i am sorry i was the one to disturb you to wake the giant. i wish it was someone else and instead, that i was the one to help you become better.
when you learn from this what you will, i will wish not that it never happened for you, but that it was someone else, that it was never me that placed it upon you, but someone else. for if you haven’t already, you will learn something greater than what you can imagine.
you will be better than you ever have been.
but in the realistic deeper tongue of Truth that I begin to practice,
if i was never the one to make you reach your worst,
i wouldn’t have ever made it to my present best.
In developing this action of looking for honest,
I find myself okay with it being me that crushed your ego and broke your heart.
I accept it because in not doing so, I avoid and deny and ignore the truth of what happened.
If I want to live truthfully, I must accept the truth.
I accept that I broke your heart.
and I am comforted with my belief that eventually,
I told you I hadn’t loved you in our relationship.
You deflated into a hundred and eight pieces.
I stood strong, even when you didn’t understand
because I knew that what I said,
And this is what I told you.
” What is worse. To believe that I loved you and treated you the way that I did? Or to admit that I couldn’t have because I was treating you the way that I was. ”
I may not know what my love exactly is, but it sure as hell has nothing to do with what I put you through.
This was two days before’ The End.‘Or maybe one day. I can’t- nor does it:: really. Matter.
I just fricken did it.
You came over and I sat on your lap, we kissed, cuddled, and looked into each other.
and you say,
” I just got here!” because I have started speaking.
” I must say this now, ” I speak. “We’ve got to make a decision.”
And on I on and I make blathery and I am surprised and impressed with how straight forward and honest and real it all comes out. I’m usually a sucker for winding my words up all wrong once they fall out of my mouth.
But today I was collected and had direction.
You spoke a few observations and thoughts.
” I feel you’re wanting an answer now so that you can go out there and just find someone.”
Your underestimation for my love for you is as bad as my judgement on how many jellybeans are in a jar-even if there are only 12 .
I made a few more comments and you leaned back quickly and I heard your teeth grind and I knew i had oversold the positive. Within a few minutes you were hugging me hard and giving me a kiss on the cheek and walking to vehicle.
At first I was bothered. You were leaving after hearing something you didn’t like. Couldn’t you talk to me about it? We’re adults, I understand we’ve all got to get better at communicating, but when’s the bloody time to start? Certainly not now?! Heaven forbid!
A few more thoughts down the line, I realized yeah, it had got you heated, and you had the sense to leave before lashing out.
And after THAT thought was: that’s still a negative- unable to deal with those feelings and just walking out. Concluding this fast plane of thought was that yes I know this and I love you and that working on this is something you are capable of.
But this all is lathered in the suds of, ‘ but to which extent? ‘
I am so confused.
And it all makes sense. Then I am confused, because I am not.
I swear, 20 minutes after I posted The End. you CALLED.
And you were on your way OVER.
You asked if it was okay.
I am startled, dreaming, sleeping, AWAKE
I say yes.
I feel defeated but so happy to hold you. I feel lost, but so center to me.
I’m embarressed to write this post, but I’m unfolding my life.
I don’t even know what all to feel. How long do I keep this up?
When will you let go of me and I let go of you? Is it a when or an if we do?
My heart still wants you and my head is trying to be smart. You make it easy for my heart to win and I know this because my heart isn’t trying.
Wrenched in two directions once again, and each time I try and see something different. The pain is a bit less, the drive to be better a bit more, the ridiculousness absurdified ten fold.
Well I’m jumping ahead here about one thousand pages but um. I sorta have to.
I didn’t cry.
I thought of as many reasons as I could, of how mean you were to me. How I’d never been treated so poorly in any relationship in all my time.
Till the very last drop I let myself believe I deserved it. That because I screwed up, it was okay. I have never been in an emotional abusive relationship. I never even understood them. But now? I have as much experience as a 400 acre hay field has hay.
Even after all my positive explaining. The reality in my soul of how I wanted us to work together and BELIEVED we could and laid out a plan and format we could use. The time it would take . ‘You can’t expect to trust me overnight, and I can’t expect you to. ‘
‘I’m not capable of being with you’, you said, ‘ I just wanted you around so that noone else could have you’.
For six months.
I still love you. I’m not over any of this. I will profusely be shoving out any thoughts of you, of any of our existence. Until I can do so without sobbing. I still love you.
You don’t deserve me. And I will say that over and over in my head each day for however long it takes.
I haven’t cried.
I still love you.
I am not weak. I am strong and fighting. Tomorrow I will be out running my legs, crunching my stomach, pushing pushing pushing.
I will get through this, and so will you best friend, so will you.
It was four days boy. Four days after our weekend together and serious decision to stop contact. ( Again. ) And it’s always you. Calling first. Texting first. I’m not complaining about this fact, it’s flattering, hopeful, and happity, and perhaps all of those..unhealthy. Sigh..
I went away for a week in that time because I wanted to be far from you and near newness so that my mind would be on other things. But that’s when you called.
I wrote the dang email but you said although it was all nice to hear, it was vague.
And I knew that. It was all things you had heard before, I was just too chicken to write the inner more detailed stuff..of stuff about you. And us. And worry about you hacking me and those divulgences up, is why I did not. You can really cut up anything I give you. That’s true. And you have a habit of breaking my words down versus accepting them and being proactive, current and honestly… adult about it.
When I think about getting more vulnerable and putting myself out there. I cringe alittle. I’m not usually so ( a lot of us are not? ) and I’ve already placed myself in so many uncomfortable and heart on sleeve positions with you- more than I have in all my relationships put together. And I can feel happy that you still miss me and I can believe you’re coming to terms with the fact that you don’t want to be without me- but it makes me ache. You find me in this place where I’m doing a decent job at being strong alone but with the desire to really make you see and believe me. I hate the heavy lovey dovey texts I send to you that presents me with six hours of uneasy stomach and wanting to be swallowed up by tree branches and wishing I didn’t press send, yet I do it again and again and again. Much less than I was, but I still shell out seashells that taste awful in my own mouth. I fold so easily for you. And it bothers me!
We talked every night I was away. Which was totally counterproductive but I wanted you to know I wasn’t out partying- that being out of town meant I wasn’t making new friends or moving on.. I was thinking of you and you knew it. And I know it made you happy.
Anyhow, now this weekend has arrived and I will save the continuational story for another post. We are surely in the crevices of absurdity and normal. We are a million in a million relationships like this, yet this one is our own and this is turning us even more into our own. Just like it’s supposed to.
You called at 1220am and were slightly drunk and you slathered us in hope and told me to email you words the next few days.
This will be a ssignificant email that i write to you.
I want to include so much yet i Know there is clever and wording and detail and focus that must be carefully exécuted in order to get the best result.
We spent more consecutive and planned time together these past three days than we have in five months.
And it’s because we knew the rest of the gift was coming.
We were dating-past free- for the weekend.
Dinner and desserts and movie and conversations about everynothings- all the things we know our hearts ache to have from one another. We gave in to simplicity and let ourselves forget our mess.
We let ourselves get good and deep and lost.
I’m not giving up,
I’m just tired of words that don’t carry any meaning and tired of actions that are only giving way to the us in the past.