Plans? Hmm?

I usually don’t tell my plans for that makes them crinkle before they can even stand.
And likely because, ” I’M COMING TO VISIT YOU OVER THERE JEN!’
” LET’S MEET NEXT THURSDAY at NOON at THIS PLACE”
And then,
poof. Texts really can make a statement.

I am willing and capable of planning, but I do it in accordance ( if it involves another ) of THEIR planning record with me. I don’t get angry at bails anymore. I just probably won’t make that big, if any, effort to see you next time.

Us Hue-mints, if we want to see and hang with someone bad enough, if we understand that getting ready and driving there is, yes an ‘ugggghhh i don’t wannaaaaaaa’ type of feeling but once there you feel awesome and great and you even click it into your brain like, ‘HEY, Yo, ME, next time just don’t go about it with such huffpuff, cause it’s fine once here’, then it’s all goood!

But no, I started this post because I’m just gonna try something different here.

April First I’m gonna kinda sorta star…. NO, i’m GOING to start a health punch kick type of thing. I’ve eaten enough crapmunch the past 38 days and it’s time for me to top a notch into my phrysical brain that makes me feel yum about bodyself and hey, I’m wondering if I’ll post pictures. I’ll keep ya posted:)

Power Rising

A week ago a friend told me about a Church Easter Hunt,free pancakes,Service type a deal.
One week later I walked into that church having not told her I was going to go,with my son not knowing anyone.
Into the eating place, a boy from my sons school runs up. We sit with his mom and sisters.

I stand beside that Mom while the friend that invited me looks after the children in the nursery. My son and her son have interacted more with one another than we have. I feel at peace.
This is cool.
This is the socializing I would like to become more involved in. I am good at it. I like the confidence I can feel in knowing I am doing something that feels comfortable. Like my old self used to do with ease, with grace. With connection and soul and listening. I’m a pro.
Just over the years I started thinking too much.I was the minority for one thing, in the country of Thai Language, and then coming back here since I had lost a lot of my self over there, I couldn’t really stand on two feet conversing and feel good about it.

Here’s to yet again, more new changes coming.

Go life, go me.

Play Friendly

The cant elope giraffes,
with their palm tree hands and lie po lips
I need to drink more water, I need to drink more water.

The african sun, out tanning by the dunes
baking apples and seasoning with sand.
I would like the crunch, I would like the crunch.

The sea sun is changing,
into reigning kingsized drops.
I hallucinate you, I salute you,
you darling haze lulling  nut.

Accept Holidays, you Hue mans

 

Holidays are on the calender. They are days off of school. They are days off of work. You’ll complain about the marketing tactics, how it’s all just a scam, yet you’ll book a trip to Montreal on those days off and you will love it.

Don’t complain about how everyone should be showing their utmost love on more than just Valentines Day. When you don’t.
Instead of boycotting holidays, accept them.
Because unless you’re going to start a campaign that stretches across the world, the holiday ain’t gonna change.
They are in our calender year of life.

If you’re gonna stay home and sulk, then fine, do it. But don’t try and drag everybody else down with you.
If some 40 year olds want to dress up green, sparkle there face up and wear short Irish skirts and not even be Irish,
let them.
Being happy for other peoples happiness, regardless of where it derives from- is a beautiful quality to have.

Have fun with it, because you can’t change it.

In turn, you’ll likely turn out happier yourself and who knows,
maybe join in the next time someones having a Hop Along Easter Bunny Party and have the best carrot cake you’ve ever tasted.

We’re All the Same

We’re all mutts.
We’re all inbred little phinxs’ that collect from here, take a little from there, and slide some of sucha such onto our plates from that other plate.

We’re all a portfolio.
We’re files of other peoples papers, other peoples quotes and other peoples thoughts; wanting a specific kind of attention on the clayselves we are forever moulding.
Lovers of writing, art, singing, songwriting, poetic little junkatrunks.

We’re our own little cage of endorphins.

A bean of human
surrounded by all us other beans.

 

Day One:

I open my eyes and I know.
My chest is physically aching like my heart has been pumping out tears throughout my body the entire night. I’m full of tears and I don’t know where to put them all.

Long road to recovery.
That’s what I’ll top off this email with.

A dollop of that and a sprinkle of hope,
and we got ourselves an enriching combo of live through the toughest, to be the bestest.

Miss You.

Calling all Mommys

How many Moms’ out there don’t think you deserve your child?

I rarely brag about my son. I barely even talk about him with others.
When his teacher says stuff to you about him that you haven’t heard her say to any other mother, and you KNOW she means it,
it all clicks into place.
He’s beautiful. He’s loving. He’s emotional.
” He loves you.”
” You feel that connection with him, don’t you.”  And you know that. You know he loves you.

And to think,
I was going to end my life because ‘it sucked’.

 

 

He deserves a Mom that loves life like he loves her.
And that’s ME.

 

It’s a….. First!

I have never actually felt that with anyone else before.
Like he could see inside my soul.

I’ve had good guy friends. Ones that knew me very well. Spending so much time with me and seeing me in all sorts of settings. Drunk, posh, social outings, new experiences, new people. There was a group of us, that got really close.

But
I never dated them. Sure we had connections and even intimate moments. ( I used to be such a flirtatious hugger ) But we never crossed the lines to being in a relationship. I didn’t think of them as a guy I would date. Because they were my best friends. And I never dated a best friend before. There WAS such a thing as a friend zone for me. Even though I denied it for years.

Me and my recent ex, we’d known of one another for 12 years and dated after a few months of one on one hang outs and it wasn’t until 6 or so months in that I realized he was my best friend. He knew SO MUCH bad about me. He knew me and still wanted to love on me. Still wanted to kiss me.

He still is my best friend. He’s the first boyfriend I ever dated that turned into my best friend. I want to marry my best friend.
And to me, he’s the one.

He’s the one I want to spend my life with.
Not just because he loves me regardless of how much I hurt him,

but because for the first time in my life, I see all of someones faults and I look ahead 10 years ( because I know what it’s like to be married ) and even though I can see those faults in 10 years, I have the love that withstands them.
I have the power, the tools, the mindset to love through them. To love unconditionally.

Holy Crapola!

 

Beginning of a Good Breakup Hits Me

Oh shite,

this is harder than I thought.

I’m gulping in air-tears trying to keep them from popping out of my eye balls and my heart is about as heavy as an empty aircraft and full as a buffalo who’s eaten 10 heaping plates of macaroni and 12 bowls of chocolate mousse cake and 284 bugs all in 2 minutes. And I mean the BIG bugs.
I must maintain positivity. I must.
This is so difficult.

Looking at my phone still, knowing the texts will not happen anymore after today.
The miss is setting in harder than it has in the past two months.
This will not be good. This will not be good…

But it will be good.
Because I will make it that way.

I can choose to.

And I choose to.