You’re Still Here

I think about you everyday. I miss you. I think about the what have I dones and the whys and why didn’t I and how could I and what was I thinking and in all of this, making some rational sense because sense without rational is like the national anthem without pride.
oh Life, I don’t want to disappoint you anymore.

Ugh..

My brain feels like it’s a carton full of rotten cucumbers. the kind of off soup that makes you sick.

how come you can’t follow your own doctor self ?
you have prescribed yourself the podcast, the meditations, the mentors , the friendships …. and on and on…

yet you can’t log in to the stabilized.

you can’t switch over.
when you try. You can think you really got it.
but one trip over a sidewalk crack- oh wait that’s not true for me- I laugh when I fall physically. But

this is mentally ..

you think you got yur method of exercise and health going

and then you eat a brownie.
Then you have a smartie.

where is the maintenance????
where is the frozen ice brain that slowly melts.

isn’t all ice frozen ?

Damn.

I’m in a ruin tonight.

and it’s not ancient enough to be pretty.

A Meal for Two

Relationship with my eight year old son strained
like raw spaghetti rigid in the sink
and when you toss those toothpick noodles against the wall
nothing sticks.

The sauce burnt on the stove
even though I like the smell because it smells like I cooked something nice
like how I created my son without looking at a recipe
or the ingredients.

Who measures out sperm or eggs?

So here I struggle, while he stirs the pot
of boiling brain temperatures of mine
and racing heart.

The perfect dish of basil and mushroom spaghetti doesn’t exist
but getting my hands dirty and paste splattered on my apron
that I don’t even wear because my whole body is a canvas for stains,
is this process that at least
I can use to become better
at

making the dish of Life
sticky and sweet
enjoyable.



Morning

I need to get up and be outside this early more often. It’s beautiful. Invigorating. Fresh. Like the world and my heart are one. Lush and loyal.
Solidifying that I belong here. That it makes the sense. That I am exposed both to the stillness of the wet dewy bushes and the flourish of activity from birds, squirrels and the six meet up of cats down the dirt alleyway. I like it here. At 7:02 on a Saturday morning in August.

Weight

My sister asked if I lost weight.
The cool part was that I went out for Indian food and an ice cream with my mom and her friend earlier that day.
Otherwise I had been eating soft boiled eggs, a case of soda water a day and sautéed mushrooms and garlic for dinner since august 1st.
Oh, and I dropped the booze out of the system too.
I haven’t jumped on the scale at all since July, but it was nice my habit changes were noticed.
Just been super tired and been downing black ice coffee like they’re gonna stop selling it.

Frozed Up Mouth

I had my tooth pulled today.
It was infected.

None of it actually really hurt.
They froze the left side of my jaw.
That was the first time tears started falling into my ears.
And I couldn’t get the motion to speak figured out.
It was the uncontrol. The fact that these two ladies ( professional ) could like rip my lip off or stab my gum, or switch my teeth around in there. I was helpless to their help.

The second time I cried was when I felt the flurry of there hands through my clenched eyes, and the pressure and pull. And I couldn’t breathe quite right. It was running breath I couldn’t slow to a walk and it was because I just felt that this was more difficult then they anticipated. Sharp intake of breath and I sat up in the seat and within 20 seconds my hyperventilation was over and I layed still, clenching a kleenix. Oh how I wished I brought my sons favourite stuffy.

But I got through it.
Now I sit with gauze and blood and frozen.