Sometimes it takes backing up into a vulnerable, helpless state to bring you down from the stable and comforting road you were walking down.
It takes those moments of confusion and desire to make the walk a more determined action. It doesn’t peter out, it crashes to a halt and then you’re ready and eager to boldly move forward. Again.
I don’t know what happens if those down moments don’t happen. Do you still walk on the healthy road? Or does it become more difficult after a period of time. Maybe it becomes easier.
What I do know is that the fall to vulnerable becomes further. When I choose to enter that mix of emotion, to indulge in the raw intensity of a connection, my stability determines the length of the fall. Today I fell with enough precision and hurt I thought, there’s no way I can do this again. It hurts too much. It’s the tears bursting out of my eyes uncontrollably, it’s the shake of my body I can’t help. The involuntary action of incredible feelings.
I don’t deserve the fall. I can stand up for myself. I’ve got to if I’m going to make anything of me.
Because when these encounters end- because they will- and I’ve given in every time, I’m the loser.I’m the one that thought it would make a difference for the better.
But like this, it can’t. It won’t.
And we both know that.