Maybe my trip to Canada was the best and worst thing.
I came back and I am no longer content. I experienced life the way that I prefer, the way that I realized I had forgotton existed. I lived with people I swung on swings with, I ate timbits and walked by the bay and then I came back and figured out not that I had none of that here, but that I needed it. So now I am unhappy and trying to build and create and make it what I can because I am capable. But it is so very difficult when you are working with darkness inside your head and a numbness in your heart. When the tools you have aren’t equipped for this understanding.
That maybe somewhere along the way, I jumped in too fast.
I am usually wonderful at convincing myself that I am where I want to be but suddenly that has become very difficult to do.
Canada has made me not as comfortable here and if I didn’t know the other side,couldn’t I just continue living without knowing?
And then I’d be missing out on a fun. So am I glad for this hit on the chin? Am I glad for the trip that turned my life in a direction I haven’t discovered yet?
I have yet to figure it out and when I do, I’ll let you know.
It is today and because I wrote down everything that went on at what time a year ago, I have been going hour by hour on what has happened so far.
In 12 minutes a year ago, I will see my doctor for the first time that day. And she will check and say ‘ yeah, you could have the baby today, we can do it today’.
And all these things make my eyes go glossy because as hard as I try and believe it has been a whole 12 months, it does not run to completion in my head.
I sit here with a party hat on and the pretty pink gown I wore when I gave birth. I made the decision today that I will always wear this gown on this day.
Many mixed feelings as I watch my son roam. I am still getting over the fact we were across the world a few days ago and so I am numb and emotional all at the same time.
Many firsts in life, but there is never more than one first of anything.
And that is what makes it so gosh darn special.
I have made the journey back to Thailand and I fully realized as I was walking through the airport in Bangkok that I really wasn’t even excited to be there. That had never happened to me before-usually there would be some level of excitement reguardless of who was picking me up. But there I was, not paying attention to the people and setting my shoulders to the understanding that I am now the minority.
I didn’t look outside much on the way home and all today I have kept the blinds closed. I have eaten my Canadian candy and played Canadian playlists and I have thought that maybe, just maybe I could pretend that I’m still in Canada. It is that bad. It is that bad because my husband isn’t around right now. My reason for living in Thailand is absent and it is clear to me that I would not be here without him.
I have been in Canada the past two months. The country I grew up in . The people and culture that is now engrained in me. Within 24 hours, I will be at an airport with my son and Mother and I will be flying 18 flight hours back to Thailand where house is and husband will be and I will pick up on my life there, where I left off. For the past four years I have been living on both sides of the world and I don’t know how to do it any other way. I am scared for the future. I am excited. I am aching with the goodbyes and my stomach is sick with dread. With what I know is to come. My eyes are bloodshot and dry, tired and drained. I don’t know how to do it any other way because this is what I have known. This is the heart ache I go through every single time I come for a visit. This is the pull and the push that happens. That leaves me weak in the knees. I am exhausted and feel numb and empty and full of every emotion all at once. I am in shock. In unbelievability. Because it doesn’t make sense in my head how the time happened. How in two days I will be back to an entirely different lifestyle. I am freaked out because I don’t know how I will be. I shake and spin and hope that I can do this. That I can get through one of the hardest times leaving. I do it this way, involve and invest, attatch and connect to people here because if i don’t have this, then I don’t have much.I need this closness in order to feel valuable in this world. I need to feel loved by more than just one person. Leaving loved ones is one of the worst feelings. But because I can feel that way about them, it is also one of the best.
The goodbyes begin.
My heart got heavier the closer I got to home and we pulled over twice on the way, to hold one another. The sun was rising and there was a big puddle of cloud that was being painted pink.
I am so tired and I am so drained and today I must do my sons first birthday party.
I am hiding in the living room while showers go on and footsteps happen and I don’t feel like talking to anyone today. My eyes sting and my hair is ugly and I don’t want to see anyone today.
He’s been my best friend for four years and we’ve hung out everyday for the past week. We do it to ourselves. Setting up attatchment camps and roasting care like we don’t want to think about what it will be like when we’re apart.
We created memories that I will always have rathered to do then not and when he pulled out of the driveway my heart sunk a hundred notches and I could barely make it up the porch steps.
This is what love does sometimes and it is good to think of it as a good thing. It is worthy of all my tears and heartache, my snotty nose and red eyes.. whatever it is, it can produce these feelings and that is a powerful thing.
