Sometimes I wonder what these blogs mean.
I have been keeping journal since 1995. But I’ve looked through them maybe a handful of times.
Does this mean that the therapy lies in the actual fall from brain to fingertips?
Is that the current I ride on?
Sometimes reasons for things don’t really matter. And that fact alone, is helpful. Is wonderful.
We have to get things out if we don’t want to shrivel to crispy bacon.
No matter what happens once it’s out there.
Sometimes just knowing we have the freedom, the ability to speak our mind thoughts, is enough medicine to stop the cough.
Sometimes you can know exactly why you are doing what you are doing. Even if it is bad. Even if it is wrong.
And sometimes, that isn’t enough to stop you.
People are good at justifying things. Events.Choices.
Past plays a big part in all of us. We can point fingers to it, every time we do something that doesn’t add up under the ‘right thing to do’ column.
Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever break loose or free from our mind structure. The bones of our brain.
I wonder if it is better to just accept what we do and in life, find someone that understands and accepts what you are, because they accept what they are too.
Sometimes it’d be nice to just feel like I connected with everybody.
That’s what I think I felt like before my 5 years in Thailand.That I connected with everyone. Even in most of my visits back to Canada during that time.
But not connecting with everyone now, means I value more the ones that I do. The connections I DO have.
Which means I’ll end up having valuable people in my life,
which means I’ll end up having a more valuabe life.
Because having people around that you value,
means you are going to be better,
and love more.
I’m not sure where people fit into my life right now. I need them to prove to myself, to help myself, to shape a better me.
But all I sense that is happening, is me falling back into the way that I was. Crunching under temptations and relying on them to fill my bowl of happiness.
If I am not the one to create the happy myself, then I am lazy and dependent on every single soul out there.
I know that every day I spend motionless,
is just a damn excuse.
And I do not want a life of that,
I want a life of reason.
A month ago yesterday, son and I landed in Toronto.
It feels like a year.
What is busy?
Everyones busy is different. It is a perspective.
I am coming from days that were spent sitting at home editing videos, days where going a 30 second walk to the village playground was the highlight of the day. Every day.
20 minute drives into town to run errands, to shop and to see people. Days where going outside is the least of what we do.
So to me, my busy has elevated quite quickly.
Speaking with people is a part of my busy.
Getting doors held open for me and my stroller, acknowledging and saying ‘thank you’, is a part of my busy.
Eventually, these will become less of busy and more of just how life is.
And it will be my basis, my grounds, for more busy. So maybe by the time my kid goes to school, I’ll be so used to my busy, not having him around daily, will drive me to the Whoa Streets.
Or maybe not.
I’ve done more in one week than I have done in one year.
I have pushed myself to go and do things that I haven’t really wanted to do. And it has felt amazing. I realize that stepping out of comfort zones is a good thing, and that coming back to Canada was majorly me, stepping back into one. But I also know that the basis, the foundation of a comfort zone,the location of a comfort zone, enables confidence one can step further out with.
The conversation and flow is coming to me easier than I thought. It is fresh and new and seems far less distant than in previous visits. This being a permenent move, probably makes the difference.
I’m making the decisions to be analyze less. To shrug off encounters and reaction- refusing to over think. And it is like a weight lifting.
I feel different as a person. I am seeing old glimmers of me everyday, in the people that I talk to, in the thoughts I have.
I think maybe now I understand why having a lot of friends as you get older seems.. less of what happens. For awhile now-at least the last two visits I’ve made back here to Canada, I made conscious decision and effort to get together with the people I felt most connected with and closer to. And the ones that I knew I only knew because of the bars or because it was through other people.. etc,I didn’t focus on.
I see now, that for me anyhow, I have a bettter idea of who I get along with or who I want as friends. I’ve become more selective and less ‘wasteful’ if you will.
Perhaps it is one of the reasons I never really located people in Thailand. Sure, getting out of the house and actually trying might have helped, but I believe I was half convinced there wasn’t much way that I was going to find someone and become close with.
I found Steph on a night out of walking about town. I even remember where I stopped her and her friend Kelly. I asked them something- I forget now what. They were American and I instantly knew we connected.
Just so happens Steph was only around for a few weeks before leaving Thailand. I slept over at her place a week after meeting her and we ate spring rolls on the beach and had a laughing fit on her bed. They are raritys. But I know they exist. It makes getting together with people that don’t really interest me, harder to do. Which is a good thing.The overall quality of life is better becuase of it. Which has many factors, but the people we surround ourself with, are part of that.
Maybe in our youngers years, we navigate through life with the help of people. They are like stepping stones to get to the future. And then once the future hits, we can get scared. Looking back and seeing those as stepping stones, and wondering who the stepping stones are in our life at this point and who are the rocks.
Maybe it is not fear but a recognition that should be addressed if we want a less insecure life, whether we want to or not.
To some degree to everyone, people provide a happiness. It varies but they fill a certain spot in ourselves. If we fill it with people we are just hanging around out of convienence or obligation, out of some other alterior motive, you can be sure your quality of life will be less.
For the most part, you choose who you spend your time with,
make them people you truly care about.
I don’t feel I am a very sympathetic person.
I call it Life.
And the answer…?
To deal accordenly, appropriately.
That is likely thought of differently by different people in the same situation, but it still carries some fundelmentals.
We are going to get stressed and scared. We are going to have ‘noone to talk to’. We are going to feel that we have no space in our brain or our hearts; that we are a flopped mess with no direction. There will be times we will feel so down and upset with ourselves that the only way to walk through the grocery store is zombie style. But how we deal with all of those emotions, how we initially react and our long term feelings on the issues, are choices that we can control. That we can improve.
And when we are better at dealing with life, we are a better person.
And when we are a better person, we have a better life.
There’s been little time for stillity in the brain. I’ve been going and going for days now and I can feel myself trying to climb out, needing the air to breathe sense into my head.
Afterall, three weeks prior to this, I had that stillness every single day.
Somehow, in all of this whirring, I have gathered bits and pieces of moments, of people and most importatly, myself.
One of the things I have learned about myself this past week is how I have put much emphasis on writing since I knew what it felt like to do so.
I know it feels good to get it out this way but I wonder if other outlets have suffered.
It has not affected the ‘how’ I socialize, but the ‘what’. The ‘what’ I have talked about all these years.
It almost feels like an avoidance…that writing out serious matters justifies my lack of serious face to face matters. And in depth conversation makes for deeper relationships.
So have my relationships suffered as well?
Now that I am aware of this, I will attempt to talk about what I have written.
This post included.
Because this too, makes a difference.
I was around a fire with 8 others last night.
Pocket money and by-laws felt like big words to me. At one point, there were three different conversations going on at once and I blended all the sounds in my ears and smiled and knew that it was an English blend. So soft and calm in my ears.
I can feel my confidence shuffling around under the covers. It is alive. And it will get strong.