The Point in Breaking

Six months ago:

One night I was sobbing on the floor of the living room. And he looked at me with such pity and disgust. I couldn’t stop.
It was probably one of those anxiety attacks that I never have-now that I look back on It.
My breath was all over the place.

It was feeling I was powerless to, except to feel it’s power. Uncontrollably.

I had snot dripping down and my eyes were so bloodshot and he said, and I said, I had to go.
It wasn’t good if Zeek saw me this way.

And so I walked out and down to the park inside the village and I laid on the grass while my heaves subsided and ten minutes later I felt panic.
He had left. He must have left with Zeek. I ran back and saw the car gone and I called him and told him to come back and I wanted to hurt myself if he didn’t. I begged him to come back. I needed Zeek.
He listened in silence.
And said okay.

I have never felt more panic for my son than that night.
The only man besides my father, that’s ever seen me that way.

And now I am in Canada,not Thailand.

There is a point in breaking, because if their isn’t, we wouldn’t reach a breaking point.

Let Us Be This Way

We’ve all got opinions that make up who we are. Somewhere along the way they are formed. There are many factors that make up who we are and some, we don’t even understand.
It is silly to get upset ( but very natural ) over someone else’s feelings of what you have said or done. People get offended or hurt easily so sometimes it makes it difficult to say what we really want to say. We shy away from other peoples feelings.
But people need to grab an exterior, fit for truthfulness. For if we all shy away from hurting anothers feelings,we’re gonna walk the park with chocolate on our cheek or our fly down.
It’s normal to get defensive and react quickly but maybe we all need to really think about what is going on in the situation. Did that person really mean to insult me? Was he doing me a favour?

We should think of it more like this way:
Did that person have to express what they were feeling? Did they have to tell me that story where they felt vulernable or weak. Did they have to tell me who texted them or who stopped by earlier?

In relationships, we want to be open. We want the doors cracked off their hinges so that there is in fact, no doors at all. We want to feel secure with those doors off and we want the other to too. So what better way to provoke that open spirit, then to accept truth and reality with an exterior that is willing to take a few dings and to feel a few things. To understand that our words may hurt each other, but that hurt or sadness gives us an opportunity to express our very natural feelings. And an opportunity for that other person to accept, embrace and ultimately, love.

Desire and Time

They say sometimes.
But when is that?

Do we know time,like it knows us?

Everything happens because time is involved. That master.

I know you, because of time.

Desire is instilled in each one of us, and when we die, our life is for everyone else to gaze over and think about. What DID that person do.What DID that person like doing? Did they do it?
Funerals will always have nice things to say about people. After all it is the last congretation and most recent that that person will ever get. What DO we celebrate.

Are we living how we want? And if not, why not?

I am not living how I want. And I know if I died, I’d be embarressed and upset about my route. I am not the person I want to be. Maybe time is what it takes, to get there. But desire?
You’ve got to make time for desire.

On You

Float it on the outside. Wrap it securely and keep yourself in check. Make moments to be aware so that you can always self improve. And be open to many subjects but have opinions and stand your ground. Have sand sift through your fingers. You don’t have to look but feel for diamonds. And hold onto those gems. Whether it’s people, ideas, or thoughts
-and float them on the outside.

Old Journal Entries

Going through my Journal of 2013 and my stomach feels like its rolling over into inside out and so I pick up the phone and I leave a message for a therapist and say I want to book an appointment or session or what the hex did I say? I don’t know but I know my gut is nervous and I think, ‘ if i’m like this to a telephone, what’s it gonna be like when we’re face to face? ‘ but it doesn’t really matter because underneath all these crazed and scared feels, there’s a calm.

Making the call was a good decision.