This is What I Give You

We spent more consecutive and planned time together these past three days than we have in five months.

And it’s because we knew the rest of the gift was coming.

We were dating-past free- for the weekend.
Dinner and desserts and movie and conversations about everynothings- all the things we know our hearts ache to have from one another. We gave in to simplicity and let ourselves forget our mess.

We let ourselves get good and deep and lost.

 

 

I’m not giving up,
I’m just tired of words that don’t carry any meaning and tired of actions that are only giving way to the us in the past.

 

 

My gift is my love.

 
And I’m choosing time apart.

 

 

We’re to focus on getting better individually.

 

 

 

To a Better You,

 

 

A Better Me.
And perhaps,
a Better Us.

 

 

 

A Gift And You

I haven’t posted in this catagory in a long time because I have been afraid.
If I wrote something about you, it would alter the good track it has been on.
I think I was doing well to have you in a peaceful part of my mind, a stability that was working.
It still is.

I handed you over a thousand words of mine that I have written over the past four months.
Last night when I saw you, I had confidence brimming my heart and I knew I was doing the right thing.

I am very vulnerable with all these words you have in your hand, but it will make the second part of my gift, make sense.

And I have to give you the second part of this gift.

Because it is all I have to give to you.

The Transition

I and You are into another part of our ‘breakup’. I really don’t see us not being in contact again. Friday morning we made arrangements for a s l e e p o v e r . That’s the most planned we’ve been since the day I went over to get all my items 3 months ago. I don’t know the texture of three months but I am sure it doesn’t feel like this.
It’s been YEARS since we’ve been apart, hasn’t it?
All though, I must admit we’ve come along ways since those first two weeks where anger was in every darn corner reaching for the brightest parts of your heart. 
Most might tend to think that the ‘Friend Zone’ is entirely negative and not beneficial at all; to at least one of the members in the zone.
However, this is by far the best zone we could be in at this point.
We’re lessening the physical and recognizing we just really value each others company and quality time spent together.

You even SAID that! You are bending oh so very far from the standpoint you had weeks ago. And I am very thankful for this.

I can’t help the fact that I feel different coming to your place and that my heart brims up with tears 100% of the time we see one another now. I am very touched and moved to have got to this space with you. I feel privileged,fortunate and honored.

For the both of us, this is a challenging flip flop of an emotional time right now. We’re in between something here. And the transition feels kinda weird.
No matter how it can hurt and feel really tough,  ( ” Oh, just move on already girl- go spread your dating wings and you’ll find someone in no time. ” ) the fact that I am very steady in my thoughts to have you and want you, that I am bold and unwavering for you, is a sure sign to me that I am forever in real love with you.

You Were Partial

I made pulled chicken today. I told you I was going to come by to drop some off around a certain time if it was okay with you.
It was.

You were outside with doggy and a cup of coffee still in your work clothes

waiting for me.
I hugged you, you were partial.
Hesitant.
Different.
You smiled your shy smile
and your body language was like
you didn’t want me to be there
but your smile, I know that smile
it said otherwise.

 

The day before I was sitting on your lap our arms intertwined
while you fell asleep and I listened to you snore.

What can I expect. This position sucks and I can’t ask too much from it.

Well, Hello

I just got back from your house. You called me this morning right after church and I was very very surprised. And happy. We’d texted a few texts the day before, but still.
I asked ” Can I see you today..tonight? ”
You were quick to say, ” Yeah, call me when you get home.”

So I did.
And then I was driving over to your house.

We didn’t stop being shoulder to shoulder,hip to hip.
I hardly wear much make up there anymore because I know it’s just going to fall off anyways. I’m always emotional.

I left in tears. I can’t explain it. I’m supposed to be happy. And I am- that we spent that time together. That you wanted it too. I soaked in so much of it. As if I could physically hold you so close that you’d pop right into being my boyfriend again.

I don’t know if I can keep seeing you like this if you haven’t forgiven me or if we are not going to date. I asked you today if you had forgiven me. And you were quiet and said my name. The response was as if you had, but you didn’t say it.

It’s supposed to take time, I know. And I struggle with accepting the fact I just have to hurt until whatever the conclusion is.
I’m running after my heart and I have to be that vulnerability, that ache of unknown, it is paying for my choices-  to really feel and know the consequences for my actions.
It’s a way to get better.

 

 

This is what You think.

You think I’m out with people.

Late at night I dance with beer sloshing out of my bottle
and straws flicking out of my thin, bending cup.

I’m busy on my phone
collecting up all the people I dropped in the past year.
I’m meeting people left right and center, going to the movies and having dinner by the lake.
You think I’m doing that
and not laying on the basement carpet staring at the water stains on the ceiling.
You think I’m blasting through this like it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done
but I’m here
I’m flipping right here
in the square middle of my bed under my covers with new tears running over the dried tears
with no desire to see or talk to any soul but you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fack.

I hate that you think I’m not doing what I am.

 

I Would if I Could

Oh you.
I saw you a week ago. But it feels more like a month.

