Some Serious Spice

I would say I’m pretty able when it comes to spices.
Over the years my tolerance has built a fortress-out of chilis as it were, and it has withstood many heatwaves.

Until today.

When my face went numb.

And my eyes gave way to streams of salt.

From previous accounts of my own and through others’ tales I have heard that gulping down water during Chili Fortress burning and crashing, is a top notch level of NO.

But it is my immediate reaction to the flames on my tongue, as it would be to flames anywhere in life.

It is like pouring gasoline into a firepit.

Now,not only is my face melting, but my stomach too.

It lurches a dozen ways in a three second span, making me feel disconnected from every limb I own.

My stomach doesnt decide to follow a lurch until I am across the room drilling into the top shelf of the fridge where I keep a supply of (don’t say yuck) dark chocolate.

If I ever needed a sweet tooth fix, now wasn’t just the only time, fixing now was all I cared about.

The smoke billows up from my gut and makes my head feel light and faintable.

This is the lurch that gets my head inside the freezer door with a brick of chocolate between my teeth and half a gallon of it down my throat.

It surprisenly works well.

Until I, without much thought other than the desperation and sheer fear I felt at the consideration of any smouldering ashes, decided to gulp down some more water.

It didn’t come back full force, but it flared the flames enough for me to want only to lay face down on the couch,
feed chocolate to my oxygen,
and think of how I was going to write this post.

A Powerful Hospital Visit in Thailand

It’s odd seeing people dressed in bar clothes in a hospital.
At least not in the asthma and allergy center.
As I’m writing this I realise I really could make a valid stand on why bar girls may be in this part of the hospital. Even more of a valid point if they’re with their 75 year old partner.
The real reason I write this post is because of what you’re about to read.

I hated every nurse in the room for the minute ( which seemed like 9 ) that they held Zeek down and took his blood. They wrapped him tight in a blanket and there were three of them standing over and while he began to wail, before I even felt anything,tears formed in my eyes.
I wasn’t expecting to feel what I did. This helplessness. This anger. I just wanted to rip him away from them and hold him. I looked around at everything and I felt hate for Lilo and Stitch. They were on the wall dancing away and they were far too happy.
My stomach turned and I felt thin and almost that I could faint.

And then he was handed into my arms and he stopped crying and put his head down on my shoulder while I wiped away the last of my own tears.
He was sleeping 3 minutes later. In my arms.
And I looked at his face,all blotchy and red and I said, ” I love you beyond what I can tell you, and that will never change.”

It’s Been Two Years!

I didn’t think much about it. It’s just something that locates itself in the back of the mind and stays, sitting on a chair of confidence about it’s own knowledge.
Indeed it is a fact that I have been with WordPress for two years.
I created a blog before I even found out I was pregnant. I didn’t even want to incorporate a lot of baby and mommy stuff into it.
When I think back now to my real reason in signing up for this and whether or not I’ve achieved what I’ve wanted to, I can’t say I have. It’s because I didn’t set a goal nor a level of accomplishment I wanted to reach.
I am happy with that.
I know mainly, that when I look back on these posts years from now, I will be able to collect a lot of these feelings I have had. I will be opening a chest of the forgotton treasures of my past and it will instill a sense of youth inside of me.

I don’t write just for that.

I write because it makes me feel a different type of worth.
Because I like how I write and what I write. I think if any of us bloggers wrote posts we hated or didn’t like how we constructed sentences or ideas, we wouldn’t have a blog. We all feel a sense of worth when it comes to our blog domain.

Happy Two Years to myself and the ones that have followed me from the beginning. Happy all around to the recent ones that have clicked follow and to those that clicked months ago.
It is all so appreciated.



Thoughts on Leaving

I probably have at least another year in this country. So I’m attempting to get all the Thai food in that I can. I have already half stepped out and am focusing on life things in my home here,but the food aspect is something I care to indulge in.

I think of the changes I will undergo and I know I can not prepare for it all.

There are things I recognise. Like the buildings plastered with the advertising signs, how relaxed my eyes will be once on Canadian soil. I feel that difference every visit I take back.

I don’t think I will do another visit. It took too much out of me the last time. And since moving back is close and extra money will be good to have, I think the idea isn’t such a bad one to stay.

I am only keeping in contact with one person on a regular basis. And it is someone I have never met in person. I guess it makes more sense to me now why I am not putting my time towards friends that wait for me to email them and question why they haven’t heard from me. I tell them that they to,have fingers and brain and computer, to type to me. I have lost the desire to keep in touch with many because of this.

My focus should be more here and my involvement should grow here too.

When I think of leaving within twelve months, it doesn’t scare me or make me refrain from attaching myself to a club or people I meet at a play place. I have so much to look forward too. My own country is enough to satisfy and cover over every person I will meet and never see again here.

I am okay with it.

Will Be.

it is amazing
to think that
the rest of my life,
i will not ever forget these months
you and i 
spoke and wrote and typed and
inside of 
  like a sun and a flower
this bright.

  i could smother you
with affection.
oh i know i could
  i am able. 
when i listen to that song and those songs and these,
i know
  i could.
and when i feel, i felt and will feel,
oh i know i could.   

and time moves
  slower than we want it to
it’s us.
and embrace

how we are
how we will be.

we could do
would do
and what we

 will be. 

we could do
  would do

and what we
will be.