Dizzy but Not Waiting

You stood there in my life and I wondered what you were doing besides making my heart and head go merry go round crazy.

‘You were figuring it out,’ I had supposed, and I gave you time to do so.

All the while collecting dizzy.

I took my energy and I pummeled it into exercise- I didn’t want to wait around idle. It felt good and eventually it felt less like I was waiting about and more like I was living my life. 

 

The Struggle of Changing Yourself

If I could attach a phrase to the last four months of my life. It would be that of this post title.

I can feel on par, in line, mentally stable, eating the best carrots and drinking the most water one day and the next, I’m staying up late watching mindless YouTube videos and adding cinnamon sugar and chocolate chips to my popcorn.

I’ve learned one thing in the past few weeks and I can feel it has embedded itself into my system and that it will slowly grow and become bigger. It will be more of me as time goes on because I will choose for it consciously.

Even if I don’t exercise for three days, even if I falter at healthiness for a little bit of time, whether it be emotionally or mentally, I can MAKE IT a PART of my healthiness by starting again. I have done that enough times in the past month that I know that it works. That the term ‘starting again’ is merely ‘ continuing on in the right direction’. I feel happier because I’ve pushed through my lazy, wanna crumple into a heap of skin and blankets moments, and felt better again.

That’s a life lesson.

You’re going to fall down and your mind is going to feel upside down and your going to think your hearts’ contents will feel better off flattened and left for dead in the street. You will get into ruts, heck, you’ll even make them yourself, but you don’t have to make them deep. 
You will make your own ( when you look back on it ) distinguishable pace. Whether it’s 9 steps forward and 10 back, or forward 10 and 1 back. You have the capability to set that.

And that’s pretty darn amazing.

 

Self improvement is an infinity mile journey. How do you expect to make a dent of good if you continiously wallow in your minds negative thoughts that YOU are not only choosing to hold on to, but are making in the first place.
Get the struggle of  bettering you under control so that you can admit, be aware, fight for and admire, the you that you are forever becoming. 

 

 

 

 

Dangerous Change of Pace

I felt this one coming.
I saw a friend on Thursday last week- knowing I needed that interaction.

The next day I know I needed more. It’s the long weekend after all and there are weddings and my ex is attending one of them and people are doing stuff-doesn’t even have to sound fun but STUFF- and here I am on the Friday and Saturday nights in bed at 930pm with my computer and flavoured water.
So when everyone is busy and I have noone I can find,
I crumple.

I am alone in all of this and if my thoughts are around, they can go absolutely hay wire.
I question myself.

Here is what the inside of my brain has looked like the past 48 hours inbetween the dead pauses of nothingness:

‘ I just want to forget this all ever happened. I want to move on easily. I should be able to do that, I’m pretty, I’m funny, I’m a quirk. There was never any problem of finding anyone before. What if everyone is getting snatched up, and I’m going to be that single 40 year old Mom alone. And doesn’t that mean my intentions are wired all wrong. I just want to be in a healthy functioning relationship and that tweaks everything. My standards drop and anyone that is a decent candidate, I’ll go for. But that’s not how I want to be. I just want to take my time, that’s what I should be doing. Letting time pass and being stable. Well why can’t I be stable. Because I’m stuck in the past relationship. Why should I be stuck? He lied about the things that supposedly  happened. He’s been mean to me and I’ve dropped more than half of my pre existing life for him and that wasn’t enough.I can’t make him believe me anymore. He has to believe me for himself.’

And in those thoughts, anger boils in. I’m guessing this is part of the grieving process and I am timid to feel this because I know I’m pushing it to make it easier and that at the same time I want to not want to not be with him, I know I do. But:

‘ Why should I watch him continue on his life with his giant family surrounding him and supporting him while I am a hermit, feeling sorry for myself. It’s okay to be with people now. You left a lot of people but I think it’s time to find them again. If only for a boost back into the world. You’ve hesitated to do this.. ‘

because you thought, ‘ I can’t step back into those old ways with other people, it’s alright to take some time away.I  need to be happy with myself first. The way I used people before, was wrong.’

