A Question About Mid 20 Drinking

I’m wondering.
And I really do wonder about it. And before I google or youtube or roosterdock it,
I like to get my thoughts out and in order and figured and oh, who am i kidding. They don’t get figured out.
But,

well, age. And drinking. I’m almost 27 and I drink daily and well, I just wonder if that’s what it’s like for the rest of the almost 27 year old family. Well. any few years above or below that. Oh. That sounds like I’m beliddling the low. But I’m not. I assure you.

In this generation, do we, are we.. like this?

Is it the year of the drink and the year of this is what makes us happy and what all the people around us are doing so we do it. and sometimes it goes beyond a night out but during the day and by day i mean morning. Is this what it is like? Does it stop? Is it a worrysome feature in our life? Or is it a clickerton. Where you hit 30 and BAM  you’re off the rocks and vod and Monday morning doesn’t mean a ceaser with your bacon. Is THAT what happens?

Well, I don’t know. I know that I drink a lot. But I’m not afraid of it. Maybe I should be. I know it means I have some issues I’m not dealing with. Somedays I think, okay, my mind should really be clear for all of this. To think of stop drinking altogether. But then I think why.
I drink instead of eat and maintain a good weight because of it. So you know, that’s a nice.
I’ve never been overweight and maybe at this age, this is my diet. And it works decently enough.
Or maybe I’m just drunk and I have no idea what I’m talking about.

All THOUGH,
thoughts and sayings, come from SOMEWHERE. ALL the time. It doesn’t matter how absurd it seems. Everything

comes from somewhere.

Even what you’re thinking about as you read this.
You drunk soul you.

Under the Stand of Intrigue

I knew he liked me. I knew his eyes were on me as I sat, conversing with another. I knew the lines out of my mouth sputtered up his brain wave lengths. I could tell by the surprise gleam that coated his eyes the instant my line was out. I knew in his reactions, he was intrigued.

I kept my distance.

But it was a feeling I recognized. This is what I used to catapult for. I could live off of this feeling. I do not think I am complex. But I am creative.

At least in one category or another.

As I have got older, I meet more people that have more experience. Like me.Less surprises them.  As children we go so much with the flow because we do not know what to believe, what to understand or trust and growing makes us more aware. We are not surprised at much. Then we reach that bubble of our personality that determines what we are surprised at. And it diminishes over time because we become accustomed to it.

I don’t live for that intrigue anymore. For those reactions.
I think that’s part of the reason why I’m shuffling around. I think I thought that was my purpose. At least something that I knew made me happy. But in the end it isn’t sustainable happiness.  I can’t interest everybody at the rate I would like while dating someone. I think that was a difficult pill to swallow.
But it is good, very good, to have come to that conclusion.

Life Pondermints

Lately I’ve been thinking about my purpose in life. And also the idea– If I am not living for myself, for who I am, who am I living for? And why.

I think we get into crunches sometimes. And we’re like, ‘ what the heck, how did I get here??’. And it’s kind of a feary feeling.Because if THAT can happen, if we can get somewhere without knowing, who’s to say at which point we’ll end up at the dead point-without knowing?
Oh wait… that scenerio DOES exist.

It’s not to say we can’t end up in GREAT places, wondering how we got there.
But whether the places are of bad quality or of good, if we think hard enough, we’ll likely determine ‘how we got there. Life is pretty tell tale- it’s not all baloney and disjointed burgers of mayhem. But it does have it’s loops of crazy and surprise and mystery.
So if we DON’T figure out how we got to where we are, that’s okay.
Sometimes it’s best if we DON’T know.
But we might never know if we’re supposed to know. Chances are, if we don’t, then we aren’t.

So when I look back to figure out how I got here-well I’m supposed to know. Because I do know. It’s just kind of a weird feeling when I realize being here with a pondering of my purpose for the first time in my life,means that I never pursued potential in it before. It’s just been full of runny eggs,melted yogurt and floating dust particles.

In the past three months I have learned more about myself than I have in three years. That’s a lot of learning.
You would think that with all this new stuffs I’ve got in my pockets, I’d be hop, skip and jump-a-crumpin’ around the earth. ( Okay, so by earth I mean my city )

But NO!
My head is spun out.  It’s like being rewarded 8 different awards and not sure which one to brag about first. It’s like winning the lottery and not knowing what to spend or where to spend the money. It’s like being a new person and not knowing where,or how, to direct yourself.

