Older Men

I wanted to get out of the house, so I went into town.
Drove slowly through the neighbourhood,  went to a park and son had some food at a restaurant.Walking out- I see coming in,  a father whose twin boys go to my sons school.

Four minutes later I am walking down the street holding a glass vase with a rose inside of it all wrapped up in paper and an unopened envelope addressed to me.

” Just because. because I’m going to miss seeing ya each week at school, ” he had said.

It does make me feel good about myself.
It takes me back to the memory of the older men that wanted to be with me while I was in Thailand.
The 52 year old Australian who bought me my first Iphone just because. Well, he wanted me to stick around of course..
he wanted me to come back and live with him. To be Mommy to his two boys who were had via surrogate. He was incredibly wealthy.
I am not bragging, I am stating facts.
I have been low the past few days and these facts lift my heart up a bit. In an odd and guilty way.

It makes me think of the 48 year old who comes reguarly into the store I work at and has told my co-worker he’d like to date me.

It makes me think that I’m worth something.
And it bothers me that I rarely see this for myself. I do not look for it out there, but I don’t see it unless it comes in this form.

How do I fix this.

 

 

A Country Break Up

I think I thought I would miss Thailand more than I do.
I do ride on waves and big wind gusts of the stuff sometimes. But it isn’t very frequent at all. And it’s easy to get off of them.

Since moving back to Canada in September of 2014, I have been conscious-and still am- when it comes to Asian stuffs.  I refuse to have any contact in any form with Thai friends. I don’t let myself scroll through there Facebook pages or Instagram accounts. When I see Asians out in public I do find myself staring and feeling a deep connection. But that is really all I allow myself. Partly because I cannot control the sight of them, and partly because running in the opposite direction just doesn’t seem like a good thing to do.
I’ve found that it spills out an over abundance of connection to the country and memories and feelings that I consider to be  interference’s.

It’s kind of like a break-up. Emotional connections don’t just ‘zip’,’zilch’ out of your life. It takes time. You’ll still see things or hear music that reminds you of them, and that’s part of the whole process. The duration of it depends on the person.

Thailand will always be a part of my life. I had my son there and he’s a quarter Asian, for goodness sake. I am not against the country or it’s people but by cutting out as much contact with it, it has helped me lesson the emotional attachment I had pertaining to that part of my life. Coming to the understanding that I do not miss it because I have not made a place for that miss to build, is a reassuring, refreshing analysis in my life.
I am capable of doing that with other categories. I can avoid the dangerous, tempting spots. I just make a conscious effort and ‘voila’, time gets it.
Time will always get it.

Wednesday Afternoons

The shingles of the cave slid to the ground on a Wednesday afternoon. Some say it was the warmth of the feathers inside, others say it was the dust from the ocean.

Once on ground, the shingles became roof for all the creatures that walked the soil.

Umbrellas were turned into super stars and the moons fell right out of the system and landed in the hands of the feather kids.

They peeled the moons and made lemon eyes. They sprinkled on dust and curled the ends with a wooden curling iron

and they were never ever wet again. 

The Relatable

After my first 6 months in Thailand, I came back for a visit and felt the gap between every single person I was friends with prior to the leave.
Noone understood what I experienced, no one could relate and most of all, no one really asked.

It made going back to Thailand, easier.

Now I come back and realize the daily routines of people, the regular lives, is what I long for. The simple. The past. The things I was so far from six years ago, are now the ways I crave. I want to be around stability. I am far removed from Thailand and I don’t even really care to talk about it. It is off of my list of conversation.
Oh how time and experience does everything.

It’s what life is made up of afterall.

Mommy Truth

I don’t know if some Moms’ would ever admit to it. or think it.
but i have.

somedays i wish i wasn’t a mom. for those 24 hours i sometimes wish i could only think about myself. i only needed to think about what i wanted to do. somedays i wish that that is only who i had to focus on.

i know i’m a good mother. i really am, but i do have those moments where i fall apart and i yell. or i move fast. and it scares him.

 

noone is ready to give up the entire span of there life hours .

for anyone.

until it happens.

you will never be ready to have kids, as ready as you feel you can be. you will never reach that point and having that point be exactly what you felt was going to happen.

you will fall apart and days will seem poorly sewn together. you will want to fall asleep and never wake up. you will want to sleep for days and never have to feed poop guts it would seem, into your childs mouth.

i understand that noone is a perfect parent and there is no way i claim to be one.

but i am realistic to myself. when it comes to wanting more children or realising that parenthood sure has a lot of joys but, doesn’t always add up in a moment.

i realised today that where i am and who i am with is apart of that.

i realise now more than ever, what i want .

i want to be more free, not just with myself, but do more things with my partner.

my partner comes home every day and sits in front of the tv. every single day. it’s what he did when we were dating. its the movie he sits in front of. and i am active. i like to be out doing things. and so when this is just adding to the spread of differences, it sucks.

i have noone .

i just want out. a lot of the times i do. and i find creative spices in other areas. i chat online to people i have never met. i send songs and photos and write emails that make me feel special. that make me feel not worthy, but just.. someone that someone

 

 

 

and child wakes.

