Brain Activity

The last two weeks have been a continuous range of frustration and disappointment. My brain I feel, has been melting. Into liquid puddles that drip out of my ears.
I don’t know why it is all of a sudden. But I know it has been a long time coming.
The main line is. I feel dumb.
I don’t know if any of you have felt this way after living abroad for so long. I don’t know if it will go away or if the thought and the feeling will continue to pop up until I am back in my home country .
I actually get confused as to whether it is more of a thought or a feeling.
Sometimes I wonder where my brain really is.
I don’t wonder if it would be happening in Canada because I know that it wouldn’t. My mind isn’t to turned on here. And so I guess I should be taking steps to prevent the puddles I’ve got left, from dripping out entirely. Maybe I can splash around and build stuff and make this liquid productive. Things that my husband point out in which I feel like an idiot for not seeing or noticing. No one ever tells me I’m dumb so this is all in a home in my head.
It’s got small windows so no sun stains or dust are around. It is clean because Dumb is tidy and wants to stay long. I had no qualms with him until he began pounding on the walls of the hallways. He thinks this is okay because this is what he thinks he’s supposed to do.
I will start renting out to Smart and I will let Smart be right next door to Dumb and I will see how Smart stops the dripping.
Dumb will not conquer me!

Benefits With Baby Abroad

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Having a baby away from all your friends and family, in a different country where the culture is not at all simliar than your own, is bad.
And good.
It is bad for the obvious reasons that Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents do not get to create a bond and watch him grow. It is bad that my friends don’t get to be a part of this wonderful light in my life and it is bad because I get less breaks and time for myself.
But good.
Good becomes of this because there has be to good in everything. Even if we don’t see it.
I read online about other Mothers feeling judged and getting advice flung at them in all directions in the Western countries.
Here, I get none of that stuff. I live my own life, raising my child the way I want to and I don’t feel judged even though we get stared at everytime we go out. Some are bold enough to come up and touch his hands and his feet and sometimes they even touch his face. Which is always the time I bat their hands away. In Canada, maybe there would be more personal space awareness and maybe there would be less people that actually stare.

But my realisation and joy of raising Zeek here has flourished into this field of prosperous blooms! I am understanding that even though it sucks being away from my homeland, there are so many benefits to being here.

We’ve all got our rules and our own ideas about how to raise our children. Since Thailand is a slow-paced life and people are patient and wouldn’t give dirty looks if child screams in restuarant, I feel that having my first child here, really is a positive thing.
I choose to look at it this way not just because I have to be in this situation, but because the field I’m in smells wonderful and I want to be able to plant whatever seeds are growing here, further on, in and around my life.

Things I Miss about Thailand

I go back home at least once  every year and a half.
While there it doesn’t take long before I begin missing the lifestyle
that Thailand offers me. Often times  my brain will feel on the
outside of everyones. Thailand is a big part of my life now and so it
is one more thing that people cannot relate with if they haven’t been.
Two years ago I had begun to say that I would not be able to marry or
be with someone forever if they hadn’t experienced Thailand. It’s just
too large a part of me for it to go by.
When I come back to Ontario it doesn’t take any time to adjust, but
miss begins popping up only a few weeks in.
The miss will never be as strong as my miss for Canadian life but it
still develops in its own way.

I will miss the markets and the restaurants. How so much is done
outside in the open air.
I will miss the ultimate slow pace of life. How noone seems to be in a
rush and how time doesn’t matter. ( all though this has its downsides)
The bag of mango or pineapple I can get from a street vendor at any
point during the day. Roughly 75 cents.
The food stalls and there wonderful spicy smelling dishes. The ice
coffees for 75cents as well. Even the dollar beer.

I will miss the attention I recieve because i am a white blonde.
Even though there are many days I wish I could blend in, it becomes
something I miss when away from it.

Im not sure I will miss seeing 711s every 500 feet but I will miss
their distinct smell inside and the five cent water they sell.

There are people and things that are in the same spot every night. I
will miss how I know that they will be there. I will miss seeing them.
There is something about being that familiar with a city that is not
your own.  This city will never be mine but it is pleasent to have
predictable occurances.

I am okay with missing either way, (Thailand or Canada)  because to
me, miss accounts for something. Miss tells me I love.
Miss provokes genuine hope and broadens my perspective. It helps me to
dive deep when I am with people that I know I will miss.
It is a reflection of who I am.
I miss that meal because I always ate it with my boyfriend.I miss the
ice coffees because it reminds me of a time period in my life where I
walked for hours around the city. Exploring. Adventuring.

I love that I miss.

Sometimes it hurts real bad,
but I will still continue to do so

because missing accounts for something.

Things I Miss About Canada

People rarely stop to think about the simple things in life and what
it would be like to go without them. I’m apart of those people and it
wasn’t until it happened to me, did I stop to admire the simplistic
ways of my life.

I’ve lived abroad for the last four years and I can tell you that
Honey Nut Cheerio dreams frequent my sleep. I can tell you that the
smell of fresh-cut grass is something I stop for and that a job well
done is beyond rarity.

I have cravings continually, of all different kinds of western food.
Foods that were so normal to have. Like pickles, hash browns..
or a good hamburger.
China makes the best Chinese food, America and Canada are
experts in their western cuisine. Thailand do Thai best.
So it is no surprise that when all these countries attempt to
make another cultures dish, it just isn’t as good.
McDonald’s really isn’t what I know it as. Subway doesn’t have the
right tomatoes and pizza huts sauce just isn’t how I remember it.

