Breeze Brings

I try to enjoy the wind as it reaches me here in the open window’d car. 
I hear the leaves talk too. 
It brings me you
and the absence settles. 

This brings me only memories and reminders that have impacted me enough, 
to be able to come to me this way.

I try to enjoy it
but I only wish you were here 

and that the breeze was not.

Return Warmth

If we discontinued our lashing out at people and slow motioned our time with our reactions, I think we’d find a lot less irritable of a person inside of us.
I get that reactions are initial. They’re quite beautiful in that respect. Your response is beautiful in just the opposite way. You DO have time.

It’s like feeding the heart celery. As you make the decisions to respond after letting yourself think, you gain the creation of a possible habit and lose 6 pounds of ego centered mud.

Half the time do we even want to respond wearing a coat of anger?
Likely not.
Shedding that will take time and practice but we’ll feel a lot lighter and have less resistance towards people around us.

 

Besides, after a situation in reacting poorly, how many times does it return to a safe, comfortable place again?

So just skip the part where you insult others and just be collected and calm to begin with. That will generate enough good loving warmth that makes wearing the damn coat severely impractical.

 

 

 

 

Past Pops

Lately I’ve been having zooms of past enter. They come without control, without desire.
I have tried to figure out why.

 

  • Not currently as happy as I want to be
  • A lull in my life right now
  • I’m wanting what I had
  • I’m lonely
  • I wish I had of been better

 

Looking back on things longingly is kind of dangerous. There’s nothing I can do to get back there and it distorts my future. The future will always come even if I am not ready for it but I can lose out on a lot of opportunities if I’m not. Maybe some part of me is back to being half a leg in with my history. Maybe I’m straddling the past and the future because I am restless and wanting to make a big change and once I do it, my perception on what I’ve lived, will change. And maybe I will lose what I’ve learned. Maybe I want to remember the pain and the choices I could have made to have made it better. So that I don’t make the same choices now. Maybe I’m just beating myself up.

I don’t know how to control these images. They are activated so quickly and without warning. Sometimes I suck in my breath sharp. Not surprised at what I am remembering, but at the force of it’s loudness in my head.

I think I need to get more busy and set up a space where present thoughts can grow. Stability will make thoughts of my past less harmful. And that’s what I need to make.
Stability.

Ebb and Flow

Sometimes I find myself in a closed room sipping on sugar cubes of my past. I keep taking from the same bowl, these perfect little fresh six sided sweets.
I feel the sides, I take the angles and I let dissolve and I let absorb.
Again
and again.

Like with too much of anything, my insides will begin to cringe and unfold their exasperation and disapproval.

Every once in awhile, I step inside this place where I roll in the mud of my past. I let myself feel awful for my decisions. I pull in blame and frustration and I coat the whole room in these colours. I am angry and I am determined. I can’t do anything but eat the sweets that turn so sour, to crawl into cave where all I do is feel bad and wonder how I could have messed up so terribly.

Deep down I know. I truly do know. I had to do my past the way that I did so that I could reach where I have. I do align myself with motivation and self awareness, help and understanding, yet these spaces of time come to me strong every so often. I don’t remember ever really pushing them away, but at least now I know that I have the ability to climb out. That in another day or four, I’ll be positive and upbeat again.
I’ll soak in my sweet sweet truth of my life; everything from my perspective to the actual. I’ll make myself sick with consumption of my frustration and feeling of stuck.
When I’m done doing that, I’ll lay in sun and let myself soak that. I’ll let myself be sick on content and the ever always, ebb and flow of life.