How Difficult Does Up and Down Get

And just like that it spins around again.
I can’t win.

” Sometimes you say stuff that I know you’ve said before to others. It loses meaning to me.”

I threw my phone at that. I  just got done telling you it’s harder to make you happy now. You’re skeptical of everything.

I can’t fucking win.
I’m just being myself and it’s being thrown back into my eyelids.

My dad will sit across from me in a coffeeshop and speak for 14 minutes without me saying a word.
My meaning means nothing.

 

I feel so little right now.

I feel I’m a speck size . Floating in diaster land.

I have no friends. I have nobody I am hanging out with. I barely have my son because I’m living in a house of 12 people it seems and I can’t get any alone time anywhere in any corner and someone is always somewhere and I keep going up and down and it hurts and it makes me ache and this is so damn difficult.

I don’t know if I even wanna keep pushing. Is it worth the strength to get out there and see people that don’t know me? I have to get driven everywhere because I’m not allowed to drive.

I’m trying, i’m trying but I’m tiring I’m tiring.

It’s so damn difficult. I’m so damn negative.
I’m not a negative person. I never was I never was I never was I never was.

 

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This entry was posted in Journal.