What the Loopin’ Fruit

I am so confused.
And it all makes sense.
Then I am confused,
because I am not.

I swear, 20 minutes after I posted The End. you CALLED.
And you were on your way OVER.
You asked if it was okay.
I am startled, dreaming, sleeping, AWAKE
I say yes.

I feel defeated but so happy to hold you. I feel lost, but so center to me.
I’m embarressed to write this post, but I’m unfolding my life.
I don’t even know what all to feel. How long do I keep this up?
When will you let go of me and I let go of you? Is it a when or an if we do?

My heart still wants you and my head is trying to be smart.
You make it easy for my heart to win and I know this because my heart isn’t trying. 

Wrenched in two directions once again, and each time I try and see something different. The pain is a bit less, the drive to be better a bit more, the ridiculousness absurdified ten fold.

 

It is so so so difficult to say no to you, to us.

 

 

 

15 comments on “What the Loopin’ Fruit

  1. Morgan says:

    The heart wants what it wants no matter what it is. Sometimes you just have to figure out what is best for you. Your happiness and security is important. Blessings and hugs to you

    • Lively Life says:

      thank you for a thoughtful comment. so do you think even if my heart wants something, it may not be the best thing for me? that it would be the mind telling me. and is that why balance between the two is so difficult to find!?

      • Morgan says:

        Honestly If it feels Right and it is where you are the most content, at peace with the choice you’ve made and your heart really wants it than it is good for you. Do what makes you happy and what is best for your happiness

  2. calexandra says:

    Wow, great post. The question and decision of when or if is a hard one. Love reading your writings 🙂

  3. Dreamer says:

    Heart vs head… Such a difficult choice. Wishing you strength

  4. A. says:

    Gee, you weren’t kidding about being in a similar situation! I see me in this. It’s hard, it’s rough. I caved back in the other day. I’m only realising now as I talk to other men, how well I can actually get on with someone and how much more compatible I can be with a person. Which in turn makes me realise what I keep going back to is purely because I want to be comfortable. But hey, I might cave again so I should shut up.. I like following your journey, I hope if something “better” doesn’t come along soon, that you can find happiness by yourself while you wait for it.

    • Lively Life says:

      Hey, Thanks A. Yeah, the comfort thing is a good point. I’ve not been afraid of newness in relatinoships, and its easy to find them exciting- youwould know this well 😛 thanks for your hope. i thnk ive done pretty good creating happy mmyself. i get down here an there. i just long for a stable relationship. and witih this one preferably. 😉

    • Lively Life says:

      So it’s interesting. you like your newness. as if each is a challange and you bust thru it mindlessly each time. but you still want that security too with your comfort guy mr blue. he knows you a bit better and you have a bigger room with bigger windows to explore and even get into crevices that the newness guys don’t neceassiarly get too. how do ya feel about your caving in? do you feel sucky about it or dont really care? i like that you’re doing productive things with your alone time. its cool you like yourself enough to hang out with yourself. tons of people don’t take time to do so. tells me your a strong character ms. a. Hah. go you and go me. Weeeee!!!

  5. coastalmom says:

    You commented on my post today and now I am here in your archives feeling as if I am running backwards through your doors that I ran through decades ago!!!
    LOL… I promise I’m not a creeper. But reading this post I wanted to yell….”NOOOOO!! This way!!! Don’t go back!!!” Maybe I was supposed to find this after you went through it. I don’t even know if you are still together or will ever come back here to read this but just feel the need to tell you that if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, it doesn’t get better. Unless maybe you go to an amazing counselor. But just remember:
    You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with his actions and who makes you always feel as if you need to keep explaining yourself when he is never going to see anything remotely from your perspective. And that loving someone is not supposed to feel like returning from war with battle scars and post traumatic stress syndrome! Who hurts you and then turns it around and makes it seemed like you hurt him. The saying: You stabbed me a thousand times and then acted as if you were the one bleeding. Comes to mind here!
    My life lesson is: I will give you more chances than you deserve but once I’m done, I’m DONE!
    And really mean it.
    Believe it or not in my case, breaking up happened when there were not even message machines yet. If I missed a phone call and no one answered to take a message, I missed the phone call. Now days with social media and texting and cell phones and emails, it is so much harder to break up. Whatever happened after this…. I pray you realized you are worth being loved by someone who values everything about you. Flaws and all and you have no doubt that you are number one and there is no game playing. Something to figure out before you have kids etc! You really do have the golden ticket before you are married and have kids cuz you still have a choice.Atter it is a lot harder.The one good thing about this… was a taught my daughter to run like the wind, the first sign of a seeing a guy with a temper. She waited a long time before she found her amazing guy. He treats her like gold and they are best friends and are just celebrating their one year wedding anniversary this month. I wish the same for you. Just don’t settle for less!
    xoxo
    di

    • Lively Life says:

      Just replying here, because I dont know if i did it right the first time. So theres another response of mine connected to this comment of yours. Also I meant to say congrats on your daughter and your son in laws first wedding anniversary! That’s exciting!

      • coastalmom says:

        You did it right! I’m so happy I didn’t come across as a creeper. Lol. I just related so much with some of your posts. I’m glad you received my comments in the spirit I meant them! ❤️

  6. Lively Life says:

    I think my heart kinda shed some tears at this one. Joyful, lovey ones mixed with doses of sad.
    Isn’t it so human of us to know certain things and yet, our feelings and sometimes our actions don’t follow that!?
    Your words are very clear and precise and really amazing to read. I know theres speckles of me that have wandered through these thoughts before. And I can even can reach the point of being concrete and making sense and believing this to the total core. But dang, sometimes the heart ain’t’ connected to the brain so much.

    To get you up to date, we haven’t spoken in 3 months ( besides the other day when I left him a voicemail wishing him a happy birthday ). I do still care for him. I’m not sure how he feels about me anymore. I’ve never had to let go of someone before. And i guess it’s supposed to take pretty long? Here I am thinking a month or two, i should be fine and dandy! but no!

    See, he does believe his actions aren’t right. He doesn’t like himself for them. He didn’t like how he made me feel. He wished he could just skip past all that and have us be good. We did end up going to see a counsellor a few times and only stopped because he went away for work. It felt like it was working.. but i also knew the road ahead was gonna be about as long as never ending..
    so i go back and forth between whether or not i can handle that or not.

    I liked the stabbed and bleeding quote. It makes a whole bunch of sense. I wronged him so badly that it’s the vision, no matter how many times he hurts me.
    Overall, your words are comforting. They’re like mirrors into somewhere very clear, maybe somewhat a little painful because coming to terms with something that I still don’t yet want to… lol.. I have to want to come to terms with it, right?
    And i think an easier way to do that is to find out if he wants to try again.
    i know.. you say don’t run back.. lol. i think this is something i would be left wondering, ‘ what if he did want to get back together?’ years later.
    I think i’m stuck on the fact that he isn’t a bad person. that he did love me. and that i just really screwed him up.. on to respond to more of your comments!

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