Older Men

I wanted to get out of the house, so I went into town.
Drove slowly through the neighbourhood,  went to a park and son had some food at a restaurant.Walking out- I see coming in,  a father whose twin boys go to my sons school.

Four minutes later I am walking down the street holding a glass vase with a rose inside of it all wrapped up in paper and an unopened envelope addressed to me.

” Just because. because I’m going to miss seeing ya each week at school, ” he had said.

It does make me feel good about myself.
It takes me back to the memory of the older men that wanted to be with me while I was in Thailand.
The 52 year old Australian who bought me my first Iphone just because. Well, he wanted me to stick around of course..
he wanted me to come back and live with him. To be Mommy to his two boys who were had via surrogate. He was incredibly wealthy.
I am not bragging, I am stating facts.
I have been low the past few days and these facts lift my heart up a bit. In an odd and guilty way.

It makes me think of the 48 year old who comes reguarly into the store I work at and has told my co-worker he’d like to date me.

It makes me think that I’m worth something.
And it bothers me that I rarely see this for myself. I do not look for it out there, but I don’t see it unless it comes in this form.

How do I fix this.

 

 

Being Alone With Me

I keep to myself a lot these days. My life consists of my son, work , cooking and wordpress. Seriously.

There’s a few whatchamakallits that make this all nutty.

 

It is the first time in 14 years I have been this way with me.
Seriously.
The first time I am taking this amount of time and in this productive way- putting the pieces into place.

Yes, I lived without any English/same mentality friends. But I had so much access to them, they were taking up just as much time.

So here I am in a very still spot in my life.
I feel brave and proud of myself.
I would be lying if I told you I had no fear. Slivers of that do poke me.
I know eventually I will want to stretch my newfound wings and fly. I just don’t want to be dissapointed when that time comes. I don’t know what I am setting myself up for.
But I sure as heck know it ain’t failure.
So here’s to more days of working on these here wings o’ mine.

When I lift them to the skies, oh look out,
I’m gonna be the best brilliant me I’ve ever thought to create.

 

Miss and Individuality

I’ve been in Canada a year and a half now. After living in Thailand for five years.
I can tell you that I do not miss the place too much. I have pangs of it every now and then and a slew of specific moments that snag in my brain system. I don’t know what draws them out- usually it’s nothing relating to what my present moment is.
I don’t get stuck on them though-I let them pass for what they are and continue on.

As soon as those deep misses hit,immediatly following I feel either one of two things.

One: You want to be at the place you are not in; but  you have set a perfect example of the grass not being greener on the other side.

I want to go back sometimes, but if I think practically, the idea is absurd. I got into such a rut there ( my relationship at the time certainly aided it) that I began to detest my surroundings. Wanting nothing more, than my homeland.

Two: I am fortunate to be able to feel something like this. For a place like this, for a time in my life like this.

There are millions who will never know what living outside of learning what hackysack or hopscotch or caramilk chocolate bars are. Millions who will never spend five years of their life in a country with a language different then their own. People who will not know what it’s like to go without having a bath for years and only showers. Who will not know what it’s like to miss a bag of ketchup chips or honey nut cheerios.

And that’s okay.

I admit to never walking the Great Wall of China or trying to learn how to surf.
I’ve never even eaten an olive and liked it.

And this is what creates individuality.