I hate you, I love you 2016

At first thought I’d just like to rip 2016 off my leg like a badly designed mole or freckle. Or like my sons car, drop it into the tub and watch it drown. Or you know, possibly tie it to a train track, throw it off a bridge or bury it next to the core of the earth.

But then I have second thoughts and realize how irrational I’m being.
My sons car has no breath to drown, a train crash and a bridge throw just means pieces of stuff strewn about and the core of the earth burial just means meltage into the soil and new growth.

My point is,
2016 you sucked. You sucked the wind outta my engine sails. You beat me till I near fell off the step ladder at work and was deemed by my family, unsafe to drive. You forced truths, activities and confrontations.
You intervened violently, cutting off air supply to a creation I had chosen to live with ( and feed )  for years. We only know what we know and 2016,  at first you were ugly and battling against me. You were not what I was familiar with,  I knew nothing about you and you scared me.

But 2016,
I love you.
There was a time you were my enemy and I couldn’t imagine feeling this.
You may have sucked a lot out of me but I see now, it was the bad stuff – And in it’s place, You blew a difference into me that I’m excited to show your relative, 2017.
You changed me bigtime 2016. Not like the ancestry of your fore fathers or mamas or siblings. Man, you got me.

Thank you for being the best bad of my life so far. For putting up with my constant wish to cancel the orders I never made for you. For dealing with my stubborn and slow acceptance, my resistance and denial.
I respect you for what you’ve taught myself and I will forever be more appreciative of hardships.

May I make me and 2017 proud!



I’m a Hamster

I’ve the whiskers of sensitivity sticking out of feel goods.
If there’s crumbs in between some, well I don’t mind; kinda makes me giggle.
Sometimes being on a hamster wheel is better then the London Eye or one at a carnival.
I ingrain behavior and modules into my hamster head on this wheel. Gotta make things more deep then surface and running through them over and over again puts my hearts blood in the right place.

Preparation for life off the life wheel.  There will be introductions to old situations. For when the content of depth has changed, so does the ability too choose differently. And that’s what makes me a wheely focused hamster.


Gratitude Comes in This Form

Driving along with music notes dancing inside the car pretty loudly, I begin to recognize an extra beat to the song. And it’s an off beat at that. Hm. This song did not have this badoo whop, badoo whop sound last time I heard it. I slowed down for a red light and felt my car shift it’s weight from side to side like an uncomfortable person right before an audition. Well, I didn’t know my car could DANCE either.

As I continued to slow, I turned the volume down on my song. Stopping at a busy intersection requires a great deal of concentration sometimes.

That’s when it clicked in. My left front tire had felt left out from all the hustle and bustle of holiday and didn’t care to actually be a tire anymore. I quickly changed lanes, turned left at the corner and parked.

Yep, it was about as low as my income in the year I didn’t work.

Upon calling my dad and setting up shop for what I knew would be a 45 minute wait, THREE individuals stopped in that time to see if they could help.  I was wearing large sunglasses, a toque and my head was buried in a novel I had ripped out from under my passenger seat. So even though they were all male, ( because what females stop for broken down cars anyways) they couldn’t have known I was a pretty human being with Christmas makeup and sparkling nail polish on.

One man stayed and did his best to pump the tire with air, and we even went to his house once my Pops showed up, where he helped change the darn thing with all his awesome tools.

So. My heart felt full of thankfulness and appreciation and I float on in admiration of human kind. In the days where I’ll whisper expletives under my breath at car cuts or customers, I’ll remember that somewhere out there, a human is helping another human get a car fixed.

All just because that’s what humans can do.






Dangerous Haze

Your eyes carried a drunken love haze, so saturated in modesty and certainty.

If belief would grow trees, there’d be a forest in my front yard.
Because everything is believable about you
even when it isn’t.
By putting faith and trust into you, I remove my dictation and place vulnerability.

It may not be drunken, but it’s a love haze too.
And that makes us dangerous.


These in a Box

It is.
Restless and Patience propped up in a box that has those cardboard walls
that get drawn on in the night with magic markers and a new box of crayons that at the end of the session are half broke and laying in an ocean of crayon dust.

I will.
Keep on turning my Feelings into Being.
Realistic and Sensible and sometimes hold back my inappropriate.
For even though I know there is a time where inappropriate turns into appropriate , the time isn’t now. And I have to respect that. And I want to too.

