‘ I love you a lot more than you think.
And you think a lot. ‘
Do you ever feel it riddling through your system, coming out of your eyes and making your feet 10 pound weights and appetite absent and you feel, feel, feel GOOD about it?
That your body reacting and your heart pumping and brain feeling and making it the way that it is in your self, is a way of telling your soul that you fricking care?
And because you feel what your body is feeling, it tells you that you have a heart and it matters and cares and believes and LOVES?
Emotions are perfect for your small frame,
no matter how heavy they make you feel.
They pluck all your enzymes and cells and bacteria
and load on the pulse, the breath,the actuality
And it’s beautiful. Absoulutely beautiful.
I have to make some concrete decision and stick with it even though I want to do otherwise.
Choosing to do something simply because I want to do it reguardless of the damaging affects is something maybe I’ll always be working on. I do have a bolt of forward motion. I’m on that current.
I am continually reminded of my standards. I know I’m beating around the corners and this isn’t written well, but I’m just going to press publish.
I think sometimes we forget that we actually have to learn stuff.
No. We have to learn behaviours, methods and techniques.We go through trial and error and gain knowledge by failure.
All of THAT, all of the above, takes TIME. It’s called Experience and sometimes it takes 4 of the same mistakes to get it right.
And thats okay.
As long as we are always trying to improve, we can’t be so hard on ourselves or each other. If we don’t embrace the times we mess up, we end up carrying around a whackload of weight that we haven’t learned anything from.
And what good are tomatoe seeds in our pocket, if we don’t know how to put them in the earth and grow them.
What good is weight, when we have the ability to soar.
You make me feel so broken,
so damaged, defeated and hurt.
You make me feel that I am noone that matters
that me living makes no sense
that I am nothing but empty.
I don’t need that.
You make me feel so amazing,
so loved, beautiful, and incredible.
You make me feel that I matter on this earth
that I am valued,
That I am needed.
But I don’t need that.
I don’t need it because
I am my own power,
my own truth.
I believe in me to do better than I have ever done.
I can be appreciated, loved and trusted
without being chastised for my past.
I can be those things
and not just feel those things.
I can be the factory that I am
and I can make all of those things
I am standing on a solid
I didn’t have mere months ago.
I was swallowing the booze everyday
and wanted little to do with life
I am here.
I am feeling sure of many things
I felt no such thing 5 weeks ago.
I was wishing death was easier
and was angry because I couldn’t do it
I am here.
I am here where I watch the flower fluffs float in the sun down by the creek.
Everything seems to have a beauty.
There is a peace I’ve found just in pushing forward.
I wasn’t expecting this.
But this must be why I kept going.
I believe in me and my ability to love the changes I’m undertaking. I don’t know exactly where this came from. To let go of all the mistakes I’ve made and to release myself of guilt. To know that I don’t need to carry it around. I actually don’t. And if anyone in my past wants to hold things against me, to not even give me a chance to shine in spite of my bad choices, then I do not need them in my life.
I will live better without them.
I am here
and the love for MY life is greater because of it.
Colour my skin with a sorcery of heights.
Bring my soul to a temperature I cannot resist.
Be the bite marks around my neck
and the wisdom I crave to kiss.
I am the tender, the sweet, the luring,
the butterfly wings that bend reassuring
I’ll give you my all
the honey crisp too
oh these things,
if only you knew.
You have today, to start at the beginning.
you can start everyday like it’s the first one of your life.
you can eat a basket of french fries yesterday and the next day
you choose to eat broccoli and celery
and each bad choice you make
you power it up with a good one
and life suddenly becomes easier to handle.