Down

I melted this morning. Down. Right onto the carpet of the room my sister used to sleep in.
My 10 month old son stared at me, as snot came out of my eyes and dripped down my face and I just let it out and out and out and I don’t even know where it all came from. But I broke. Down. In the room my brothers and I made blanket swings in when we were children.
I am sitting on the front lawn on top of the hill in the chair my mother sat in only two days ago, beside my sucidal younger brother. She sat.
It’s where I sit, alone. And my heart still beats fast and it is 1130 in the morning and I have had 4 cups already and eaten nothing. I handed son to mom and said I need you to take him. And in these minutes out here I’ve somehow mashed something altogether so that it resembes something of a reason. As to my down.
My father left yesterday and I don’t know when I will see him next. We cried as we hugged and I said I loved him more than I ever did before.
My younger brother has left too. Back to university. Now that he has gone my mother tells me he had told her ‘ you’re gonna lose me, you’re all gonna lose me if you aren’t there,aren’t around’. And I don’t believe him at first. I scoff at the idea. And then it sinks in deeper because it actually has weight.
I have been going and going with son and me and I have been preparing bottles and feeding and conversing and carseat switching and walking with father and swinging baby and having food outside at sisters, at fast food at restaurants and it is all me. Because I know baby best and I’m supposed to and rest of family stands back and watches while I try my best to settle and comfort and make good. I am not used to this and I miss my husband.
It bothers me that my mom talks to me about the rest of the kids. It bothers me that we are not an open family and that my younger brother will not say the same things he does to mom, to dad. It bothers me that I feel heavy and bloated and that all my mom can talk about is the wedding of my cousin this upcoming saturday. I am shaking and determined not to eat much of anything the next few days.
It bothers me that best guy friend isn’t around as much because of new girl. New girl I like and have known since grade 10. But I feel alone. I am so sensitive right now and I don’t like it. I don’t want to care that noone is texting me back and I don’t want to feel that I should have plans chalked up for the whole week. I don’t want to care what others think about my care for baby. My mother will say everything about it to my sister. And I hate that I know it will happen and that I will hardly hear much of it. I don’t like caring about so much. So I will try not too. Once my hands have stopped shaking and once I’ve downed another coffee. Because I can’t stop right now. I know I should, but I’m not going to. I will absorb this negative space I am in and I will take a break from baby today, because I am fortunate to be able to, and then I will move on. Rubbing positive lotion between my hands, putting make-up on, wearing nice clothes,doing my hair. I will step out and up. With good energy because I do have control over it. I will step up.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s