I’ve been listening to slow jazz the past few days and I really like where it takes me .
It’s in elevators,airport lounges, in the background when you are sitting in a plane with 300 others, it’s under the tables of fancy restaurants, on a tv channel with the monthly events in the area scrolling down,
It has a way of making life feel important.
An unrust-like quality to it.
It makes the steam from my coffee and the dance in the candle flame,seem even more approriate.
Each time before I go back to Canada, I basically stop eating and dance and do ab work.
It’s not a lifestyle thing I do. Which I know, eating healthy is supposed to be.
Each time I am continually amazed at how small I end up being.
And Canada is my basic motivation.
I know I’ll over indulge in all the eats I didn’t have here.
But this time I had better watch it. I’m not leaving the place after two months.
I will be living there.
And I don’t think I’ll really feel that I am, until two months has passed.
When the novelty of a visit, has worn off.
And what then my dear friends? What then.
I knew the weeks leading up to the move would go fast, but not like last week.
Last week feels like a blink.
And that’s blinkin’ fast.
I’m basically packed.
And these next few days I will be saying goodbye to this country.
I will light candles and close the lights.
I will turn on slow music and let all the memories, all the life I lived here, go. It will still be a part of me, but I will no longer hold them as if I am living in them.
To move on with as little weight as possible. With little baggage.
With only my suitcases of my most valuable possessions and my son.
I will let go,
I will cry
and in every tear, there will be a memory from here
that I will wipe away.
I didn’t picture myself working with a child.
Even before I got into this relationship, I knew I wanted to be a stay at home Mom and I didn’t think once about that being difficult to achieve. I figured whoever I chose to have a child with, would have a good enough job to support a family. That fell easily into my lap. Perhaps becuase it was the outpour in my heart, and that the men I dated, knew it from the start.
” I only date men who I can see myself marrying and I want to be a stay at home Mother,” said me on first dates.
And noone ever walked away from that.
Now, I will have the support from my partner, but I can’t depend on it forever.
I am afterall, trying to find my independence in this world.
But I’m really scared.
This foreign thing to me, working and raising a person.
Oh many have to do it. I get that. And I have been fortunate to not have too.. but it is still a new thing to me.
And new things can be scary.
Do you ever wonder why the people that are in your life, are there?
Sometimes it is just because we see them everyday. We work with them, we go to school with them, we ride the same bus as them.
But why do we make relations with the one that we do?
What at home, drives us to seek and attatch ourselves to those people?
Are we lacking attention from our boyfriend? Are we going through a rough time that makes us vulnerable? Do we just need someone to listen to us for a week?
Are we using them to fill a void of ours?
Why are we in THEIR life?
What do we fufill.
If we didn’t have this issue in our life, would we continue to talk to them?
Are we selfish in our desire to keep them around because they make us feel good?
Are the levels of both sides, being met? Or does someone want more.
Would it really be greater if all this were known?
If we are conscious of feelings, we are better able to accept and deal with them. We must accept that we are going to disappoint ourselves a hundred and six times more, accept the love we feel. All feelings, are teachers that you and I can continually learn from. No matter how many times we feel angry when child draws on the legs of the table or when an appliance breaks for the 4th time. When we feel frustrated or hopeless, we are given an opportunity.
An opportunity to deal better than the last time, to make the outcome more positive.
And how we deal with what we feel, whether it’s after we’ve felt it or as we are,
is how our Life is represented.
The better we get at guiding our dealings into a positive stream, the more happier we are with the Life we are CHOOSING to live.
You’re always going to care when you find out your spouse has cheated on you. Even if you know you are ending. Even if you understand why they did it.
I put an amount of blame on me because I wasn’t there for him.The gap between us widenened as he went out in search of people that complimented him.
Noone likes to stay at home with an unhappy person all the time; they’ll look for happy people elsewhere.
And along the way, chances are you’ll meet someone you’re attracted to. And when the relationship you’re in, isn’t doing so great, you can subconsciously justify the flirts, the attention, the growing attatchment.
Unless you stop contact with that person, it is likely to escalate.
And so it has.
And there must be a reason why I’m okay with it…