You called at 1220am and were slightly drunk and you slathered us in hope and told me to email you words the next few days.

This will be a ssignificant email that i write to you.

I want to include so much yet i Know there is clever and wording and detail and focus that must be carefully exécuted in order to get the best result.

 

 

 

 

It Tasted Like My Own Medicine

War in a bottle,
went down my throat last night
as I snacked on stars and waited for Dawn.

She approached me with fine colour
we were fine for a minute or two
and I’m sure all I saw was beauty
but I closed my eyes after awhile,
afraid I’d seen too much.

The drops stung when they hit my lungs
and I knew it was a good thing
I swallowed
my denial, avoidance and dishonesty
and when I swallowed
there was one thing more then just Dawn and I.

 

 

 

There was Peace.

 

 

 

 

It Must Mean Love

This afternoon I had a very functioning thought:

‘ It’s not going to happen, we’re not going to be together until the day I drive by your house and I see you sitting outside.

Then, depending on how much one another wants it to happen, I will drive by your house according to that, and you will sit outside according to that. ‘

 

And then outside of this thought I think, ‘

Well then we would be driving and sitting in those spots as often as we could.’

 

 

You Can Do It To

There is a lot of things we are able to pull aside into our minds and contemplate. To just sit in a room with the thoughts and think and think and think about .
I’ve went through phases where I’d stop and write a physical note down about my specific thought and come back at the end of the day to a page of ridiculous uncorrelated thoughts..and make something really grand with them all.
Those thoughts can be actual occurances. They stem from some truth. And I pride myself on making everyday occurances colourful and beautiful. They are usually simple too. I like to be fun in my head. To laugh at the small things and feel myself getting lighter and looser just because of it . If I am able to create wondrousity from simplicity without overturning the reality, I think that’s rad. If I am able to do all that and skew reality a bit and KNOW that I am, I think that’s radical too. I don’t want to create heavy out of what I can make light of. What’s the use of baggage when we’ve got aerosol cans.

 

 

 

The Struggle of Changing Yourself

If I could attach a phrase to the last four months of my life. It would be that of this post title.

I can feel on par, in line, mentally stable, eating the best carrots and drinking the most water one day and the next, I’m staying up late watching mindless YouTube videos and adding cinnamon sugar and chocolate chips to my popcorn.

I’ve learned one thing in the past few weeks and I can feel it has embedded itself into my system and that it will slowly grow and become bigger. It will be more of me as time goes on because I will choose for it consciously.

Even if I don’t exercise for three days, even if I falter at healthiness for a little bit of time, whether it be emotionally or mentally, I can MAKE IT a PART of my healthiness by starting again. I have done that enough times in the past month that I know that it works. That the term ‘starting again’ is merely ‘ continuing on in the right direction’. I feel happier because I’ve pushed through my lazy, wanna crumple into a heap of skin and blankets moments, and felt better again.

That’s a life lesson.

You’re going to fall down and your mind is going to feel upside down and your going to think your hearts’ contents will feel better off flattened and left for dead in the street. You will get into ruts, heck, you’ll even make them yourself, but you don’t have to make them deep. 
You will make your own ( when you look back on it ) distinguishable pace. Whether it’s 9 steps forward and 10 back, or forward 10 and 1 back. You have the capability to set that.

And that’s pretty darn amazing.

 

Self improvement is an infinity mile journey. How do you expect to make a dent of good if you continiously wallow in your minds negative thoughts that YOU are not only choosing to hold on to, but are making in the first place.
Get the struggle of  bettering you under control so that you can admit, be aware, fight for and admire, the you that you are forever becoming. 

 

 

 

 

This is What I Give You

We spent more consecutive and planned time together these past three days than we have in five months.

And it’s because we knew the rest of the gift was coming.

We were dating-past free- for the weekend.
Dinner and desserts and movie and conversations about everynothings- all the things we know our hearts ache to have from one another. We gave in to simplicity and let ourselves forget our mess.

We let ourselves get good and deep and lost.

