The way you like it like this, but can’t say the words. The way it’ll throw you off course You Tell me that at Least. while your back against the plaid that you gave me How many years ago now? Time trickles through the system and we absorb and believe that One Day, we will tell it truly, How we Like it. And the Course, will forever be Changed.
How do you leave something you love?
What about someone?
They are still nouns I suppose.
But a cave isn’t the same as a person
no matter how deep they can both be.
They are both nouns.
But one makes you feel more then the other.
Is that the difference?
It must be.
But maybe that’s just the adjectives talking to my noun heart
and making me feel adverbly a lot like a simile.
My insides evaporate and I become what I feel.
I am Alone and Full of Love. I am Full of Emptiness and Helplessness and I am the Panic that begins to flood all of this and it’s making me Sick and Lost and I’m Fumbling for Communication. I am ready to shrink and ready to burst and nothing is good.
But it is right.
Because this is what happens when our feelings consume us.
I don’t wonder how I got to this position in my life. Strictly dealing with relationships and not the firey one I’m in the continual process of adding gasoline to.
It makes entire sense to me knowing I am here because I have chosen it. I have chosen to be here. It sucks to admit but it feels good to. I’m taking responsibility. Not to say I’m not taking responsability for the other areas of my life. I just could foresee this one panning out the way it did.
I remember thinking years ago, from time to time that eventually, it was all going to blow up in my face. And this isn’t just a little ‘ I want my sucker NOW,’ blow up- I’m talking an entire life upheaval that I knew would have me on my knees and in bed for days. I didn’t eat a thing for TWO weeks, for goodness sake. I knew this would happen back then but I told myself I would worry about it once it happened.
Afterall I knew I couldn’t go on forever with one foot in my relationships. I couldn’t keep lying – to myself or to others-till the end of time, but I didn’t know how to stop. So I kept choosing the bad – out of pure laziness I might add- settling myself with the fact that the blow up would change things.
And it has.
I used to think this space sucked. A LOT. But no. It’s just different. I haven’t experienced anything like this in my life. I’ve cried a lot, drank a lot, drank not a lot,danced a lot, cooked a lot, been alone a lot, read a lot, hated myself, loved myself, learned and growed… it’s been really shitty at times but motivating myself is kind of a cool feeling.
It’s silly that I had to have the initial push forced upon me. But that’s how I work. Or should say, USED to work.
I’m taking initiative and figuring that in the future I don’t need a big crash like this to kick my butt in gear.
I don’t love this place, no..but you know what guys, I would take this place over the place I was at, anyday.
Life before the life crash: I was in denial. I made myself believe I was happy,carefree and full of friendship. But really, I was just livable to myself.
This was two days before’ The End.‘Or maybe one day. I can’t- nor does it:: really. Matter.
I just fricken did it.
You came over and I sat on your lap, we kissed, cuddled, and looked into each other.
and you say,
” I just got here!” because I have started speaking.
” I must say this now, ” I speak. “We’ve got to make a decision.”
And on I on and I make blathery and I am surprised and impressed with how straight forward and honest and real it all comes out. I’m usually a sucker for winding my words up all wrong once they fall out of my mouth.
But today I was collected and had direction.
You spoke a few observations and thoughts.
” I feel you’re wanting an answer now so that you can go out there and just find someone.”
Your underestimation for my love for you is as bad as my judgement on how many jellybeans are in a jar-even if there are only 12 .
I made a few more comments and you leaned back quickly and I heard your teeth grind and I knew i had oversold the positive. Within a few minutes you were hugging me hard and giving me a kiss on the cheek and walking to vehicle.
At first I was bothered. You were leaving after hearing something you didn’t like. Couldn’t you talk to me about it? We’re adults, I understand we’ve all got to get better at communicating, but when’s the bloody time to start? Certainly not now?! Heaven forbid!
A few more thoughts down the line, I realized yeah, it had got you heated, and you had the sense to leave before lashing out.
And after THAT thought was: that’s still a negative- unable to deal with those feelings and just walking out. Concluding this fast plane of thought was that yes I know this and I love you and that working on this is something you are capable of.
But this all is lathered in the suds of, ‘ but to which extent? ‘
My tastebuds linger of yours
The smell of your scent that always seems to stay the same
My hands in your hair, wrapped around the strands I braided for fun
16 months ago.
You had opened up the door before I had even reached it
shut it and you stepped out and you took two steps toward me
with a pained expression on your face
and for a second, I thought you were going to hit me.
But you sweeped me up without caution
and pulled me so close
your arms around my back, my legs around your hips
your hands moved under the back of my shirt
just to feel my skin.
Your hands moved to my head
feeling the tangles of my hair
to my face you felt my cheekbones
and I whelmed right up to the brim
If this is the process of a heart opening up to love,
feeling just got an infinate times more tender.
My sensitive guts, oh come on now!
I feel broked open!
Airing out my heart has never happened
it’s the only thing on the line
blowing in the wind and those dusts and specks, yeah! They blast into my blood line and stream through me like they know they ain’t supposed to be there
and it brings me to my knees, oh like heckaloo it does.
I’m bending out of a tree and I just want to feel limp
to not feel the split open of my heart
all the strings and power and muscle exposed
just hurting aching longing