A Sure(d) Stay

When I have a heavy heart
I don’t feel fat or off the scale.
I feel my blood veins disjointed
And dragon sadness of a tail.

A heart with weight,
can also mean pure and full
Like explosion works of fire,
that create the half that makes the whole.

And if my heart is solid,
like that soulfire around your way,
I know we will be complete
before we start our stay.

Concrete Towers

War’d weathered feet, come stomping sideways up the green cliffs.
We didn’t think to find the solemn giggles here.
The cave puffs’ it’s ignorance, so shallow in the cove.
The flighted breath under canopy , from clouds to the throne.
Sweet dragon roll momentum, the blue plate something to peer for.
Royalist ground pepper fits underneath the sticks; so humble to be tuned.
Dialed with crumb fingers and dry mouth, the worth beaming from concrete towers.

Technical

I
will always remember you.

When you entered my life,
I would never not know you existed.
And now more then ever,
I don’t ever want to know what that feels like.

And I think about you
more often then what I think you think I do.

You’re a precious soul.
And I feel proud of myself
that I had someone like you in my life.

You are the coral people dive for.
You are the gold people mine for.

You are
one of my lifes highlights.
And my feeling is,
that,
you will always be.
I carry you in my heart wherever I go.
Sorry if you get voodoo spins or bad visuals.
You’re the light
to my demise.
And I don’t know if
you’ll ever know that.

What Would It Now

There was a time we were on the front porch
in the 2000’s of the year.
There were no stars that night,
they hid from us I’m sure.
Out of sight, they did, they were, they were
because I think
they were afraid of being around so much love.
And what we found, I’m sure
was that we were never lost
and we talked about all these things and even
the cost
of what it would be like
to be together , together…

Easy and Difficult

How easy it is to talk about what is needed in a relationship.
How easy it is to think about all the ways you will be in one. How great and connective and communicative you will be.
You know how good you would be.
Understanding, slow to respond, listen attentively. So many qualities you have for a relationship!

And then you get in one.

And you are not at all what you want to be.
You recognize the selfish parts of you. You’re far too distant and lacking.
How is this so?

How difficult it is to be consistent with a behaviour that is not yet a habit.
How difficult to make it natural, to push yourself to be comfortable with discomfort.
How uneasy to have those conversations that are needed.

How easy to think, how difficult to act.

 

There’s Truth Under the Truth

i am sorry i was the one to disturb you
to wake the giant.
i wish it was someone else
and instead, that i was the one to help you become better.

when you learn from this what you will, i will wish not that it never happened for you, but that it was someone else, that it was never me that placed it upon you, but someone else.
for if you haven’t already, you will learn something greater than what you can imagine.
you will be better than you ever have been.

but in the realistic deeper tongue of Truth that I begin to practice,

if i was never the one to make you reach your worst,
i wouldn’t have ever made it to my present best.

In developing this action of looking for honest,

I find myself okay with it being me that crushed your ego and broke your heart.


I accept it because in not doing so, I avoid and deny and ignore the truth of what happened.
If I want to live truthfully, I must accept the truth.

I accept that I broke your heart.
and I am comforted with my belief that eventually, 

 


you too, will reach your best.

You Don’t Have To Know What You Want

It’s okay to not know what you want.
You may be under the impression that you are supposed to know. That knowing will make your life feel like it has some sense. That you have direction and a focus, a purpose.
And since all of the above is true when we really do know what we want, I think sometimes we fake it. We choose something that is similar, something that is more obtainable to us then the real thing. We want for the wrong reasons.
Sometimes we may even begin to believe that it is what we want.

That gets scary. And weird. Your whole being is off and you may find you are more unhappy then not. Maybe it is more subtle then that and you feel uneasy or hesitant to make decisions. Maybe you stress over conversations you’ve had in the day or are uptight about how you can’t crack an egg properly for the lives of you and your house mates.

Sometimes pulling a few minutes from your closet and sitting with just that and your heart, you’ll find it’s telling you something. Sometimes it’s things we don’t want to hear. It may be difficult to admit that you’re not really chasing what you want but more the idea of it or so someone else doesn’t get it.

It is better to conclude you really are uncertain about what you want in life -or on a smaller scale, situations -then it is to push on in a direction that isn’t reflecting your heart.
It won’t work that way.
That is one of the many things experience has taught me.

If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean your life is pointless or flawed. We learn things at different times in our lives. Everyone has there own space and time and flow.

So just go with that.

Even when it surprises you.

Because believe it or not, your life is always flowing. Even when you feel stuck.