I dont think its weird that people are changed or gone, but I am pulled between being happy and sad. I cannot imagine being 30, even 25 and not ever having left Sarnia, Ontario, even Canada. That is me personally but either way thats the part that makes me happy for those leaving. The other side has me sad and feeling bad for being away the remaining years that the person/people have been here. I understand that lifes paths’ are all different and inevitably people do go down ones’ different from there friends. It is a transition I feel I wanted to be here for and during so that I could take the shift of change with everyone else. Living abroad starting years back pulled me away from that gradual shift and upon reentry I find myself unable to help the desire I have for reuniting and for old good friends to be around.Reguardless of where they are at in life. It is why it is easy to go to a party of friends I haven’t seen for years and be chummy with them as if I had never left. It is why it is easy to contact people that made impact on my life and request to get together. For the friends next to me that have been in the area since the beginning… they find it harder to do that because there has been space all along for them to make the effort. And they just haven’t. It surprised me. But this is how it is. If I had lived here all my life, we all know life would be dramatically different. Who knows, I may even have met you.
The last three visits I have made to Canada, have been for two months at a time.
Going into it my brain and heart know this. Going through it, my brain and heart know this.
Even though I absorb and seem to mesh into Ontario life quite easily, it is more what it appears like and not what it is.
Since I already know this is temporary, the impact is greater and longer lasting. Conversations are always so much better after I’ve been away. Clicks in my head happen at the slightest things. At things like understanding my rapid mumbles. I am impressed with people and their ability to pick up on feelings and senses. I am humbled by human nature and somedays, it even brings me to tears.
I won’t even have grasped the entirity of my stay- my confrontations and conversations- before I go back.. and knowing this, is just another of those alterations.
I always was a bit shy with my eyes but.. I was better at speaking. I knew where I was going with my sentences and I didn’t feel like the world was spinning backwards and I had to run to keep on top.
And now, when it comes to interaction, there is more that I feel.
And that always makes me feel connected…
So when I’m at an event full of people I haven’t seen in years, there are obligations and conversations that act as magnets and some that lack concentration. I am all over the map as I tighten up my hair elastics and hop right into their train of thought and go. Two miles later while it is still moving, I am getting out. And in that three minute train ride I’ve calculated my insecurities and outwitted my doubts, I’ve surprised myself with my bold and confident form, and I’ve seen someone else that I need to talk to.
So I hop on the next train.
I wasn’t kidding when I said I was all over the map.
When it is all said and done, whether it be weddings, a pub or a funeral party, a downtown group I know well.. I end up reeling in goodness. And also in bad.
It matters that people make effort. It matters that they drive 20 minutes to see me. It matters that they pick me up on ten minute notice and drive me to get a Greek salad without olives.
Being outside of this country has given me new appreciation for friendships and has helped me self reflect in a lot of ways.
Even though I value effort, I know I love certain people by the way that I will go to them.
Every single time.
And it circles back to the fact that I know I am only here visiting. I can do this much now, because in two months time I will be away from the opportunity.
I will not have unloyal or disrespecting friends. I will not have friends that ignore me.
Each new time these two month visits are over, a slew of Facebook friends are deleted.
It doesn’t take a life in another country and then the reentry, to figure out that some people just aren’t wanted in my life anymore..
but that’s the way it happens for me.
And that is where the bad comes in.
It is likely considered dissapointment.
In which; I feel sad when someone I thought would, doesn’t.
I get cocooned and it becomes interesting when I turn it inside out and have the fuzzy touching me.
Because I too, am capable of effort.
I too, can make the approach and dismiss the current car I am in.
If I value that person enough, why shouldn’t I.
I take this fuzzyness and accept how I don’t care to wrap it around people that I used to.
When it comes to people in my life, the selection becomes something I am more selective about. Life is busier and time is more valuable so the people I want to be with, had darn well better be special.
I sat there for an hour and one half and I just watched people drive by and some dogs go by and people running and people going thru drive thru and the average was about five minutes through and I was always usually pretty shy of adults and now even though they are still adult to me, they are less old. I am closer to there age and they are closer to mine and men that have white hair are actually people that like young and funny and are okay with being with someone that is half their age because of it.
Thailand told me this.
Thailand told me that 65 year old big gutted men still want sex. It told me that 80 year olds will pay to have 20 year olds escort them around and it told me that even those men can fall in love and believe in every good darn minute of it.
Call me naive or sheltered or what you will, but I didn’t know any of that existed. Men are still attracted to woman at an age I thought was only meant for sitting on benches sipping newspapers and reading coffee.
And so as I sat there I thought about their lives outside of Tim Hortons’ parking lot. What they would be going home to and whether or not they were happy. I thought about being in their life and how I would change to have them like me and how I would find that easy to do. I thought about how I could be paid well in Thailand, to be that girl that is with the older men and how eventually I won’t have the looks or the body to be desired and how eventually this time in my life will be something I long for. Rather than scare me, it made me more determined not to eat another cookie, to keep my hair long before it becomes a pain and to keep my alertness in life on top of all things.
My conversation and cues and what others say or do are all things I am aware of and I often wonder where it comes from. The things which impact me and things I notice, are things that the next person does not. And the things I am slow at deciding or quick at forgetting, are things that the next person does the opposite of.It all comes from somewhere and I often wonder where and sitting on the lawn yesterday while the sun shined its way into all the living things, I figured out where.