Along with the food I crave, there are simple ways I long for.

I miss driving with a certainty, with the natural trust in others on
the road around me. Here, drivers are so unpredictable that even
the ‘dumbest’ of moves is likely to happen. Every single time.

When dining out, servers will hand you menus and proceed to stand by
the table, pen and notepad in hand.
I miss being able to feel free to take my time while ordering.

When I go to a Home store I miss being able to believe what the
employee says about whether or not the faucet will fit in properly.

I miss the perfect telephone wires and straight poles. The sewer
gratings that are aligned with the roads surface. I miss sidewalks and
the stop signs that people actually stop at. I miss even, the police.
The police that won’t ask if I have a boyfriend when they stop me.
Police that won’t make traffic worse by trying to direct it.

Sometimes my eyes long for clean streets and buildings. Ones that
aren’t plastered with colourful signs, posters and Nescafe ‘
advertisements.

Seeing homeless dogs is normal. So is seeing prostitutes. My eyelashes
don’t even bat anymore.

I miss hair salons that have my colour. I miss being able to tell the
hairdresser exactly what i want and to get it.

Oh if only people here could admit when they don’t know where
Starbucks is. Instead of pointing me in the wrong direction because
they want to save face.

Parks. And all their greenery. Slides and swings. My bones burn for
these.

Dishwashers and smiles. Houses without barred windows and metal
gates. Riding in cars with the windows down.
These all add to the missage pile.

There are plenty more things I miss and crave while away from Canada.
And I understand that whenever I return, there will be things I miss
and crave about Thailand.

These things are simple parts of everyday life. Things I didn’t
think twice about not having.
It’s made me appreciate more, the smaller things.. It’s made me see
how attatched I have got to certain aspects of my life, and made
me more aware of the impact these things have.

And since I have made a post on things I miss about Canada , it is rightly so
that I post one about what I miss about Thailand.

 

My Experience at Bangkok Pattaya Hospital

All along I didn’t have as much faith in the hospitals here in
Thailand as I did for Canada. Not necessarily skillwise  but culture
wise. What’s most common. Or the fact I’m white.  That they would give
me a C section to get more money from us. Or feed my baby a bottle
when I had asked them not to. I just didn’t trust them. Concerns like
these that mounted over the months.
I’m not saying I ever fully did trust the staff. But I knew I was in
good hands. It was the best hospital we could have went to in the
area. If not in all of Thailand.

Our doctor I felt, was very abrupt at the beginning. I had wanted her
to tell me what she was going to do when she asked me to go up on the
table. I wanted to know things, to be told them so I wasnt laced with
confusion.

In the end I came to understand how we would work.
I’d  ask the hundred questions, even if on repeat, and she would answer
then to the best of her ability.
She was great. I am happy we went with her because she made me
feel like a pro in the end. And she wasn’t getting paid extra for that.

We may never know if our little Zeek needed to spend two nights in
ICU. Maybe we could justify one, but 48 hours? Apparently he had
swallowed too much fluid. And so when I saw him for the first time he
was in the clear box with two tubes in his mouth and an IV line in his
right hand.
He looked rough then but by the next day they had removed the mouth
tubes. I held him then for the first time and cried .
Our bill ended up being double what we expected at Bangkok Pattaya
Hospital… due to the ICU. Other than that the nurses were all very
helpful and nice, the recovery room was great, food wasn’t too
terrible and the doc came by to check up  on us a few times .

I’m pretty sure the entire birthing staff saw my boobs from day one. But
in the need if it all, it didn’t bother me.
I had a baby to feed and dang well if I was gonna scout out a lone
feeding space while my new baby was screeching.

It’s difficult to believe that only three weeks ago today it all
happened.
I stepped into the realm of motherhood.
And I sit so comfortably in the fact that I won’t ever not be in it.

From here on out.

A New Gum

I’m awake before all the others in the house.
But outside I hear the birds and the cars exiting the village.
Even with all the blinds still closed, I know there is a world bustling out there.

I know that people change as time does its thing. I know that people can grow apart because of it. It’s one of those things that I didn’t ever think would happen to my own best friends and myself.
But who was I kidding. An entire year away from them coupled with drastic changes in all our lifes…there’s bound to be some new gum to chew in the package.

I live abroad, away from a fast-paced ride I grew up smiling on. Over the years I’ve adapted to this slow, un-hurryable lifestyle and I’m okay with that because the speedy ride in Canada is something I know I can get back on.
And because I enjoy this snail spin.

Both of my best friends have changed differently. Except for the part where it’s the same. They’ve always had a backbone. An opinion. But now they vocalize it like its the only thing worth selling in the world. They’ve got speech and conversation down pat like I used to. They’ve got bigger words that I haven’t used in years, and I feel alittle overwhelmed and lost.

I don’t have friends here that speak proper English. I have my boyfriend and that is whom I go to with it all. But  I’ve turned into more of a listener, because thats partly how him and I work. So when my friends come over-seperatly mind you, and visit me in my house here, I feel the difference.
I am being spoken at, not to. My thoughts and feelings are belittled because of the easy confidence they sway in. I’ve been aware of which happenings I put my energy towards and so far this dishevelled gum tastes like surprise and confusion.
For now, I leave my two best friends and I with a quieter woman because I have yet to swallow.