Life Evaluation

I have begun a reevaluation of my self and life, attempting to straighten things out and then I recognize
 that it actually feels impossible.
And that I really feel I need to see a councilor.
I actually feel a bit messed up.
I am on a flimsy raft of lies, and that raft is on a sailboat of them and that sailboat is on a ship. I’ve been sinking for the past four years.And I can’t get out of the room with the captain seat.Or maybe I should be in it, just steering in a different direction. Or maybe I really should be on a different mobile altogether.
I have read all those fancy quotes and even articles and books, on living a full life and being true to oneself and being honest and love yourself and make good choices and WHAT.
I can know all this and believe it and yet nothing comes from it because well,where does one start?? Not at the beginning,surely. Of course that’s where, but WHAT is that.

Visa Run-Thailand-Laos

The following is an old recount of my visa run in 2011:

There’s the three men from Israel. One of them is six and a half feet and limps around. Him and one of the other Israelian are jokesters and laugh quite a bit . I like this. 9 men altogether and by the end of the trip I have had converstions with all but one. He doesn’t stand away from the crowd, he just doesn’t enter in a sentence. Theres an english man named Stewart who lives off of Siam Country Club Road and first came to Pattaya in 1996.( same road I live on ) Eazrs is the other Israelian who I think looks French and buys me a red chupachup at one of the stops. ChupaChups are suckers. There is quite an overweight guy who takes six pills togo to sleep. Last stop he didn’t even get out. The quiet man is from the UK. I forget how I discovered that but i have . The driver and his red dyed sidekick are both thai and are gentle and comfortable. I met the driver six months ago when i did this trip the 2nd time.

Three in the afternoon on a white bed in a corner room. They gave me the corner room at the end of the hall- further away from everyone. I was smiling when I got into the van last night and smiled even harder when i discovered all the men in it were basic baldies. I’m the only girl on this visa run. As usual. The first time I went it was with mom and that was about a year ago. I have done one trip like it since so it is my third time. I like it. It’s a van ride all night where we stop every two hours at highway rest stops for those smokers an pee breakers.We arrive at the border which we wait an hour for to open. We go thru while our two drivers do the paper work and handle our money and get us the stamps that will allow us to stay in the couuntry longer. We get to our hotel at 830่am and I am tired and quiet and i go up to my corner room on the fourth floor and read. Then I decide to sleep. And I do for at least an hour and thirty. I don’t wanna sleep longer because I want to sleep tonight. Dinner is at six So I’ll go down and eat slow- a big fish. This time last year I didnt have desire to choose fish. Then maybe I’ll feel like explorig the city. I really dont feel like doing It right now. I don’t have energy an I have to ration my water. I am not changing over my Thai baht to Laos kip so I can’t buy water here.I have to save but I know that if i had unlimited amounts right now i would guzzle at least a whole bottle . I am thirsty .

While on the way up to Laos I stood away from everyone / I didn’t wanna talk. And I walked around the other side of the building and saw a frog with gold eyeshadow on. I saw the wire meshing of an animal and the greenery beginning at the hooves of it – that’s how they grow into something. I took a picture of it. Also of a truck piled incredibly high of white stuff.  I also saw a spider line from tree to tree and it was in the lamp post light in the rain. In this corner hotel room there is a non smoking sign and underneath it is a clean glass ashtray

The next day:
And in a van I sit in the back and I see a tree alongside a wall and it is arching in twist , stretching over the top . Like a kid who tried to climb a wall and stopped halfway, it’s head on the other side, the branches only the top visable. And I travel down the road I did 17 months ago with my mother. In the back of a tuktuk, laughing because it made so much noise . A mosquito roams the van. they have 42 teeth i read. And now I have crossed the border back into Thailand. I can feel it . In the ground and in the people. That this is Thailand . And it feels like home. And that realization startles me. Laos was different and the people didn’t seem as friendly but maybe that was just me going on little sleep. Over the border the mens celphones they get on them and talk and I can hear them speak Tinglish to there Thai girlfriends or married ones and me? I text my daddy. I still am the only girl here And I bought these gooey candies and i hadn’t tried them before and when we crossed over into Thailand I said aloud, we are in two places at once! To no one in particular. The guy beside me smiled . Throughout the trip he has continued to feed me lines .I’m wearing a black bandana as a headband and a high ponytail. It is messy and i haven’t brushed it today. Boy stands with a styrfoam cup of noodles from 711. Fork raised six inches above the cup, noodles hanging off and I have to grin There’s two more frogs I see and I check if they have gold eyeshadow but they both haven’t.    I think I understand the way the Thais think more than I do the language. If they say something to me, a big long string of things-I’ll pick out words, sure, but I’ll put the sentence together by the situation, the context, the things swirling around. And thats how I’ll reply. and Im usually right. If i go to canada  it will only take a few weeks for me to lose this.This is what ten months does in a foreign country   I cradle it gently as i do my puppy right  now-sleeping in my left arm while I type with the other…
I am back to the pink house,
able to stay 60 more days legal,
in Thailand.

the Red

there was blood on my mango and i didn’t know why
i still don’t know why.
i didn’t eat the red .

i didn’t eat the red.

maybe it wasn’t even blood
I don’t know what it was.

Five years ago I deticked my Thai mutt.
but stopped because she had too many.
I stepped on one. and a lot of blood squirted out so i said
” THATS MY DOGS BLOOD YOU FOOL’

and i stepped on it again.

My Mother Reveals

My mom texted me before I left for her party on Saturday. ‘Jen. Can you come up here.  ‘
I went up to find her in bed in pjs with her makeup and hair all done up. Laying down against the mauve of her pillow and she looked so pretty.

“If you need something to wear I have dresses in the other closet you could wear. I haven’t worn them yet”.
” Ok thanks.
And I start to leave the room.

” oh and
I’m really nervous.”
She’s wringing her hands together.

She continues on:
” Should I have a glass of wine?
Will you come up with me if I have to say a thank you speech?
Can Zeek sit with me to blow out the candles?
Do you have any wine? Will you bring it up?’

There’s frantic and panic in her voice and she looked so beautiful in fear. I felt a glimmer of sorry for her. In what she must be feeling.
And that, she can look so together, and reveal and be so vulnerable. Like she was a little girl all over again.
She let her guard down so I could walk in and see her that way.

She revealed her ability to reveal.

Timidosity


I want to launch. 
Not into any topic in particular, but because that is a familiar feel with you. 
I won’t sweetener things. I won’t wear a coat and call it Sugar. 
 
Since interaction between you and I began, I was interested in your oceans. 
And I really feel that I won’t stop having the desire to swim them. 
 
Are we dangerous? 
 
I walk on pebbles of fear
and I am not wearing any slippers.

 
 

Some Flowery Antics

Sometimes frozen dust gets lodged in the flower zone. And petalling your way out is the unbloom of it all. Edges will meet the air and make shapes that we call existance, yet the the unseen,like love, exists too.
Droops can stem from the bend of the planets and water can grow pretty murk in a weak.

But if you let it, that’s the way the laughter honeys itself. Onto the kitchen table. Where the middle of it, is always the place it is.