Sunday night I texted you around eight saying I hope you had a good weekend and that your foot was okay. You replied a few minutes later with question marks. It brought me straight away to a sad place. And as soon as it did I made motion to get out of it.
I fought away from that place with a little bit of anger and… it worked. I apoligized and kept doing what I was doing before I texted you.

Next thing I know, my phone jingles and a few jumbles of texts roll in.
‘ just cone iva and say i’m an idoit. ‘
‘please’.

I stare at the screen.
I don’t know what to put.
So I put nothing.

And 2 minutes later, the phone is jingling for longer and you are calling and I pick up and my theory is correct. You have been drinking.

You’d like for me to come over. “We can make nachos “, you say.
Because you know that’s one of my favourite eats. And when you realize you don’t have nachos you say, ‘but hey, the store does!’ and I say ‘ its Sunday silly’.
And then, ” Let’s have chips and dip! I have some!”

And you do and I don’t.
Because I am unable to come over. I would. If I could.
We talk for 21 minutes and I go through waves of sadness- at the stuff you’re saying, your tone. And I’m trying to build muscle in the process of the conversation so that I have enough strength to push it off of me and you can sense it and inside whirls the mass of
” I’ll be okay without this. ”
Being talked down to doesn’t feel that great. Specially when it’s done purposefully indirectly. Specially when you’ve changed and are changing and don’t need to hear negative things that happened in the past. What makes it even sadder is the fact that I know you know this. And I know you know you shouldn’t be like this.

I love you, my soulmate.
Get yourself figured out so I can show you the best me there ever was.

Pedalling For Answers

My t-shirt arms were wrapped around you.
And then my arms were still there but the t-shirt was not.

And your t-shirt was not either.

And there we were.

Un T-shirtin’ together.

——

I dropped off some spaghetti and garlic toast on your infamous front porch around 5.

Around 8pm I replied to your thanks and said Goodnight,  for I was hopping into bed.

32 minutes of texts forth and back and then I was,
driving over there. Again.

I had a backwards hat on and upon 3 seconds in the door we were hugging and my face against your neck my lips brushing your skin and silence and holding and we were not not in touch the rest of the night. You didn’t even let my hand go when you led me towards the front window to see the new streetlights put in.

And this time we talked in focus. I pedaled for answers about our direction. Your feelings. If you could give me any reassurance.
But you didn’t want to give me an answer about the future. You want us to work toward personal goals without the influence of the idea of us being together or not. Which I get.

But it sure as heck is hard.
And it was.

You’re the best sex I’ve ever had.

And it’s not just because we’re broken up.

You tell me you love me and you ask if I love you and we’re in that stuff- love love love and we look into the portals of one another’s soul and all I see is pure and for all the minutes we spend till 3 in the morning – the future doesn’t matter.
What matters is these moments in that time and pedalling anywhere other than in that capsule of space, is the only place I want to be pedalling in.

 

 

 

 

 

I just Knew it

The thing was,
I had a feeling. A deep pit of a feeling that you were going to contact me. I even turned my phone up and put it under my pillow so I’d hear it. I guess I just felt that enough time had went by since I dropped off the last chicken dish I made for you.
Two hours into my Snoozeland, I hear a beep boop beep.
My eyes still close, I smile. Knowing it’s you. Gotta be you.

 

” So no yummy dinner today? What’d I do wrong?” you joke.
14 minutes of back and forth responses and sends.

In turn has me this morning at 9 am, driving over bacon and eggs.The porch I used to sit out and have coffee with you on last summer is where I have been placing all the dropped off dishes. And so it is this place again, where I leave the steaming breakfast.
Just for you darlin’, just for you.

I just knew it.

Cocoon Stage

 

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5 hours after we had our tea and conversations, I was back in your house ( which was once mine ), laying next to you.
You were hungover and we laid in bed and I played with your hair and massaged your back and and and.. yeah.

The stew of confusion is now steaming and I can feel something inside my heart.
I know you are not ready for me.

We know we shouldn’t be seeing each other. But we don’t want to not.

” I was pretty good wasn’t I?” You say, referring to the week of no contact.
And here I was convincing myself that it was easy for you, that you were spending time with your family and evaporating me from your mind.
Those thoughts made it easier to be apart from you.

We love each other, want to be around each other and I’m beginning to wonder if this love is powerful enough to override the time and space we so feel we need.

We need time that we don’t want yet the saying ‘fools rush in’ is a daunting piece in both our minds. How much damage occurs if we get back together so soon. If we don’t allow ourselves to heal.

You want no contact and then you do.
It is all very simple. You are being pulled in both directions and I am just the wind that goes whatever way the source is facing. You are calling the shots and  I don’t have ( nor do I care to have ) much choice at the moment. I am okay with that. For now.
This is a depiction of your flipflop of a mind, and I need you to see that.

In the wavering of your decisions, it is more probable that the outcome is this: you will see you do not want to be a part from me, not now, not ever.

And this outcome is where the beginning of forgiveness will start.

“Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
C. JoyBell C.