Breaking hearts never gets easier.
And that’s a good thing.
I am shit at not doing what I need to do and great at doing what I want.
Last year I came to learn it,
this year I attempt doing it.
Situations where I need to make the choice that I need to.
I have to say that it hasn’t felt as freeing as I thought it would. Yes, there is some weight off my head and lightness in my heart, but there’s still this deep dissatisfaction.
That I let someone down. That I couldn’t be all that they envisioned me to be in their life.
I wonder if the more I choose to follow my heart, the less I’ll worry about keeping peace with people. I hope so because doing what I need to do shouldn’t be so difficult.
I spent time with Sun last week. In flaming glory she relayed her weekend. My chuckles were riddled with craters of approval. If I could be as hot as her, I would do those things too!
We held a heated discussion, full of sizzling stories and depth the colour of red hot. She had to know I understood the rays of her beauty.
With not so much as a breath of effort she warmed my insides.
I respect her and her tolerance, her dry humor and the way she dances and dials.
Oh Sun, you’ve got me all hot and bothered
and I like it.
If we discontinued our lashing out at people and slow motioned our time with our reactions, I think we’d find a lot less irritable of a person inside of us.
I get that reactions are initial. They’re quite beautiful in that respect. Your response is beautiful in just the opposite way. You DO have time.
It’s like feeding the heart celery. As you make the decisions to respond after letting yourself think, you gain the creation of a possible habit and lose 6 pounds of ego centered mud.
Half the time do we even want to respond wearing a coat of anger?
Shedding that will take time and practice but we’ll feel a lot lighter and have less resistance towards people around us.
Besides, after a situation in reacting poorly, how many times does it return to a safe, comfortable place again?
So just skip the part where you insult others and just be collected and calm to begin with. That will generate enough good loving warmth that makes wearing the damn coat severely impractical.
Lately I’ve been having zooms of past enter. They come without control, without desire.
I have tried to figure out why.
Looking back on things longingly is kind of dangerous. There’s nothing I can do to get back there and it distorts my future. The future will always come even if I am not ready for it but I can lose out on a lot of opportunities if I’m not. Maybe some part of me is back to being half a leg in with my history. Maybe I’m straddling the past and the future because I am restless and wanting to make a big change and once I do it, my perception on what I’ve lived, will change. And maybe I will lose what I’ve learned. Maybe I want to remember the pain and the choices I could have made to have made it better. So that I don’t make the same choices now. Maybe I’m just beating myself up.
I don’t know how to control these images. They are activated so quickly and without warning. Sometimes I suck in my breath sharp. Not surprised at what I am remembering, but at the force of it’s loudness in my head.
I think I need to get more busy and set up a space where present thoughts can grow. Stability will make thoughts of my past less harmful. And that’s what I need to make.
Sometimes I find myself in a closed room sipping on sugar cubes of my past. I keep taking from the same bowl, these perfect little fresh six sided sweets.
I feel the sides, I take the angles and I let dissolve and I let absorb.
Like with too much of anything, my insides will begin to cringe and unfold their exasperation and disapproval.
Every once in awhile, I step inside this place where I roll in the mud of my past. I let myself feel awful for my decisions. I pull in blame and frustration and I coat the whole room in these colours. I am angry and I am determined. I can’t do anything but eat the sweets that turn so sour, to crawl into cave where all I do is feel bad and wonder how I could have messed up so terribly.
Deep down I know. I truly do know. I had to do my past the way that I did so that I could reach where I have. I do align myself with motivation and self awareness, help and understanding, yet these spaces of time come to me strong every so often. I don’t remember ever really pushing them away, but at least now I know that I have the ability to climb out. That in another day or four, I’ll be positive and upbeat again.
I’ll soak in my sweet sweet truth of my life; everything from my perspective to the actual. I’ll make myself sick with consumption of my frustration and feeling of stuck.
When I’m done doing that, I’ll lay in sun and let myself soak that. I’ll let myself be sick on content and the ever always, ebb and flow of life.
I’m a decade behind in mental documents, the kind that breeches all codes of present so vehemently it’s often mistaken as the actual.
The moments we don’t remember, but that are so deep in our corners and layered with patchwork and quick but organized fixes, we do not realize they exist.
But they do and we take them into everything that we do.
And until we let them surface- or recognize when they do- and feel them out and make the decision to let them go,
they will be our baggage.