It is not a very surprising place. It is not unusual or hard to understand.
It is simple because that is the way we are capable of making anything.
And if we are capable of making things simple, we are also capable of complicating them. Which is why it has taken so long for me to conclude that living is where it comes from.
Living is Time and Time has the ability to fill up with anything. It fills up with presents that eventually turn into pasts’ and pasts’ are memories that make up people whether they are remembered or not. That is where the things that impact me the way they do, come from. That is where the things that make you laugh or make you cry come from. And they won’t all be different from mine or the same and you can bet that living isn’t all where it comes from.
Parents of you and I have genetics and we are given them too and they are really the root of it and we are just the branches, swaying or not swaying, being leafy or unleafy.
I don’t see everything but yesterday for a few hours, that is how I saw the world.
I melted this morning. Down. Right onto the carpet of the room my sister used to sleep in.
My 10 month old son stared at me, as snot came out of my eyes and dripped down my face and I just let it out and out and out and I don’t even know where it all came from. But I broke. Down. In the room my brothers and I made blanket swings in when we were children.
I am sitting on the front lawn on top of the hill in the chair my mother sat in only two days ago, beside my sucidal younger brother. She sat.
It’s where I sit, alone. And my heart still beats fast and it is 1130 in the morning and I have had 4 cups already and eaten nothing. I handed son to mom and said I need you to take him. And in these minutes out here I’ve somehow mashed something altogether so that it resembes something of a reason. As to my down.
My father left yesterday and I don’t know when I will see him next. We cried as we hugged and I said I loved him more than I ever did before.
My younger brother has left too. Back to university. Now that he has gone my mother tells me he had told her ‘ you’re gonna lose me, you’re all gonna lose me if you aren’t there,aren’t around’. And I don’t believe him at first. I scoff at the idea. And then it sinks in deeper because it actually has weight.
I have been going and going with son and me and I have been preparing bottles and feeding and conversing and carseat switching and walking with father and swinging baby and having food outside at sisters, at fast food at restaurants and it is all me. Because I know baby best and I’m supposed to and rest of family stands back and watches while I try my best to settle and comfort and make good. I am not used to this and I miss my husband.
It bothers me that my mom talks to me about the rest of the kids. It bothers me that we are not an open family and that my younger brother will not say the same things he does to mom, to dad. It bothers me that I feel heavy and bloated and that all my mom can talk about is the wedding of my cousin this upcoming saturday. I am shaking and determined not to eat much of anything the next few days.
It bothers me that best guy friend isn’t around as much because of new girl. New girl I like and have known since grade 10. But I feel alone. I am so sensitive right now and I don’t like it. I don’t want to care that noone is texting me back and I don’t want to feel that I should have plans chalked up for the whole week. I don’t want to care what others think about my care for baby. My mother will say everything about it to my sister. And I hate that I know it will happen and that I will hardly hear much of it. I don’t like caring about so much. So I will try not too. Once my hands have stopped shaking and once I’ve downed another coffee. Because I can’t stop right now. I know I should, but I’m not going to. I will absorb this negative space I am in and I will take a break from baby today, because I am fortunate to be able to, and then I will move on. Rubbing positive lotion between my hands, putting make-up on, wearing nice clothes,doing my hair. I will step out and up. With good energy because I do have control over it. I will step up.
If you’re in a good mood there is a better chance you will do things for other people.
When people hold the doors open for me or help me pick up baby toys that have fallen, it makes me feel happy. The more that this happens, the happier I get. Which in turn increases your chances of being helped or smiled at. If I’m in a good mood, there’s a better chance I will do things for other people.
We all get into grumpy spots and letting someone slip into the traffic line ahead of you can become the last thing you want to do. My very basic point is that if we do things for other people, there happiness inevitably goes up. Maybe not by much, maybe they’re so low they don’t actually get out of there crankiness,but either way they recognize that something good just happened.
It is a cycle. We become lifted by others’ laughter. By people helping us.
Let’s do it more often and we will most certainly see the difference come back around to us.
I just need to write this morning.
My time is speeding a long here in Ontario, even though I know I have quite a lot more left before we go back.
When I am here I can feel the part about living my own life, quite easily.
I do have the support but it actually widens the distance.
Because I know my baby like they never will and I know my life in Thailand like they don’t and they continue with their life here because that’s what they’re supposed to do and we are just the visitors, stepping in for a moment and taking a look around.
And I am slowly seeing that if we were to live here it might not necessairly make it easier for me. It’s making me aware of how much time I actually do spend with my son.
When they only take him for a few hours at a time, when they only spend a few minutes on the floor with him.. that is when I understand they only deal with snipits.
And it is what being a mother is. Your life gets transferred to another one.
I guess I am a bit dissapointed that my Mom isn’t pulling as much as I thought she would. That my brother isn’t interacting with Zeek as much as I envisioned.
It helps me to realize that living away from them all in Thailand, is an okay thing.
It helps me to see that my life really is over there and that being away from everyone, isn’t entirely a bad thing.
My love that is over there, is sturdy and unwavering. And each time I am without him, I get pulled back into the smart shoes, recognizing that what I have for him, is more than what I can express.
‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder.’