Ebb and Flow

Sometimes I find myself in a closed room sipping on sugar cubes of my past. I keep taking from the same bowl, these perfect little fresh six sided sweets.
I feel the sides, I take the angles and I let dissolve and I let absorb.
Again
and again.

Like with too much of anything, my insides will begin to cringe and unfold their exasperation and disapproval.

Every once in awhile, I step inside this place where I roll in the mud of my past. I let myself feel awful for my decisions. I pull in blame and frustration and I coat the whole room in these colours. I am angry and I am determined. I can’t do anything but eat the sweets that turn so sour, to crawl into cave where all I do is feel bad and wonder how I could have messed up so terribly.

Deep down I know. I truly do know. I had to do my past the way that I did so that I could reach where I have. I do align myself with motivation and self awareness, help and understanding, yet these spaces of time come to me strong every so often. I don’t remember ever really pushing them away, but at least now I know that I have the ability to climb out. That in another day or four, I’ll be positive and upbeat again.
I’ll soak in my sweet sweet truth of my life; everything from my perspective to the actual. I’ll make myself sick with consumption of my frustration and feeling of stuck.
When I’m done doing that, I’ll lay in sun and let myself soak that. I’ll let myself be sick on content and the ever always, ebb and flow of life.

 

 

We Are All Really Great Fishermen

We catch colds and planes and ways to blame,
we catch glances and our breath, we catch wind of what comes next.
We catch ourselves being much too invasive, we catch ourselves between rocks and hard places. 
We catch waves and rays of sun, we catch snowflakes on our tongues.
We catch each other in lies,we catch each others eyes,
we catch each others drift and we catch each other lifts.
We get caught off guard, get caught on camera and caught up with the motion of the earth,
we catch ourselves belittling our own sense of worth.
We catch up on our paperwork, we catch up with our friends, we catch the last 12 minutes of a game that’s going to end.
Our world catches fire, our hearts do too,
after all we’re all quite the catch, and that’s the damn truth.

 

There’s Truth Under the Truth

i am sorry i was the one to disturb you
to wake the giant.
i wish it was someone else
and instead, that i was the one to help you become better.

when you learn from this what you will, i will wish not that it never happened for you, but that it was someone else, that it was never me that placed it upon you, but someone else.
for if you haven’t already, you will learn something greater than what you can imagine.
you will be better than you ever have been.

but in the realistic deeper tongue of Truth that I begin to practice,

if i was never the one to make you reach your worst,
i wouldn’t have ever made it to my present best.

In developing this action of looking for honest,

I find myself okay with it being me that crushed your ego and broke your heart.


I accept it because in not doing so, I avoid and deny and ignore the truth of what happened.
If I want to live truthfully, I must accept the truth.

I accept that I broke your heart.
and I am comforted with my belief that eventually, 

 


you too, will reach your best.

Relief

It shifted. A few days ago it did.
When I finally set myself free.
When I did what I needed to do. And it couldn’t have happened any sooner
because I wasn’t ready to let go.
This was in my heart all along.
So as much as this is a beginning, it still feels like it is gloriously aged cheddar.
I guess that’s what happens when you finally make your own hearts whispers’ a priority.

Don’t Brace Yourself

Bracing ourselves before impact is not a super idea.
It’s that inattentive, limp and carefree and singing to your favorite song while on route to tree kind of thing we’re supposed to have going on that gets us the least amount of damage.

That’s how we should do life, don’t you think?

Forget tensing up. Forget sticking your arms out straight to hold you in the space you don’t have a chance of staying in.

In some cases, it is better to get blind sided then it is to know what’s coming.

Control. Once you are not in it, don’t get ready for impact. All the rolls, the flips and the crashes. Don’t brace yourself for anything.

Bee as fluid as liquid honey.

You just may find the impact sticks to you like a hug gone wild.

 

Consumed

I feel.
So much so,
that I become.

My insides evaporate and I become what I feel.
I am Alone and Full of Love. I am Full of Emptiness and Helplessness and I am the Panic that begins to flood all of this and it’s making me Sick and Lost and I’m Fumbling for Communication. I am ready to shrink and ready to burst and nothing is good.

 
But it is right.

Because this is what happens when our feelings consume us.