It Didn’t Last

It was four days boy. Four days after our weekend together and serious decision to stop contact. ( Again. ) And it’s always you. Calling first. Texting first. I’m not complaining about this fact, it’s flattering, hopeful, and happity, and perhaps all of those..unhealthy. Sigh..

I went away for a week in that time because I wanted to be far from you and near newness so that my mind would be on other things. But that’s when you called.

I wrote the dang email but you said although it was all nice to hear, it was vague.
And I knew that. It was all things you had heard before, I was just too chicken to write the inner more detailed stuff..of stuff about you. And us. And worry about you hacking me and those divulgences up, is why I did not. You can really cut up anything I give you. That’s true. And you have a habit of breaking my words down versus accepting them and being proactive, current and honestly… adult about it.

When I think about getting more vulnerable and putting myself out there. I cringe alittle. I’m not usually so ( a lot of us are not? ) and I’ve already placed myself in so many uncomfortable and heart on sleeve positions with you- more than I have in all my relationships put together. And I can feel happy that you still miss me and I can believe you’re coming to terms with the fact that you don’t want to be without me- but it makes me ache. You find me in this place where I’m doing a decent job at being strong alone but with the desire to really make you see and believe me. I hate the heavy lovey dovey texts I send to you that presents me with six hours of uneasy stomach and wanting to be swallowed up by tree branches and wishing I didn’t press send, yet I do it again and again and again. Much less than I was, but I still shell out seashells that taste awful in my own mouth. I fold so easily for you. And it bothers me!

We talked every night I was away. Which was totally counterproductive but I wanted you to know I wasn’t out partying- that being out of town meant I wasn’t making new friends or moving on.. I was thinking of you and you knew it. And I know it made you happy.

Anyhow, now this weekend has arrived and I will save the continuational story for another post. We are surely in the crevices of absurdity and normal. We are a million in a million relationships like this, yet this one is our own and this is turning us even more into our own. Just like it’s supposed to.







6 comments on “It Didn’t Last

  1. Virtually hugs to you and hope you are okay. 🙂

  2. coastalmom says:

    Wow. I clicked on this from another more recent post and I absolutely loved this. I kind of had the same parallel relationship in my youth and then absurdly allowed the same chaos back into my life again several years ago through good ole facebook. I guess because I needed closure and all those stupid excuses. Decades later, lifetimes in-between. He still got me!!!! Go figure. I think these excerpts would make a great book. Of course this is just the first one I’ve read. Not sure if you have a happy ending or an ending or it’s an ongoing thing… But I’m intrigued.
    My thought on the subject, is our experiences (hell) can help others if just to not feel so alone. NO one could have told me what to do, either time for that matter. But I might have done it sooner if I’d known. Anyway, I had to say I loved this. Not because of the pain but the writing!

    • Lively Life says:

      So you allowed it back in to, huh! Hm. And you said no one could have told you to do otherwise. both times! Isn’t that so nutty! I very much appreciate your words and it opens the doors abit wider to reality outside my bubble of it. And the actual potentialness of things that could happen. Based on your experience, you have answers.

      Do you think that most times people that use other peoples experiences for their decisions, live wondering what it would have been like if they had of chosen what they ‘wanted’ at the time? Would they regret not just giving it a chance? Or do you think the percentage of people breathing a sigh of relief and saying ‘ phew, glad I didn’t go that route-it surelyl would have ended up like such and such way’.. ? I know that may be difficult to answer and maybe it is 50/50. I’m curious what you think !

      And thank you so much Di, for reading adn commenting and investing time into my story. It means a lot that you have and I feel more love surrounding myself ! Thank you dear!

      • coastalmom says:

        You and I are sooo much alike, aside from a few decades! Lol.
        He and I both said we when we first reconnected, how we’d wished we hadn’t listened to the “adults” in our lives (remembering we were adults now, discussing the “what ifs”) and six years later, to answer your question, the adults with the experience KNEW what they were talking about, and were right. We just weren’t meant to be.

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