Backing Up

Sometimes it takes backing up into a vulnerable, helpless state to bring you down from the stable and comforting road you were walking down.
It takes those moments of confusion and desire to make the walk a more determined action. It doesn’t peter out, it crashes to a halt and then you’re ready and eager to boldly move forward. Again.

I don’t know what happens if those down moments don’t happen. Do you still walk on the healthy road? Or does it become more difficult after a period of time. Maybe it becomes easier.

What I do know is that the fall to vulnerable becomes further. When I choose to enter that mix of emotion, to indulge in the raw intensity of a connection, my stability determines the length of the fall. Today I fell with enough precision and hurt I thought, there’s no way I can do this again. It hurts too much. It’s the tears bursting out of my eyes uncontrollably, it’s the shake of my body I can’t help. The involuntary action of incredible feelings.

I don’t deserve the fall. I can stand up for myself. I’ve got to if I’m going to make anything of me.

Because when these encounters end- because they will- and I’ve given in every time, I’m the loser.I’m the one that thought it would make a difference for the better.
But like this, it can’t. It won’t.
And we both know that.

9 comments on “Backing Up

  1. Hang in there. You are not alone–either in the sense of this being a unique experience or in not having people out there to support you.

    We make mistakes–it’s part of being human. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes they REALLY hurt. I know it’s cliché, but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You will learn from this experience and it’s related pain, and come out of it stronger, and less likely to slip next time.

    We’re here for you.

  2. Evie says:


  3. amazing post, amazing

  4. gapawa says:

    Where is your background picture taken?

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