You know when you flick your lighter at a rag soaked in gasoline?
And it bursts into a heat you automatically want to drop?
Sometimes we get those moments. And it is not passion that’s ignited.
It is anger.
Our immediate thought is, ‘Must stop whatever made me feel this.’
And many many many of us launch with all that initial flame, into an uncontrolled reaction.
We only think with that burst and we don’t let the fire tone down to it’s more brilliant element; calamity.
Feel that fire, acknowledge it and then wait. Slowly go forth when you feel the heat has subsided- in you still but not enough for you to boil over.
We burst into flames all to quickly. Let’s try and wait it out. We’ll only get better by trying.
Approach the problem when you are calm.
You are more respected if you have yourself under control.
Make your fire healthy , not hazardous.
Make it heart warming, not heart burnt.
Something is going to happen soon.
In dealing with ex and I.
Just like I knew it before we stopped all contact. I can feel something.
I have feels that it will be good, but I am still in an unsteady wavering place where I am grasping at anything that seems positive.
If given the chance of believability, I will spill my truth which I finally understand is my heart… like I have never ever before.
I must be up to date honest.
I must implement that into all parts of my world. My life.
Every person I come into contact with.
It has started with self.
And now I need to tell him.
It’s freeing just thinking about it.
Besides the 12 sit ups I did in bed at two thirty am last night because I couldn’t get to sleep, I did zilch for 26th.
27th however, woulda blowed the hairs off your ankles.
61 minutes of go, go and more go.
I felt like throwing up after it was all done and did.
I was the dancer of the early eve as I kept on going until my heart felt like it was a rock that was going to shoot out of my chesticle like a firework on drugs.
I ran around with son, chasing a mini football. Did a really sweet handstand on top of the hill in the front yard.
I did the craziest tree activity I have in the past few years, ( err.. or ever ) hanging around like a monkey who’d eaten too much cake. Pulling myself up with just my arms, then just my legs, moving sideways with nothing other then my stomach muscles doing the work.
After that my calves were aching and sooted with tree bark.
Then I came in and sat.
Then wrote this.
And afterwards, you can guess I’ll be sitting some more.
If this is the process of a heart opening up to love,
feeling just got an infinate times more tender.
My sensitive guts, oh come on now!
I feel broked open!
Airing out my heart has never happened
it’s the only thing on the line
blowing in the wind and those dusts and specks, yeah! They blast into my blood line and stream through me like they know they ain’t supposed to be there
and it brings me to my knees, oh like heckaloo it does.
I’m bending out of a tree and I just want to feel limp
to not feel the split open of my heart
all the strings and power and muscle exposed
just hurting aching longing
Lake Heart Ache.
what a fricken real life thing .
I guess it’s just the most alone I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
I’ve wrote about this before. I know.
But it’s still here. So I’ll write about it.
Even when I was on the other side of the world with a handlful of friends that I rarely saw and a husband and a child, I was less lonely. Why?
Not because of the relationship I had, but because I knew I had good friendships elsewhere. That’s what kept me on my feet.
Now I’m here and I have six feet more to my length, of lonliness.
I’m depriving myself, soaking myself in the lack of desire and trying to convince myself that I’m okay with it. That I should be. That I deserve this lack of contact. That I deserve to feel alone. 26 years is a long time to not feel alone. So it’s about time.
Since it’s my first time, you can bet I’m sucking at handling it. Rejection really flippin is a terrible terrible thing. I’ve been spoiled!
And even though I know what to do with myself, I almost kind of don’t. I just feel lost.
I can contact men from the past and let that be an easy fix. Let the attention wrap around me. But I’m trying to change, remember? I refuse to do it the easy way.
So I suppose until I’m out of this space, I’ll complain, vent, roam in lonely and let it do whatever it’s supposed to do to me. I’m not over it. I’m under it and it’s weighing me down.
When I have the muscle power to break free of it, I’ll let you know.
im stuck, im still stuck.
sometimes i’d like to shut off my mind. dont we all want that somedays.
how many of us feel that we are so aware of what’s going on in our lives.
including all the negatives and shyza we dont’ have control over.
and we can know what to do. we know exactly how to be in order for things to slowly or quickly- get better
i’m feeling tired of typing out all these life things and believing in them, really believing in them, but not acting on them.
here it would seem, lies a problem.
what is that problem. why is it so difficult to put the things we know, we have come to understand and believe, into practise. why can’t we do it.
I was always able to have girlfriends if I wanted them.
I just remember them being meaner. Pickier. Gossiped a lot.
I was shy and didn’t care for that.
I kind of was a tom boy. Up until 8 years ago.
I disliked the colour pink and cried when my Mom made me wear frilly dresses to church.
Over the years I could tell I related better to the boys.
Yeah, it had the extra bonus of attention of the opposite sex, but I didn’t even think like that at the time. It really did make more sense for me to be around the ones that were more like me.
I’m not like the woman on the tv show ‘ The Bachelor’ who all the other ladies hate. No, no, no. By far not the case. I’m likable. I will say that girls have felt jealousy towards me- even my own two best friends ( who are still my best friends ( not jealous anymore though ) ) and that most of the time, I didn’t realize this was so until after the fact.
I feel more comfortable and at ease with a male.
But Not so much today. In fact, I am trying to branch out and get my feet better suited for female grounds. For I know in my next relationship I will only have female companions. That’s what I want.
So this swings back around to my desire to birth and raise a boy.
I feel like I understand them better. I’m more familiar and attuned to them.
They make more sense to me.
Having a girl actually scared me. I feel that I wouldn’t have been as good of a Mother, had I had a girl. Truly. I feel like I would have had less patience and been more mean.
Now I’ll be okay with having a girl.
I feel very very fortunate to have had the boy I so very much desired.
Thank you egg and sperm and timing and whatever else the heck makes up the sex of a child.
Alright, so 24th didn’t happen. I think I’m 7 days now, outta the month so far? That I haven’t exercised in some form. So, that seems decently decent.
Today I thought I was only going to go out to the garage with my son and do some ab work there. But six steps out the door I was feeling the run. It was warm enough; eventually I had shed my coat and then a sweater.
I did some jogging and side steps and forward knees and then I did the great and first time ever- bended arm head stand. Yeah it wasn’t a full out bent arm stand but I was proud I got into that position. The tree helped.
I did some excellent stretching and some wicked cool dance steps.
Then came inside and had some chocolate milk.
She picked up the leaves in the country and put them in the city and told them to stay.