Flickering Days

I’ve been back here for three weeks.
Feels like both. Feels long and short.
Feels like I was just feeling all those emotions and hating leaving and wanting to stay forever there and at the same time it feels like I haven’t seen some people in months.
I’ve been in a funk since I’ve got back, haven’t been able to wrap my head around what’s happened. I know what I need to do but the hardest part is doing it. I’ve been pushing my head into letters and life back in Canada, in emails and texts and not really looking up to focus on my child and my present days here. I’m doing just enough to slide by.
I know this will end eventually. This time of me digging into my life back there. It’s not healthy and I know it.
But it is that addicting and that controlling.
It is incredibly scary to make a move of change. A lot has to change, and the road will be long and windy, and will carry more pot holes than I’ve ever rode over in all my life.
I must start it. I must.
Before my lamp goes out,
I must.

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