You can have drives more frequently than others and therefore be considered driven but they all come and go. I’m okay with that, but what does starting my car mean? I know we start at the beginning, but I don’t know where the key to my car is. My heart?

I guess I just want my forward movement to represent the new I am. It shoudn’t be that difficult, but I think reassessing purpose and realizing I was living for nobody at all has really made socks of hesitation for my feet. I’m scared to step anywhere.

But hey,maybe by taking a step in wherever direction, is exactly what I need to figure out where I do or don’t want to step, and give me plans and goals to start mapping my life journey. To start a career of life, by actually choosing what happens in it, instead of just reacting to what does.

Now to stop typing and start doing.
That’s a step, ain’t it?

A Thousand

Highs and Lows. We’ve all got them. A thousand of them.

These days, I find myself baffled to sickness-at how quick one can go from being grinny and positive, to the bottom of the bucket. Sad. Negative.

We are affected.

And sometimes, I just don’t want to be.

I don’t think I’ve ever had the yern for a stable life. I didn’t know that was a thing I didn’t have. Or else I did and didn’t admit it. But going from one extreme to the other so quickly, is not healthy. It isn’t. I feel myself lurching into the same darkness everytime the low blasts into feelsight. A ocean with a thousand waves, a thousand feet high. And I’m wanting only, to be a thousand feet under.
I do not embrace the low well, any longer. I just want them to stop.
I just want to stop them.

And sometimes,
mostly all the time,

the only way I want to do that is to stay

a thousand feet under.

Flying in my Heart

I flew around the world with a human-my son,who had only spent 4 montharoos in the worldy. Me and my 24 year old self.
I don’t know, maybe that should have sunk in and it should be considered a small feat and what some Moms do all the time.
But it was me and everytime I think about that time, I feel I was very young.

It was, and is, a giant feat for me that I feel proud about.

And now?

My son flies around my heart in his own special capsule in his own special space every single day. He’s got his own flight path and neither of us are the pilots-it’s just called love.
We fly alone together everywhere.

To the grocery store. Through dreams. Through tears.

Even when apart.

He takes the flight in my heart that is a flight that lasts forever.
And no matter how young or how old I feel,
it will always be the case-
plane and simple.

World Realm

Fuse the together strands with lava and march the sidekicks to their bed.
Brush all the kettling peppers with butterfly colours and step inside the largest wisdom kingdom you see.

Run for the great, walk for the mighty.
Don’t web your soul to the underground,but stay grounded.
Don’t buy none of the sales, but don’t sale yourself out.

Stay complete in a day and it’ll have you rocketing and boppiting for candid apples.
Stay humor on your shoulders and check the steps of sweetly bellied ants.
Their rhythm and their shine.

Be and do and wait and go.
Sleep and stand and hold and loosen.

Then let go.

Different Types of Tough

There are lots of good wonderfuls about life. Negative wonderfuls that make us stronger,better people.
Sometimes those saddy wonderfuls just suck to go through. We just want to be on the other side of it where we are that stronger,better person.

There are all kinds of different tough wonderfuls.
There are the monotone lines of the stuff. That are a constant apparency in your life.

There are ones that you can shove away for a little while, distract yourself with events or other people.

The rollercoaster ones that have you up for a day and then sunk to the bottom of the ocean the next. Being on that ride for weeks? That otta make your guts feel like they’re gonna spill out of your eyes.
There are ones that have you home in bed, wanting nothing to do with life.

I’m not sure if there’s a benefit in figuring out which one you’re experiencing. I suppose I just point these out because I figured which category I was in. The rollercoaster one.
In knowing that I kind of brace myself for the stomach dropping falls. It makes the happy ride in the clouds slightly salty and disfigured but that’s part of the bracing.

It’s an emotional,mental and physically exhausting trip. I tell myself often that the journey, as sucky as it is, it’s going to be okay. I have to believe that or else staying under the ocean will seem like a very pleasant and peaceful place, the glad clouds a mere unobtainable dream.