Moving Time

With shreds and leather bags of purpose,

the air blunders into the future,

as if

that’s the only thing it knows.

Because that’s

the only thing it knows.

Time doesn’t stop when you think it does.

It doesn’t stop when you’re warbled into a moment of precious.

Even when you see a raccoon launch itself onto the road.

It doesn’t even stop when you’re dead.

That’s how superhero it is.

Time? Put me in your moving truck so that I can be superhero with you.

Questioning ME

How does one mess up so bad?

Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.

And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?

Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.

This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?

I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.

Why haven’t I?

Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?

I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.

How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.

Where is MY heart?

What does IT want?
WHY can’t I figure it out.

A Blow Up

As I write this my eyes are of puffy glue and aching.
I got myself into a mess larger then what my heart could handle. I’ve hurt someone, I’ve broken them-the nicest person I’ve ever known. The most commited and devoted. His love reached the heavens and I busted down the door of trust. .
Because I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was all over the map and was scared no one would love me, yet he was standing right in front of me.  He was so fragile to begin with, and I remember thinking I wanted to help him. To make him happy. And I did. He stopped taking his meds because he was that stable. And then I blew it up and made the mess and the hurt and the ache and the tenderness, I created something bad and realized that he’s all I want.

Having Anyone or Anything- Is that Happy?

I’m going to sound conceited, full of myself and empty of humbleness. But these are a few facts from my thinkings.

I could be with any guy.
Any guy I’ve wanted, I’ve had. ( I consider celebrities non obtainable )
I have not had my heart broken, but I have broke many.
When you have a selection of an empire, your happiness seems more difficult to find.
Just like rich people. When you can purchase anything you’d like, the level of contentment stretches beyond what you can actually reach.
There is a statistic that notes of an annual salary above a certain amount. People that make above this number, are usually unhappy.

Which guy will make me the happiest?
I don’t discard them like scraps of metal, but it makes it easier to move on, knowing I’m able to jump on the Relation Ship again. Thing is, I’m always jumping on it with a life jacket around myself. I haven’t ever fully given myself to anyone because I’ve only wanted to feel the waves out.
And you can’t do that expecting to get to a shore of ‘for better or worse’ or ‘for forever’.

I’ve wanted to reach that shore, and believed entirely that I was capable of and willing to with each of my past partners.
But I was not.
You can’t be in a ship with water wings on, a life belt, or while clutching flippers. That’s like having one leg in the water and one leg on the boats’ platform. Like having half your heart with one person, and the other half floating on tree branches or bottles, searching to see if you’ll see anything else float by that looks better.
On the sea I’ve launched myself in, I’ll be 50 with 4 kids from three fathers,sitting on a crappy piece of styrofoam.
At the rate rich people spend and respend and change out for the newest models,they’ll be found in there luxery suite with a bottle of pills next to their dead body.

So where does the issue hide itself.

To my belief, it wraps around our lungs and our soul and coats our spirit with misunderstanding.
Nothing will make you long term happy,and I mean nothing-no new baby, no new job or cold case of beer- if you are not happy with yourself.

If you expect to find it in the layers of clothes you wear,
remember,
you’re the one that stands naked in the shower.