 

 

I’m not giving up,
I’m just tired of words that don’t carry any meaning and tired of actions that are only giving way to the us in the past.

 

 

My gift is my love.

 
And I’m choosing time apart.

 

 

We’re to focus on getting better individually.

 

 

 

To a Better You,

 

 

A Better Me.
And perhaps,
a Better Us.

 

 

 

The Reaction to Truth

No wonder people say, ” I’ll be there in 10 minutes!” when they really know it’s more like 20. No wonder we curve the truth just a tiny tad bit so that the other beams at the response. It’s easy to. It feels a heck of a whole lot better then saying the truth and getting a reaction that makes them-and then yourself- disappointed.
No wonder people opt to say nothing, instead of the truth.

We have gotten worse at handling the truth and so we’ve got better at lying.
We’re kind of like babies. We’re a lot more sensitive then we were, can’t cope as well as we once did and when Parent says, ” Please put your shirt and shoes on “, we scream a lot louder.

Pleasing people. A lot of us do it. And it’s no wonder.
Being defeated by our own choice of vulnerable exposure is tiring. Draining. And hurts.

I suggest we watch for the reactions that will hinder peoples’ openness. When we react agressively or with silence, we’re only doing no one a favour. Appreciating and vocalising value for the choice of telling makes it easier for that person to tell you more things. In turn it makes for a closer, stronger relationship.

 

Swerving into Happy

I’m actually kind of sad right now.
Actually no.
I’m really sad.
So I’m gonna bring myself up by typing out this lovely posty for me!
for you!
for your diaper wearing toddlers and the people that surround you daily. Okay-so maybe they’re the same thing..but za point is, your happiness affects all the zones in your life!

It makes perfect sense to me! Life does. I believe it does and because I believe that and understand that I will falter in that belief occasionally, it makes it all easier.

Today I started wondering why I feel like I’m still 20. I’ve felt 20 for six years now. Whatzupwifdat.

Welp folks, my conclusion today.. it’s not that I can put on nailpolish any better-because I for the life of the cat I don’t have, can’t- it’s likely because I’m making the same darn tootin’ poor decisions!
For gorsh sakes!

I’m all for being young and pouncy and giving heart a wide berth of understanding to all ages, but some of the decisions you consistently made when you were younger shouldn’t be ones pattering up your adult years.
They have a much bigger impact and long lasting affects. And likely to more than just you.  We’re kinda supposed to be more responsible now, right?

I guess this morning I just gots to tinking of all dis and got down on myself.
But yuh know what, writing this post has been like rain to the dry flowers.
If being so postive in any ridiculous sucky life situation makes me laugh, I think I’ll do that.
As long as my learning will be.

My 3 Year Old Has Said These Things

To an over easy egg sandwich. ” Yellow, stay in there!”

“How does the sun breathe? “

” Why is my arm attatched to me?”

Me- ” I’m going to go to the doctors and he’s going to take this freckle off.”
” Then he will put back on a new one?”

Me- ” I’m going to lay here to get brown from the sun. “
” But the sun is not brown. “

Me- ” That fish has lost one eye!”
” He can find it?”

” Mayme if we put tomatoe soup on this plant, it will grow a tomatoe!”
( Days later, it totally did ( Go Mom! )and he didn’t touch it- afraid it was going to break )

” Can butterflies talk? ‘Cause I don’t hear their voices’.

He sees the blood in the toilet from my period and asks, ” Momma, is your heart broken?”

 

Soup Can Can Be Souper

I swing a love clinic from the rights of my fingers,
and dance along on the merry tune I whisper
Did you know
I can free a soup can from it’s first purpose
and dangle upside down with one to my ear.
I can run from skinny dogs after almost being held down
and hop on a shampoo commercial riding a motorbike.

I’ll tell you every now and then that this is the circus
and the movies
and the stage that we stand on
where we get parts and roles for;

but really we’re just being hilarious.
We’re the gut of the century!

Calm and cope and deal and soap
that’s the scoop, the scale, the scope!