I have been really surprised at my desire for attention.
I suppose it’s not really that shocking and that if I had of thought about all the things I would feel upon arrival back in my country, it very possibly could have popped up.
I think perhaps, the intensity of the want is what has taken me by my surprise.
Since I was 16, I have always had attention, at least one guy or the other who ‘loved me’ and I enjoyed that.
There are still ones out there that do. But the fact that I don’t love them back, has never felt more like a gap than it does now.
That is where the Special Attention comes into play.
The attention you get from someone that you have a crush on. That you like a bit more than a friend. That you woud cuddle with and not feel weird about it.
I cuddled with one of my best guy friends who I know likes me-always has- but unlike in previous cuddle times with him, it felt awkward and odd and very obvious to me that I did not want to be doing it.
Special Attention now becomes very select.
I try not to care about the ones I do like, that are slow to text back or are busy with other life things.
I feel more needy but I contain myself and refrain from acting like it. Which has never needed to be the case. I never cared whether I took 40 minutes to text back or 6.
In Thailand a few months before the end, i would have a few drinks right after it hit noon.
As if that justified having them so early.
Each time I come back to Canada to visit, I would go out a lot drinking with friends.
My mom sees me having a few drinks now, and gets worried that I’ll fall into that drink groove.
I understand her concerns. I really do.
Sure a lot of this could be coping?
I guess we will find out a few months from now.
I do still feel pretty young sometimes. Like I’ve not matured or grown up fully. Well I know I haven’t.
When you’re doing the things you used to do five years ago?
Actions may come from a dark but meaningfu place, but
it’s difficult to launch out when you’re actions are what’s keeping you In.
A friend and I were discussing people we still kept in touch with. How she left the Halloween party early because she didn’t talk to anyone there. We talked about groups and selective friendshipping nowadays.
Heather: Who was in the well known group at school and talked to everyone, even outside of the group?
Me: um.. I donno.. No one that I can think of.
Heather: .. You Jen.. You..
It felt nice to hear, even if I didn’t think I was ever in ‘the group’.
But I knew where she was coming from. I am pretty friendly and non judgemental.
The last two times I have been back, 2011 and 2013, people that knew me in highschool, people i just knew through other people, messaged me.
People I had had very few interactions with.
They were people, both girl and guys, that I hadn’t much ever spoken to or hung out with during the time our lives were in the same line of occurrences.
I find it fascinating.
To know I was pretty shy and quiet back then and people liked me or wanted to hang out with me- but didn’t ever say it.
And I guess they ‘liked me’ in the way they liked what I looked like, what my life looked like and what or however they saw me when interacting with others.
You can only know so much about someone when you don’t talk to them.
I suppose I am being reminded of this each ‘old’ hangout..and that my confidence is boosted because of there divulgence.
I am pressing play to these new entries that have an old quality about them.
Overall, I am looking back to my past, in order to help me move forward.
After my first 6 months in Thailand, I came back for a visit and felt the gap between every single person I was friends with prior to the leave.
Noone understood what I experienced, no one could relate and most of all, no one really asked.
It made going back to Thailand, easier.
Now I come back and realize the daily routines of people, the regular lives, is what I long for. The simple. The past. The things I was so far from six years ago, are now the ways I crave. I want to be around stability. I am far removed from Thailand and I don’t even really care to talk about it. It is off of my list of conversation.
Oh how time and experience does everything.
I think I’ve become clingy. And I never was before.
I see myself now, as a controlled clinger. I won’t text a lot, asking what’s up or why you took four hours to respond to a wondering about the weekend. I will understand when I’ve gone too far with quesions and I have the ability to back off.
But as with anything new happening, I have to ask myself why. Why am I like this now?
I seem to have more suspscious thoughts. None that I act on of course, and ones that I shrug off.
I am being abit more paranoid than I ever was. And it is with people I am not even in serious relationships with.
I stepped out of a five year relationship and I can taste my vulnerability in my bowl of Cheerios.
I want confirmation. I want affectionate texts and touches. I want to feel cared for. I know I am reaching for that every day. It is what makes me feel safe and secure right now. Even if it is only temporary.