There’s Truth Under the Truth

i am sorry i was the one to disturb you
to wake the giant.
i wish it was someone else
and instead, that i was the one to help you become better.

when you learn from this what you will, i will wish not that it never happened for you, but that it was someone else, that it was never me that placed it upon you, but someone else.
for if you haven’t already, you will learn something greater than what you can imagine.
you will be better than you ever have been.

but in the realistic deeper tongue of Truth that I begin to practice,

if i was never the one to make you reach your worst,
i wouldn’t have ever made it to my present best.

In developing this action of looking for honest,

I find myself okay with it being me that crushed your ego and broke your heart.


I accept it because in not doing so, I avoid and deny and ignore the truth of what happened.
If I want to live truthfully, I must accept the truth.

I accept that I broke your heart.
and I am comforted with my belief that eventually, 

 


you too, will reach your best.

Relief

It shifted. A few days ago it did.
When I finally set myself free.
When I did what I needed to do. And it couldn’t have happened any sooner
because I wasn’t ready to let go.
This was in my heart all along.
So as much as this is a beginning, it still feels like it is gloriously aged cheddar.
I guess that’s what happens when you finally make your own hearts whispers’ a priority.

Don’t Brace Yourself

Bracing ourselves before impact is not a super idea.
It’s that inattentive, limp and carefree and singing to your favorite song while on route to tree kind of thing we’re supposed to have going on that gets us the least amount of damage.

That’s how we should do life, don’t you think?

Forget tensing up. Forget sticking your arms out straight to hold you in the space you don’t have a chance of staying in.

In some cases, it is better to get blind sided then it is to know what’s coming.

Control. Once you are not in it, don’t get ready for impact. All the rolls, the flips and the crashes. Don’t brace yourself for anything.

Bee as fluid as liquid honey.

You just may find the impact sticks to you like a hug gone wild.

 

Consumed

I feel.
So much so,
that I become.

My insides evaporate and I become what I feel.
I am Alone and Full of Love. I am Full of Emptiness and Helplessness and I am the Panic that begins to flood all of this and it’s making me Sick and Lost and I’m Fumbling for Communication. I am ready to shrink and ready to burst and nothing is good.

 
But it is right.

Because this is what happens when our feelings consume us.

 

Stop Looking For Yourself

I don’t fully understand the whole finding out who we are thing.
We have opinions and morals, we have our perspectives and positions, our perception and our values.
Yet
all those are capable of changing.

A 25 year age difference between partners is incredibly wrong to me.
Then I
live in a city where relationships like that are seen everyday.
At first it is weird, uncomfortable and even embarrassing.
In time,
I understand it and it becomes less wrong and more of just the way that it is and eventually, I am happy that I’m an individual that knows it exists.
Moral grounding for that, no matter how ingrained it was in my childhood, evaporates.

And I am then, one idea different.

You see,
we don’t need to go looking for ourselves.

We’re made up of time and experience. Of people, places and animals. Interactions and poor choices and good choices and feelings and learning.

We can have ideas, recognize patterns in our behavior and know our skills and comfort zones. We can know our boundaries, the foods that taste the best in our mouth and the colour that dazzles the greatest in our eyes.

But when you think you’ve found yourself, you’ll just find that there’s more to find. You aren’t a solid .
We just use that idea of finding ourselves because it’s less scary then admitting we’re all just lumps of experience.

And what is life but experience after experience.

So embrace that and kinda just let yourself be a fun, malleable heart beat.
Resisting life is the worsty thing you can do when all it needs you to do, is be.

And how do you be?

 

You be well, by meaning well.

 

 

 

What Do You REALLY Miss?

Do you miss a person?

Take that idea and hold it in your heart. Now we’re going to inspect.

Perhaps you just miss the feelings he created within you. How he or she made you feel clever, hopeful or even better as a person. Perhaps she was a creative outlet in which you were appreciated- for your wacky brain, your confidence in creating. Maybe you don’t miss him at all but all the things he provided. Safety, stability, being cared for. Even the person you were when you were with him.
It may be that you don’t really miss who she is as a person, but rather the world of what it meant to have someone there. To connect with and share with.

Really let your heart feel out on all angles, what this miss actually is for.

Next I want you to ask yourself what of that miss, you can supply on your own.
Getting into a comfortable relationship with yourself is so incredibly important but it’s often the thing we focus on the least.

Administer the value on yourself, yourself. Take moments to actually laugh at how silly you are being or how radical you know your mind is. Validate your beautiful existence yourself.  If this means making a sticker chart and rewarding each recognition with an end of the week treat? Then do so.
Fill this ‘miss’ void as much as possible. Wrap up love and give that gift to yourself  over and over again.
In the end, you’ll find you are much stronger and funner then you thought you were and whatever miss you felt for a person or a place,is less- simply because you’re able to produce the feeling of being cared for, yourself.
May I remind you too,  you don’t need someone else to make you better. If you like who you are when you are ‘better’, go be that without the crutch of someone else. 
If you can do that, your ‘better’ just got a whole lot better. 