My head is spinning and I’m whirling myself into people’s arms hoping to make some impact.Hoping they won’t be able to forget me and I am neglecting my child and own sister and mother and it hits me today that going back is going to be harder than ever before. Not exactly the leaving part. But the living there part. I have now experienced this life with friends and child.I have finally combined them too in a rapid pace and I am clinging to it.
I have no energy for my child. I am pushing him away as I step outdoors and gulp the last of this air. The people glow. I am feeling guilty and worn and my voice is half gone. I am pushing myself on 5 hours of sleep at night. I am doing as much as I can in the time I have. I am getting frantic and simple things are now making me whimper. Planning to meet people is becoming difficult and I am snapping at my mother.
My ends are unravelling and I feel at this point I have no control. Nor do I want to. My eyes are set on here and now. On the stuff that I won’t have for much longer. I tell myself I’ll be better in Thailand. That I’ll fix this madness. That there won’t even be anything to fix. But deep down I know, something is up. I’m not a good mother here and I don’t know if I will be as good of one over there as I was before I left to visit Canada.
I am scared.
I am emotional.
I am breaking down.
I guess people will always surprise me. I left four years ago ending something and it was horrific. Like the largest train crash pile up and it didn’t make the news. Except it was in my brain headlines for months. Trailing to a write up over the years and I have travelled with it,lived with it and so when I’ve entered the scene and the places where it all took place with the person it did and realize that they left the mental state and are okay and not really where I thought they would be or where we were, it is baffling. I was expecting them to have anger in a bottle ready to shake and spray at me. So when I sat above the city on the edge of a hundred year old buildling and the person didn’t push me off-it was kinda a nice feeling.
I have become wrapped up so easily in the kindness and beauty and overal aura of this relationship I have with this person. The reasons flood in and the desire to spend a lot of hours together click into my heart zone. I haven’t laughed like that for months and months. I haven’t felt so on top of the trees in a long while.
The way that people make you feel when you know they like you. When you know they want to be with you. Is dangerous. It is one of my biggest intensities. My bigget fault. I put myself into these positions a lot of the time and still continue to even when I am taken. Even when they know it.
And I will never drop what I have. Because it is too precious. But I hold onto happy in other ways. Someone who intrigues me and is one of the most interesting people that I have met. The mind of theirs is like a jungle that never ends. And it changes colour. And I will always care for this person in this way because they are like a super hero that is tangible, and that understands me and is in love with my goofiness and brings it out of me. It is something I hate to let go because of how great it makes me feel. Lines are drawn and set and that’s what makes this all okay .
Two weeks before I go.
Once Thailand hits my feet, there will be plenty of change.
Putting house on market. Possibly getting rerouted to work out of Nakon. A town in the middle of no where-which is where we started out before pregnancy entered our lives.
It is emotional these days as I feel the weight of the clock hand ticking. People I see now-it may be the last time I do.
Because it has happened before.
Our plan to move back to Canada is happening faster than we thought. And as I sit at the counter in the house I grew up in, it seems difficult for me to grasp it. Like I’m not ready to handle the move. To start the process.
But it is because I am here. In the country I am in. Two weeks left.
When I think of what living in Canada will do to us, how it will change our relationship dynamic completely… I hesitate.
Let me get through this big change first. Of leaving the ones I love behind. Of leaving the places and smells and food I love. Of leaving my attatchments and ability to speak properly. Conversations and pictures I gleam for.
Let me get through the airports and tears and weakness. Through the 18 hour hour flights and the sleepless 24.
I must build for that now. To mentally prepare so that I can do it without falling apart in the isle on the Boeing 777.
I am strong and my focus must be slowly directed there. For that is how I can do it, each and every time that I have.
When you live away long enough from what you grew up around, you start to lose pieces of you.
You don’t have the same interactions that you’ve known all your life and the friends that helped you to figure yourself out, aren’t there.
Sometimes you lose sight of this altogether and it really only hits you once you’re back in your own country for a few weeks.
Some parts of me I actually forgot were there. Until I used them.
And we all know that the ‘use it or lose it’ line is a real thing and that if I don’t use these fun, happy parts of me, I will forget they existed.
But I will feel a void. And as the years go on I will not know what it is that is supposed to be there.
And that has scared me to glossy eyes.
That has made me want to hold on dearer than ever, to the culture I am most comfortable with. The culture I will always prefer over the others.
Because it is the one I know myself best in.
The one I am most happiest in.
I am now 25.
25 is one of those numbers that feel.. like it’s a lot more than the previous one.
22 and 23 doesn’t seem like much of a stretch.. But with 25, I am no longer in my early twenties.
This is me and my brothers.
And me with my son,sister and Mom.
Dad is working in Brazil or else he would be present.