doing the same thing and being around the same stuff, it is difficult to break free of the mold we’ve created for self. So deciding to live a better life is a conscious choice that needs nurturing.
I hope that we can be more aware of our actions and what we say.
I hope that we can become better and nicer people by being positive and being less negative towards people and self.
After awhile, the conscious effort we put into making ourselves better people, will become somebody we are.And that is truly someone we should consider being.
I think about how living here affects my marriage.
We don’t ever go out on double dates or go out just us two. We have only met and bonded with one couple over coffee when Zeek was first born. And that was because she was pregnant and wanted some info regarding our labour and delivery.
When we get into arguments, I don’t phone up a friend. I don’t go walking down the streets. Because I can’t. I have no friends and it’s a bigger deal then just to get up and go with a 6 month old.
So our arguments rarely happen. When they do, we may be quiet for a little while but we are forced to revert back to one another. We live under the same roof and he doesn’t have friends either. We just haven’t bothered to make any.
I’m a pretty social person so you wonder how I can do it.
I guess this country does a lot for me in the way that I reflect and do personal things that I otherwise wouldn’t be finding the time for.
I’ve made scrapbooks and albums and videos over the past few years.
I think a lot on when we move to Canada. Because within two years, we will.
I think about how I will change. How certain aspects of me will be highlighted. Stuff that maybe he hasn’t seen before. Like, ordering my own food. And being talkative and interacting and being dependent.
I wonder what it will do to our marriage.
I wonder about good things and bad things.
I think when we argue there, we will be able to put more space between us and that may resort to the issue taking longer to resolve. It will be a challenge.
It will be like a new relationship all over again. I am excited for it.
So I live it up here. I focus on the good this place does for us and how close we are because of it. I think we have been here for a reason and I think we have been building on that without realizing it.
I can stand tall and be proud of us because we are doing well for being so far away from all that we know…from any help I would be getting, from time away from Baby, from time with friends..
The last two weeks have been a continuous range of frustration and disappointment. My brain I feel, has been melting. Into liquid puddles that drip out of my ears.
I don’t know why it is all of a sudden. But I know it has been a long time coming.
The main line is. I feel dumb.
I don’t know if any of you have felt this way after living abroad for so long. I don’t know if it will go away or if the thought and the feeling will continue to pop up until I am back in my home country .
I actually get confused as to whether it is more of a thought or a feeling.
Sometimes I wonder where my brain really is.
I don’t wonder if it would be happening in Canada because I know that it wouldn’t. My mind isn’t to turned on here. And so I guess I should be taking steps to prevent the puddles I’ve got left, from dripping out entirely. Maybe I can splash around and build stuff and make this liquid productive. Things that my husband point out in which I feel like an idiot for not seeing or noticing. No one ever tells me I’m dumb so this is all in a home in my head.
It’s got small windows so no sun stains or dust are around. It is clean because Dumb is tidy and wants to stay long. I had no qualms with him until he began pounding on the walls of the hallways. He thinks this is okay because this is what he thinks he’s supposed to do.
I will start renting out to Smart and I will let Smart be right next door to Dumb and I will see how Smart stops the dripping.
Dumb will not conquer me!
Having a baby away from all your friends and family, in a different country where the culture is not at all simliar than your own, is bad.
It is bad for the obvious reasons that Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents do not get to create a bond and watch him grow. It is bad that my friends don’t get to be a part of this wonderful light in my life and it is bad because I get less breaks and time for myself.
Good becomes of this because there has be to good in everything. Even if we don’t see it.
I read online about other Mothers feeling judged and getting advice flung at them in all directions in the Western countries.
Here, I get none of that stuff. I live my own life, raising my child the way I want to and I don’t feel judged even though we get stared at everytime we go out. Some are bold enough to come up and touch his hands and his feet and sometimes they even touch his face. Which is always the time I bat their hands away. In Canada, maybe there would be more personal space awareness and maybe there would be less people that actually stare.
But my realisation and joy of raising Zeek here has flourished into this field of prosperous blooms! I am understanding that even though it sucks being away from my homeland, there are so many benefits to being here.
We’ve all got our rules and our own ideas about how to raise our children. Since Thailand is a slow-paced life and people are patient and wouldn’t give dirty looks if child screams in restuarant, I feel that having my first child here, really is a positive thing.
I choose to look at it this way not just because I have to be in this situation, but because the field I’m in smells wonderful and I want to be able to plant whatever seeds are growing here, further on, in and around my life.
My parents anniversary is next month.
Something like 35 years.
Over the holidays of 2012, my father opened the mailbox and found divorce papers.
I was at my Aunts when my sister called.
She told me to call Mom.
So I called Mom.
Mom was 2 hours away.In a hotel.
Mom said maybe I shouldn’t go home.
and spoke nothing of divorce to my Father.
He was quiet. And paced the floors like a natural professional.
And we didn’t go any nearer the topic.
He left the next morning. For Brazil.
My mom wanted him to get the papers before he left.
She did it without even telling him.
He came back earlier than planned. Before I left for Thailand.
And Mom and I sat in the basement as he entered the house and I went up to meet him and then he came down and I sat again and he stood and he began to cry.
He looked us in the eyes and said, ‘ I don’t want to leave ‘.
Our hearts crumbled together and we didn’t say much and I felt compassion and love and I wanted my parents to talk it through. .
So they did.
And that is why they will be able to celebrate there 35th anniversary next month.
Sometimes I find I’m going through life in montone.
It’s not like I’m unhappy. I am just so involved in this routine type of thing. This sameness. I’ve hopped into its’ lap and feel content enough with the huddle.
Until a friend walks in. Not even a close friend. We went to the same public school 13 years ago and said a few words to one another every other month.
She came to Thailand to do her life thing and we decided to meet up, thanks to Facebook and it’s informative nature.
And that’s how I see sparks of this flame that I am. People reveal you. The way they respond to you and interact. They teach you about who you are without realizing it.
‘ Oh! I’m like that, I’m funny when I’m like this!’, says me.
It may only be funny to that person, but it’s a piece of you.
Even if people have the same frames and same perscription in their glasses, their eyes are a different colour. Their eyes are a different shape. And there past is entirely different then the one you have.
They will see things from their view.
I learn about myself through other people. And I realize how lost I can begin to feel when that feedback has been so minimal.
People help you sort yourself out. People keep you grounded and closer to your own heart. People tell you about you and you can do whatever it is that you want, with that information.
Thats how you can change. Bend what you’ve gathered based on what people give you.
If you want to change, you have the means.