 

 

I Arrive Here

You do not complete me. 
I am a whole strong individual without you. If you die before me, I will still be here.

I am capable of making myself happy. I can make myself laugh, smile and cry.
I don’t need your love to feel full,
I have my own love
for me. 

And I love to dance with me.

You are not my life. I am my own.
I am beautiful standing alone. 

I do not need you in my life.

I want you.
I choose to want you.

I choose to put my time,energy and love towards you.
I am choosing to let your life be a part of mine.
I am choosing to spend my life with yours.  

I choose to love you
because now,
I am able. 

I am finally whole on my own.

6 Years Ago I Knew It Would Eventually Explode

I don’t wonder how I got to this position in my life. Strictly dealing with relationships and not the firey one I’m in the continual process of adding gasoline to.
It makes entire sense to me knowing I am here because I have chosen it. I have chosen to be here. It sucks to admit but it feels good to. I’m taking responsibility. Not to say I’m not taking responsability for the other areas of my life. I just could foresee this one panning out the way it did.

I remember thinking years ago, from time to time that eventually, it was all going to blow up in my face. And this isn’t just a little ‘ I want my sucker NOW,’ blow up- I’m talking an entire life upheaval that I knew would have me on my knees and in bed for days. I didn’t eat a thing for TWO weeks, for goodness sake.   I knew this would happen back then but I told myself I would worry about it once it happened.
Afterall I knew I couldn’t go on forever with one foot in my relationships. I couldn’t keep lying – to myself or to others-till the end of time, but I didn’t know how to stop. So I kept choosing the bad – out of pure laziness I might add- settling myself with the fact that the blow up would change things.

And it has.

I used to think this space sucked. A LOT. But no. It’s just different. I haven’t experienced anything like this in my life. I’ve cried a lot, drank a lot, drank not a lot,danced a lot, cooked a lot, been alone a lot, read a lot, hated myself, loved myself, learned and growed… it’s been really shitty at times but motivating myself is kind of a cool feeling.

It’s silly that I had to have the initial push forced upon me. But that’s how I work. Or should say, USED to work.
I’m taking initiative and figuring that in the future I don’t need a big crash like this to kick my butt in gear.
I don’t love this place, no..but you know what guys, I would take this place over the place I was at, anyday. 

Life before the life crash: I was in denial. I made myself believe I was happy,carefree and full of friendship. But really, I was just livable to myself. 

 

 

 

Now I can say I’m lovable to myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that’s a fact worth living. 

 

It Came to me Now

This week has been a blasted turbulence of more turbulance on top of more blasted blasts that are turbulancing terrifficaly and and and….

oh LIFE. 

What are we gonna DO with you!? 

Certainly not LIVE you. Heaven forbid! 

I thought the break up was rollercoastery. No. That’s just pure sad and mad and down in the dumps, no coming up for air until you’re forced to eat a taco salad that takes about thirty seconds to demolish because your stomach hasn’t felt anything in it cept for booze and pills and the occasional drops of water for two weeks straight.
No man, that is a stationary bike in the depths of initial fear and loss.

This here, is about as light as a ping pong ball and football shaped  so it’s bound to go everywhere you are not and at the slightest wiffle of wind.

I could sense change was coming. But I considered it to be a one time decide your fate in a day type of thing.

No, this here is you thinking your ‘ex’ are broken up for GOOD after a 5 month here and there sightage, and you being finally basically okay with it and you do your mental swipes and heart swipes and you start prepping those parts for a new journey and as you switch your view forward your ear is slammed with a phone call that is him requesting sightage.

And you are splattered like a fresh broken egg in a sizzling pan.

You are stronger then you were but strength isn’t always smart. You feel powerful but weak at the heart knees. You’ve propped yourself up to this easel of beautiful disastery and you’re continuing to brush colour onto the canvas, just as he.

You blame no one but yourself until the blame turns into a statue of rust and it suddenly doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve never felt more okay with either outcome because you have essentially done all you can and you know that everything you do in this time together, will represent what you desire. That’s all the cards you want because you’re not playing any games. You’ll Go Ex, not Go Fish.

You’re learning how to deal with the continual and familiar shit feelings. You’re making tough skin and it feels bold and refreshing. You’re gonna be the next new bag of Doritos.

Simply put,

You’re on a rollercoaster and it’s not because you can’t get off it,
because even if you could
you’re not going to fight to because you’ve finally understood that you’re right where you’re supposed to be.