Even if Patience and Restlessness battle on and off in their box.
That’s the way it is.
For right now.

Changing the Basis of our Decisions

I have lived my whole life making decisions based solely on two things.
Feelings and
What I want.

And frankly,
it won’t surprise me if you’ve done the same thing.

It is a terrible backing for a life frame.
You know why ?

Because feelings change and what we want isn’t always the best for us.
Because we won’t stay married if we are always choosing with our feelings.
Because we continue to want even after getting what we wanted.

We will never be satisfied if we choose with these two things as our main reasons.

Feelings are important and need to be validated.  This is for certain. But we don’t need to act on them to do this.Heck, who knows where we would all be if we acted on every single feeling we had.

Which brings me to my next fact: There ARE some behavioral limits we have set without even knowing. We ARE capable of not acting on our feelings.

So why then, must we continually put feelings and wants at the forefront of our decision making?

  •  It’s the easiest. We don’t have to think about why; it’s enough just to know we feel this certain way.
  •  Less stressful.
  •  It’s usually justified. We place so much importance on our feelings that NOT following them feels wrong.
  •  It makes the most sense to us.

A few things happen when we choose like this.

  • A bad habit forms.
    It becomes that other peoples feelings start to matter less. Our first instinct isn’t to think about how it will make the other person feel or to think of what they would want.
  • We become selfish and self absorbed and guess what. We don’t even know it because we’re going off our feelings and our feelings aren’t..ever wrong. People in our lives will eventually recognize the pattern;that their happiness comes below ours. Every Single Time.

Another problem when we choose based on feelings:

  • We expect them to stay the same.
    But that’s just the thing. Feelings DO change.
    I believe there’s this misconception in relationships that yes, we’re aware there’s going to be tough times ahead, but that we’ll still feel love for them or care for them in those times. When in reality, you won’t. That’s when choosing to love your partner regardless of how you FEEL at that time, is such an important, conscious decision to make. 
  •  Unresolved issue. It’s not an easy task and it’s why so many of us opt for the feeling route. If we feel upset, directly correlated to that feeling is the desire to remove ourselves from the situation. Often times, this just dormants the problem and eventually, another similar episode will bring it to the surface.

We need to assess how we are making the majority of our decisions. And if a lot of them are founded on feelings and desires, to rewire that.

Into logic or common sense. To practicality or rational. For the consideration of others. For long-term prospects or security.

Once we start the shift, it will get easier.




Stop Looking For Yourself

I don’t fully understand the whole finding out who we are thing.
We have opinions and morals, we have our perspectives and positions, our perception and our values.
all those are capable of changing.

A 25 year age difference between partners is incredibly wrong to me.
Then I
live in a city where relationships like that are seen everyday.
At first it is weird, uncomfortable and even embarrassing.
In time,
I understand it and it becomes less wrong and more of just the way that it is and eventually, I am happy that I’m an individual that knows it exists.
Moral grounding for that, no matter how ingrained it was in my childhood, evaporates.

And I am then, one idea different.

You see,
we don’t need to go looking for ourselves.

We’re made up of time and experience. Of people, places and animals. Interactions and poor choices and good choices and feelings and learning.

We can have ideas, recognize patterns in our behavior and know our skills and comfort zones. We can know our boundaries, the foods that taste the best in our mouth and the colour that dazzles the greatest in our eyes.

But when you think you’ve found yourself, you’ll just find that there’s more to find. You aren’t a solid .
We just use that idea of finding ourselves because it’s less scary then admitting we’re all just lumps of experience.

And what is life but experience after experience.

So embrace that and kinda just let yourself be a fun, malleable heart beat.
Resisting life is the worsty thing you can do when all it needs you to do, is be.

And how do you be?


You be well, by meaning well.




Please Don’t be Partial

If you are in my life,  I am tired of you being in it partial
I was in that way with you, for a while
and it was never what I wanted.
I didn’t know how to get out.

Ever since I started learning about knowing how,
I’ve reached the surface a few dozen times
not struggling to stay a float
not being strong enough to fight through the undertows-
my habitual current.

I make progress
and want you in fully
to support
and help me when I fall down

Maybe it’s because you are still learning about knowing how to be here at all.

Because who the fook knows how you’re still here;
but if you’re gonna be here
please don’t be partial.