I have been in Canada the past two months. The country I grew up in . The people and culture that is now engrained in me. Within 24 hours, I will be at an airport with my son and Mother and I will be flying 18 flight hours back to Thailand where house is and husband will be and I will pick up on my life there, where I left off.
For the past four years I have been living on both sides of the world and I don’t know how to do it any other way. I am scared for the future. I am excited. I am aching with the goodbyes and my stomach is sick with dread. With what I know is to come.
My eyes are bloodshot and dry, tired and drained.
I don’t know how to do it any other way because this is what I have known. This is the heart ache I go through every single time I come for a visit. This is the pull and the push that happens. That leaves me weak in the knees. I am exhausted and feel numb and empty and full of every emotion all at once.
I am in shock.
Because it doesn’t make sense in my head how the time happened. How in two days I will be back to an entirely different lifestyle.
I am freaked out because I don’t know how I will be. I shake and spin and hope that I can do this. That I can get through one of the hardest times leaving.
I do it this way, involve and invest, attatch and connect to people here because if i don’t have this, then I don’t have much.I need this closness in order to feel valuable in this world.
I need to feel loved by more than just one person.
Leaving loved ones is one of the worst feelings.
But because I can feel that way about them, it is also one of the best.
It is better to feel,
then not to at all.