Saturated in numb calming days. I feel boiling warmth of heart wrapping around my neck and ankles and little sleep weasels its’ way into my night and I don’t try and fight it, I just let it enter.
And my broken spirit are the stones I walk on, as I try and regain some sort of composure. I know I believe in it. But it almost seems untangible. That even the times I feel close to reaching for it, it vanishes and leaves me more discouraged.
This is the most beautiful and treachorous and love filled and hurt induced ship i’m on. Finding that balance isn’t too tricky, it’s getting all the componenets and factors lined up.
Depression, anxiety,panic, disturbances with mind, imbalance in brain.
How much more common are these things nowadays?
A lot more talked about. People are a lot more open about it.
I really think it’s not just that. There are more cases of it than ever before. Because the world.
Because of divorce rates, because of choice, because of war, because people are people with characteristics of slow failure. Because there is medication for things.
I kinda happen to think that we’re all alittle doomed. Social media being one large factor. But that’s not even what I’m sad about. Life is life and it does it’s own thing.
I was a pretty happy being all my life. And then bam, 27 hit and I rolled over and found mud.
Even 26 when I was miserable living abroad. I had this hope in my heart, that if i could just get to my homeland, everything would be fine.
But it’s not. Now it’s not.
And it’s all in my head, it’s all in my head.
It swims in violet swirls as I am finally understanding fully, that I am learning about love. That I am learning what it really means to love. And it is difficult.Learning AND Loving. And the reason I never knew much about it before now is due to the fact that I always ran when it got tough. When I didn’t like something and told myself it was a big deal, it was easy for me to step out- for I had never fully given myself. I hadn’t become vulnerable enough. I was too stiff and scared to risk.
My standards are still high, but now I see better, the love I have in me.
I have felt loved before, I was always loved. But this love means the most to me. And why? Because this love comes from someone that has seen and dealt and cried and feared and hurt so badly for my mistakes; from who I was before all this. And. They Still love Me.
So now, along with the past seven months, I go through the active repercussions of my past choices. I see that at the same time there is the pain that love can bring someone, the incredible drive to continue is also present.
And THAT, is something that makes me love better.
Experience is the best teacher, even if it hurts the most. These days I’m prooving to myself that I love deeper than I ever have before.
And that’s an experience I wouldn’t trade for three A’s in grade 12.