I just got back from your house. You called me this morning right after church and I was very very surprised. And happy. We’d texted a few texts the day before, but still.
I asked ” Can I see you today..tonight? ”
You were quick to say, ” Yeah, call me when you get home.”
So I did.
And then I was driving over to your house.
We didn’t stop being shoulder to shoulder,hip to hip.
I hardly wear much make up there anymore because I know it’s just going to fall off anyways. I’m always emotional.
I left in tears. I can’t explain it. I’m supposed to be happy. And I am- that we spent that time together. That you wanted it too. I soaked in so much of it. As if I could physically hold you so close that you’d pop right into being my boyfriend again.
I don’t know if I can keep seeing you like this if you haven’t forgiven me or if we are not going to date. I asked you today if you had forgiven me. And you were quiet and said my name. The response was as if you had, but you didn’t say it.
It’s supposed to take time, I know. And I struggle with accepting the fact I just have to hurt until whatever the conclusion is.
I’m running after my heart and I have to be that vulnerability, that ache of unknown, it is paying for my choices- to really feel and know the consequences for my actions.
It’s a way to get better.