Questioning ME

How does one mess up so bad?

Why do I feel like I was oblivious in some way? That I had no idea the life that was unfolding under my feet.

And I was the one that was creating it.
Why, for the past few years, have I felt like I was floating in a time bubble. That I was unaware and simply reacting vaguely to the occurances around me. Why did I let them happen.
WHEN am I gonna grow up?

Their are steps. And I’ve been reversing from them for quite some time. Convincing myself that hey ,maybe I’m a little closer to changing then I was two weeks ago.

This is probably the biggest push. This I realize, seeing someones heart in a disturbed broken mess. Because of ME?

I want to give myself fully to someone. That hasn’t happened in two years.

Why haven’t I?

Have I been too afraid to settle? To make the decision to settle?

I found someone that I fell in a love puddle with.
And all I did was stomp ripples into it, thinking what? No, not thinking at ALL.

How can I do that to someone so precious and special and beautiful.

Where is MY heart?

What does IT want?
WHY can’t I figure it out.

7 comments on “Questioning ME

  1. Emily says:

    Wow… Sounds like you’re in quite a pickle. I haven’t always known what I wanted. My heart was in a few relationships it didn’t belong. I broke the hearts of a few men as well. can I ask how long you were together?

    • rampike says:

      Hey Emily. Thanks for the comment! We were only together six months but we fell hard into it-so of course that makes all the difference. The level of serious can creep up. I suppose in dating, breaking hearts or getting heart broken is inevitable-part of the process. But we learn something from them, don’t we? Heck Em, I friggen hope so!
      Naw, in more secure terms, I know that I have. And I hope you can say the same for yours. 🙂 Thanks again for your comment!

  2. Emily says:

    Six months?!?! That’s it? Hardly enough time to time to be heartbroken.

    I kid, I’ve been in places like that. Things get super passionate too quick. I prefer the slow burn type. Then you really know what you’ve got. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve totally jumped in with both feet and not a thought in the world.

    Two years ago I came out of long term relationship and befor I knew it I was back in another one. My boyfriend had been disinterested in me for so long that unknowingly found a man that was like a little puppy. So sweet and nice and always telling me how pretty I was and doing all the little things. It got the point I could have just gone with it, but I like a man that challenges me. So it didn’t work out. It was just a rebound. But it was super passionate and fairytale like.

    I read some of your older posts so I’m assuming the Thailand guy is not the same one. I’m sorry, I get chatty. But it’s a slow day at work…

    What do you do for work? Where ya from? I’m in Canada.

  3. rampike says:

    Hey again,
    Glad you’re happy to reply. 🙂 I would far more frequently if I was able to balance my time better. I’ve got a two and a half year old from my first ‘marriage’. He’s pretty stinkin’ cool so it makes being a stay at home mom easier. I’m in Ontario, where abouts are you in Canada? It’s interesting how you and I got into opposite ships. You mentioned you liked a guy that challenged you. That was my first relationship. For me,I ended up feeling that it’s tough dating a smart guy. Only took me the last year to figure that out. So now I’m in something thats certainly more on my level. Which… I didn’t mention because it’s all unfolding so new. But. He’s decided to stay with me. To work through it all. So. I may seem all nonchalant and mundane with this decision of his, but inside my intestines are ballooning up and I’m soaring with helium of happy. Write back! And hey, why can’t I check out your site? Or do you not have one?

    • Stay at home mom?!?!

      You lucky tart! Lol

      I have to warn you, I’ve been known to not have a “filter” as they say. Haha

      So please take me with a grain of salt. I honestly don’t mean to offend people, but it happens all the time. I like to challenge people’s ways. So don’t be afraid to call me a bitch, you wouldn’t be the first. Lol

      Ok, so…
      You had a smart husband and lived in Thailand. Correct?

      That ended and you moved to Canada and traded down in smarts but are happier for it. Correct? Is he the loving puppy type? Hehe

      This all happened rather fast didn’t it? To each there own, if you’re happy, you’re happy. 🙂

      Can I ask what they both do for work?

      A little boy eh? I’m so not ready for kids yet, not even sure I want them, but I might date a guy that has one already. I’m not sure I want to be pregnant. Seems like a lot of work. Lol

      He “decided” to stay with you? I read that you were pretty upset about whatever you did. Can I ask what happened? I gather you felt undecided to settle or commit. I am SO bad for that. Lol, I always have one eye on the next ex boyfriend.

      I like reading your blog, I’m pretty new to this scene, but you’re upbeat and fun, even if your posts are a downer. :p

      See, I’m a bitch! Hahahaha

      Reply if you like, chatty rampike!

      • rampike says:

        Emily,you’re kinda fun! Haha, I have a lot more to my reply than just this feathery paragiraffe;but lets say we move it to email?

      • I think you already did? I’m a west coast dude now? Lol

        You’ll have to explain that to me. So early, I had to read paragiraffe a few times to understand it. ‘Is that spelt right?!?!’ Lol

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