But GIRL:

‘I don’t have to go about them the same way do I. I can be upfront and tell them my intentions. I don’t have to be 20 years old again. I’m 7 years older and I won’t do it the same way. It CAN be done differently you know! ‘

I love myself and am happy with myself but I need to get out there and feel that validation. I am vulnerable and weak and I don’t see any other way. I’ve tried other ways as it is. No drinking, church, reading, exercise..
I need that healthy attention and that is perfectly normal and I shouldn’t stop myself from getting it just because I’m waiting on my ex. I need to feel better. I need to get into a better position.
And if that means putting my foot out there into familiarity with a twist, I have to do it even if I don’t want to do it. I’m still hooked on him remember? I may feel wrong for doing it because of him, but I have to do it for me.

‘ You turned away from this method because it wasnt fair to him and because you didn’t want to slip into the previous ways it was before him.’ 

‘ But… you don’t have to make it the same way!! Those people have changed too and will view the friendship differently!’

Desperative thoughts calls for measure I am unsure of. I won’t know until I try.
I need to get out of this rut big time or I’m going to sink in it.

 

 

 

 

 

And then the boat of my brain thinks….

 

 

‘ What if I got back together with my ex in Thailand?? ‘

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh faackaloo.

 

 

 

 

Day 28,29,30/April 28,29,30

So this brings me to my months completion of exercise.
I didn’t do anything for Day 28 or 30 but the 29th I logged in a 30 minute danceable, situps from a tree dealio.

I’m not surprised that there aren’t any huge noticable differences in physical size. I can guess that my arms and legs are the most strongest and my stomach is a lot less smaller than it would be if I hadn’t done this at all.

I did notice however that on my calender, the days I didn’t exercise ( I coloured in the days that I did ) made a dog shaped animal. I also noticed that if I missed a day, I tended to add that in on a post where I did. As if that would make me feel better for not doing it.
‘ I didn’t run yesterday BUT i DID on this day..’ Oh silly.
I didn’t push myself to the dreading and getting it done stage. I don’t think that’s how exercising should be done. I went gentle on myself. I went at my pace and missed a few days and didn’t go all bat nutty on myself if I did.
The mental state is the good of it. I just feel a little stronger, both mentally and physically, and that’s kinda cool.

Here’s to starting May out with a goal of situps every now and then.  😉

Day 26/27 April 26/27

Besides the 12 sit ups I did in bed at two thirty am last night because I couldn’t get to sleep, I did zilch for 26th.

27th however, woulda blowed the hairs off your ankles.
61 minutes of go, go and more go.

I felt like throwing up after it was all done and did.
I was the dancer of the early eve as I kept on going until my heart felt like it was a rock that was going to shoot out of my chesticle like a firework on drugs.

I ran around with son, chasing a mini football. Did a really sweet handstand on top of the hill in the front yard.

I did the craziest tree activity I have in the past few years, ( err.. or ever ) hanging around like a monkey who’d eaten too much cake. Pulling myself up with just my arms, then just my legs, moving sideways with nothing other then my stomach muscles doing the work.

After that my calves were aching and sooted with tree bark.
Then I came in and sat.

And sat.

Then wrote this.
And afterwards, you can guess I’ll be sitting some more.

Day Twentyfree.April 23

9:12am I was out there. Jogged the first five minutes and wasn’t feeling that movement so I danced my heartbeat around like a good goof and graciously did side steps facing the sun and then I blammed into my son and his blue bicycle and all three of us toppled onto the driveway ground.
I was such in my own world of my, myself, freedom and sun that I laid there for 15 seconds with my sight in a daze.

I was done after that surprising hit. Knocked the gumpf out of me. All though I did try and get back on the track – a 4 minute song try- I didn’t get it back.

So he picked me dandylions and then we went inside and made a pizza.

 

 

Day Ateteen/April 18

Ate a whopping 18 Werther candies at work this morning, oh golly goodness.

Could this be why I wasn’t exactly feeling the movement today?
Likely.
I was however, feeling the planks and upside down tree crunches, catch ball that’s rolled to me from son, lay down and sit up and pass backs’.
Did probably one hundred sit ups and it didn’t up sit’ ( Texan accent? ) my tummy! No sir!

More than half way through da month and I’m feeling pretty swell.