Inevitability

The gloss in the sun blinds me golden
while the threads of my voice sew silk.
I am the galaxy I create
and I shuffle stars to extraordinaire
against the backdrop of humanity
to coat in luxury
the inevitability
of my scarf of impurity.

The tender souls of the world I fall for
but with my tools of knitting, I have a net.
I am the safety I own
and I hot glue satellites to my kingdom
as I braid my strands of ability
and breathe a sensibility;
the inevitability
of the common beauty.

 

Let’s Have Determined Fire

I’m tired of being a hermit. I want to live a lot more then this.
The first time being dropped by someone I care about. And that person is now located in my past. A past with a lot of screw ups and mistakes and bad choices.

The only point to living at all is if we take the past and purge it of all the bad and take what is left. All the good and fun and memories and lessons and taking THOSE, and bringing them with us into the present. Into the future.
Allow ourselves the little pricks of sadness and hurt and ache because denial is a dangerous thing. Then tell ourself and believe ourself; that we have a life ahead of us in which we need to join in on.

Mine, it’s like it’s been waiting there for me patiently. I need to catch up to it and say, ” Yo Life, I’m ready to start over!”

This may be a ruthless approach, it’s like I never loved him.
But this is more like, I must do this or I die.
Like a punch through the system.
My strong bold self, the person that was cold of all love. That could get over a breakup so easily because I was the one doing the breaking.

Now, I accept I was beaten down, I got broken up with and the past few months held the darkness of it. For some it may take years to make that darkness have any light.. but I love the sun so eventually I have to bring out the shine of it. I accept that I love him. That I love him the most I’ve ever loved anybody I’ve been with. I accept I screwed up and that I’ve learned so much from this.

I’m just tired of being a hermit and loving someone that doesn’t want to be with me.
This is my agression so that I make it far into the way that has been waiting for me.
I have to push.

 

 

 

The Battle

The silence fills the temples of my brain
so that it roars with the consistency of you.
Your echo reaches into the walls
the ones you navigate so well through
and in them, continue your empire.

Sometimes out into the butterflys of the air
I say,
” You’re dead, you died, you’re gone.”
The power of convincing is a strong weapon
and I have my heart arms around it tightly.

The windows cloud with discontent,
upset at you for making my thoughts
distinct repeats
while
my heart on the other hand
holds hands with yours
and says
” You’re alive, you live, you are here.”

A battle between two things
that are within
two feet of existence of one another,
the head and the heart.
How does one make them best friends?

 

Dangerous Change of Pace

I felt this one coming.
I saw a friend on Thursday last week- knowing I needed that interaction.

The next day I know I needed more. It’s the long weekend after all and there are weddings and my ex is attending one of them and people are doing stuff-doesn’t even have to sound fun but STUFF- and here I am on the Friday and Saturday nights in bed at 930pm with my computer and flavoured water.
So when everyone is busy and I have noone I can find,
I crumple.

I am alone in all of this and if my thoughts are around, they can go absolutely hay wire.
I question myself.

Here is what the inside of my brain has looked like the past 48 hours inbetween the dead pauses of nothingness:

‘ I just want to forget this all ever happened. I want to move on easily. I should be able to do that, I’m pretty, I’m funny, I’m a quirk. There was never any problem of finding anyone before. What if everyone is getting snatched up, and I’m going to be that single 40 year old Mom alone. And doesn’t that mean my intentions are wired all wrong. I just want to be in a healthy functioning relationship and that tweaks everything. My standards drop and anyone that is a decent candidate, I’ll go for. But that’s not how I want to be. I just want to take my time, that’s what I should be doing. Letting time pass and being stable. Well why can’t I be stable. Because I’m stuck in the past relationship. Why should I be stuck? He lied about the things that supposedly  happened. He’s been mean to me and I’ve dropped more than half of my pre existing life for him and that wasn’t enough.I can’t make him believe me anymore. He has to believe me for himself.’