 

Mommy in a hood.

 

Flickering Days

I’ve been back here for three weeks.
Feels like both. Feels long and short.
Feels like I was just feeling all those emotions and hating leaving and wanting to stay forever there and at the same time it feels like I haven’t seen some people in months.
I’ve been in a funk since I’ve got back, haven’t been able to wrap my head around what’s happened. I know what I need to do but the hardest part is doing it. I’ve been pushing my head into letters and life back in Canada, in emails and texts and not really looking up to focus on my child and my present days here. I’m doing just enough to slide by.
I know this will end eventually. This time of me digging into my life back there. It’s not healthy and I know it.
But it is that addicting and that controlling.
It is incredibly scary to make a move of change. A lot has to change, and the road will be long and windy, and will carry more pot holes than I’ve ever rode over in all my life.
I must start it. I must.
Before my lamp goes out,
I must.

I am Back in Thailand

I have made the journey back to Thailand and I fully realized as I was walking through the airport in Bangkok that I really wasn’t even excited to be there. That had never happened to me before-usually there would be some level of excitement reguardless of who was picking me up. But there I was, not paying attention to the people and setting my shoulders to the understanding that I am now the minority.
I didn’t look outside much on the way home and all today I have kept the blinds closed. I have eaten my Canadian candy and played Canadian playlists and I have thought that maybe, just maybe I could pretend that I’m still in Canada. It is that bad. It is that bad because my husband isn’t around right now. My reason for living in Thailand is absent and it is clear to me that I would not be here without him.

Leaving Loved Ones

I have been in Canada the past two months. The country I grew up in . The people and culture that is now engrained in me. Within 24 hours, I will be at an airport with my son and Mother and I will be flying 18 flight hours back to Thailand where house is and husband will be and I will pick up on my life there, where I left off.
For the past four years I have been living on both sides of the world and I don’t know how to do it any other way. I am scared for the future. I am excited. I am aching with the goodbyes and my stomach is sick with dread. With what I know is to come.
My eyes are bloodshot and dry, tired and drained.
I don’t know how to do it any other way because this is what I have known. This is the heart ache I go through every single time I come for a visit. This is the pull and the push that happens. That leaves me weak in the knees. I am exhausted and feel numb and empty and full of every emotion all at once.
I am in shock.
In unbelievability.
Because it doesn’t make sense in my head how the time happened. How in two days I will be back to an entirely different lifestyle.
I am freaked out because I don’t know how I will be. I shake and spin and hope that I can do this. That I can get through one of the hardest times leaving.
I do it this way, involve and invest, attatch and connect to people here because if i don’t have this, then I don’t have much.I need this closness in order to feel valuable in this world.
I need to feel loved by more than just one person.
Leaving loved ones is one of the worst feelings.
But because I can feel that way about them, it is also one of the best.

It is better to feel,
then not to at all.

The Time Ticks and Love Grows

I just need to write this morning.
My time is speeding a long here in Ontario, even though I know I have quite a lot more left before we go back.
When I am here I can feel the part about living my own life, quite easily.
I do have the support but it actually widens the distance.
Because I know my baby like they never will and I know my life in Thailand like they don’t and they continue with their life here because that’s what they’re supposed to do and we are just the visitors, stepping in for a moment and taking a look around.
And I am slowly seeing that if we were to live here it might not necessairly make it easier for me. It’s making me aware of how much time I actually do spend with my son.
When they only take him for a few hours at a time, when they only spend a few minutes on the floor with him.. that is when I understand they only deal with snipits.
And it is what being a mother is. Your life gets transferred to another one.
I guess I am a bit dissapointed that my Mom isn’t pulling as much as I thought she would. That my brother isn’t interacting with Zeek as much as I envisioned.
It helps me to realize that living away from them all in Thailand, is an okay thing.
It helps me to see that my life really is over there and that being away from everyone, isn’t entirely a bad thing.
My love that is over there, is sturdy and unwavering. And each time I am without him, I get pulled back into the smart shoes, recognizing that what I have for him, is more than what I can express.
‘Distance makes the heart grow fonder.’

It is Happening

I’m doing it.
I’m going to make a trip back home. It will take 2 planes, 18 flight hours, 8 hours in 3 airports, and a 4 hour car ride.

It will take a day and a half.
To get from one side of the world to the other.
My nine month old,
will be in my arms.
I am shaking at the idea.
And it is still two weeks away.