Past and Present Person

Well I don’t mean for my past to dissappear. More so-angry at myself for choosing the choices I did in it. The past is just there- I can’t blame it. It doesn’t even have a choice to be alive or not. We choose that.

We all know that the Past is a person that highly influences our being with Present.  There’s a relationship between the two, even if we don’t want it.

You get them in the same room and it births a person called Future.

Umbilical cord,blood, crushed hands and all.

Welcome to the World my little big Future.
We’re going to do Wonders.

It is a Big Day

Well I’m not drunk this time.
But I’ve got some big news to share.

My three year old son meets his biological father for the first time today. As of right now, there are no memories attatched to this man. Z has no recollection, no idea that he was made because of two people in love in another country.

Yes, he was there when my son was born. We stayed together for a year or two after.
But those spaces in the brain,
that is not what son remembers.

So after a year and three months they shall meet at my parents log house and I shall stand by and watch very closely. Every tidbit of strength and understanding coming to the platform. Perhaps I will see similarities that I never knew of before. I am proud and excited to show him my dedication and devotion of over a year, in the creating of this boy that is our son.

May the papers over this little boys head, go smooth and easy.
Let us be adults.
Good ones.

 

New Feel in the Picture

My sons father hasn’t seen his son in one year and three months.
It was a sacrifice he chose. For me. For his son.
I still love the man because he is good. He just wasn’t right for me.

In five days he will meet his son.
Because his son is altogether new. Unfamiliar. Different then the last time.

So yesterday, I got the burst of a new feel.

I am excited to show him our son.
For him to represent my hard work and dedication of over a year.
I am responsible for his manners and his voice. The words he uses and his diaperless bum. I am the reason behind a lot of the good things and of course, some of the bad.

I am excited to show him the being we made and how it is no longer a 7 pound wriggle, but a 31 pound child that hugs hugs-the best I’ve ever had.
He’s my heart beating reason,
and I’m excited to show him that.

What the Fook post

It’s really difficult to get a grip on life right now. It’s not stable. No matter how many moments I think it is. People affect your life in the extradionary amount that we most of the time, aren’t aware of. My heart turns three tomorrow. That’s my son. And I’ve been a terrible mother the past two months. This is such an airy vent-this post. These days,I’m kind of okay with losing everything, if it means I don’t have to feel about it. My own core person has its faults. We all do. I’m glad I can percieve mine in such a light, of workability. That i can put effort towards those strands of gunk and make them alright. I know the things I need to do. I know I’ve been post poning them. But now? Now I can’t do it much longer. After he’s three, well. I’m okay with letting it all out to where it needs to go. I know that’s whats been holding me back. I hate lying now. My guilt sucks me up into a basket of sick and my stomach doesn’t want anything to do with anything except alcohol.  I am hurt and hurting and sick and sickening. I want to get better. But I am weak and I will crack. I’m a strong pants wearing relatiopnship person. Is what I always thought. I did end all the ones I was in. But that may mean nothing. I’m saying that I’m in a spot where I’m not okay with not being smpathized with. I’m not okay with always being the one to walk after the otherI. I wont be. I will not be in a relationship where that is a case. Whether its my parents, my son, my friends. That is not what I do. It has taught me a lot. To be in this position. It’s taught me about the yucky part of love. When you’re running out the doorr and you don’t even want to but you know it will make things better even if you’re the one folding…It taught me to fold. And folding is love, to me. I’ve never folded so much. And it sucks blood out of me, and blows courage into me. I have never been this real with myself.

Outta the Black

This marks the first post of mine in October of this year.
In a few weeks my son turns three.
That fact waters the terrain of Emotional Motherland like no other. But that’s okay. That’s a rich feeling. That makes trees and grass and lakes. That makes for a beauty of a landscape.

I’m on more stable grounds. It feels good to rid yourself of every single thing of something you were apart of. I’d never done that so thourougly before.

I feel closer to pure than I have in awhile. I knew going through dark spaces was okay. Inside them thinking, I just want to feel the worst of it all right now. Because that feels the best.

And then you come out of that space and life looks a lot more clearer, feels a lot more cleaner and drives you to be a whole lot better.

And bettering to me,
is a way of life.