And in those thoughts, anger boils in. I’m guessing this is part of the grieving process and I am timid to feel this because I know I’m pushing it to make it easier and that at the same time I want to not want to not be with him, I know I do. But:

‘ Why should I watch him continue on his life with his giant family surrounding him and supporting him while I am a hermit, feeling sorry for myself. It’s okay to be with people now. You left a lot of people but I think it’s time to find them again. If only for a boost back into the world. You’ve hesitated to do this.. ‘

because you thought, ‘ I can’t step back into those old ways with other people, it’s alright to take some time away.I  need to be happy with myself first. The way I used people before, was wrong.’

But GIRL:

‘I don’t have to go about them the same way do I. I can be upfront and tell them my intentions. I don’t have to be 20 years old again. I’m 7 years older and I won’t do it the same way. It CAN be done differently you know! ‘

I love myself and am happy with myself but I need to get out there and feel that validation. I am vulnerable and weak and I don’t see any other way. I’ve tried other ways as it is. No drinking, church, reading, exercise..
I need that healthy attention and that is perfectly normal and I shouldn’t stop myself from getting it just because I’m waiting on my ex. I need to feel better. I need to get into a better position.
And if that means putting my foot out there into familiarity with a twist, I have to do it even if I don’t want to do it. I’m still hooked on him remember? I may feel wrong for doing it because of him, but I have to do it for me.

‘ You turned away from this method because it wasnt fair to him and because you didn’t want to slip into the previous ways it was before him.’ 

‘ But… you don’t have to make it the same way!! Those people have changed too and will view the friendship differently!’

Desperative thoughts calls for measure I am unsure of. I won’t know until I try.
I need to get out of this rut big time or I’m going to sink in it.

 

 

 

 

 

And then the boat of my brain thinks….

 

 

‘ What if I got back together with my ex in Thailand?? ‘

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh faackaloo.

 

 

 

 

Belly Up

I spend 4 hours straight
curving through Youtube videos
because I do not want to press stop
too afraid to run around my own mind track

in bed
in silence
in darkness.

I think so much these days
it hurts the head of my house
I walk, like most of you do
into Movies, Romances and Make Upped people world,
Life that doesn’t really exist like that
only mere ideas formed to make
what we see on screen.

We escape there, letting our emotions attatch to those
characters,
and we let go of our own reality
if only for a little while.

I am afraid of my own thoughts
and days like these
it turns me belly up.

 

 

My Thoughts, They’re Gone!

I come home from a day of post idea after post ideas that continued to litter my brain floor  throughout the hours of the sunlight and when I sit down to write with tea, pyjamas and cozy wrapped around, I cannot find them. They are gone. As if a swifter or one of those automatic alien vacuumn machines buzzed around and sucked them up.
What’s that all about Braino!?

 

Why Am I Lively Life?

It occured to me tonight while reading over the italicized name of  Lively Life.

When I think of those words together I think of someone who is out of the house until three minutes before it is time to sleep.  Being around people, going to events, having a schedule that means pen in a full calender and and and.. just so not of what my life is like right now.

Maybe it is what I slightly aspire to have with mine. To have those busy weeks, impressing everyone with my sanity and ability to have it altogether in such seemingly so chaos. Being on time for everything. To be that exertion of happiness and energy, coffee in hand- even if just for the looks- dressed well, slim, and genuinly giving off the impression that life is enjoyed.
I don’t drink coffee for the looks. I drink it because with it in my system, I’m less cranky.
( At least that’s what I tell myself )
My calender is so blank that the only things I have on it are the days I’ve had my period, the 5th anniversary of a local restaurant and my work hours.
Well dressed- okay, I’ll admit I’m actually impressed with how far I’ve come in the last year. ( I remember moving back from abroad and being entirely befuddled with what style I wanted to get into. But that’s a post for another time ) I’m not the suit pants, blazers and blouses everyday wearer, but I can put together clothing pieces that resemble a sense of togetherness rather decently.

I do want a fast paced life. I am convinced I can handle it even though I haven’t had one since I was 19 and that didn’t involve a child. Yeah, I’ll have my days of complaint but overall, I think it’ll suit me.

When I changed my ‘name’ to LL from the previous one, I am certain that my reason for it ( the name, not the change ) was a mixture of two things.Merely me subconsciously digging back into those years when I WAS the outgoing, lifes a breeze and I’ve a handle on things.

and

recognition that my life isn’t boring right now, but that in me is ingrained the lively.  I am the part that makes it so.

I am the Lively.