Saw You

Sweat against my cheek I can only see from Monday mornings’ light
I am calm and found right now.
I dreamed last night
and not caring to shake it loose now, I just sit with it.
Inside that dream I would like to be
but inside this life
my tools and I
can make that dream
a reality.

Wind and Life

There’s something about wind: the flow of air that we cannot see but can feel, that riddles my skin to magic.

We see the leaves flutter and hear them.
And it is the unseen.

The same as such in life.

There are events, experiences, moments…essentially Time, that happens in everybodys life.
And the person is a subject of the unseen.
Wind does damage, wind does beauty, just as time does.

There is a force out there that we don’t see and it affects each one of us.

We can be the fluttering strength of a flower who won’t let go of it’s roots or the tree that crashes to the forest floor.

We get to choose how to deal with the wind of our life. 

Do.

Since I’ve  been on this site a massive amount in this month of Marchy March, I’ve wondered a few things about us on here.

About what we’re like in person.
About where we are when we post, write and read.
And if the world of sigh-brr is the only place that knows what we’re typing.
And if so, how many of us that means are ungenuine, untrue and lying to self and lonely in the real world.

I picture the world whizzing around you sitting, huddled in a comfy chair in a building. While a couple of teenage friends toss grand stories around or where older generations are laying out fragments of future plans on the coffee stained tables.

And I feel a little sorry for you.
And I feel a little sorry for me.
After configuring the amount of time I spend on here-which I do very much enjoy – I realize it’s enough time for the need of unbalance to become balanced again.
I need to go do what I’ve been writing of and internally psyching myself up for. ( Between the ideas of death and all )  Instead of being the one huddled around, divulging my learnings to you sigh-burring peoples ( all though I’ve told a few pals what’s been what )
( and hey, sometimes we all need a little bit of that time online) but too much of that time for me,  will eventually make my ideas of living better, dissipate; because nothings been done with them.

“Do.” Me Says. ( I really did say it outloud just now )

I got to the Top..and then

Quality.
I had a lot of friends. I really did. I was so likable.
And I ran so hard with it until I reached a hill and in order to get to the top to see the beauty from there, I chose to discontinue all my relationships. I was okay in doing so, because I was determined. I had to lighten myself.
And not by dropping pounds.

I reached the top but it turned out the weather up there was foggy dust. Dark. and the ability to see much of anything besides slivers and speckles of light far off was truly difficult.

I’m still standing on it. I’m not running down to pick up my old friends. I’m going to stand here, nice and strong like a big oak tree and I’m going to do what I can to clear the skies.
It tooks months to reach here afterall,
and I’m determined to make what I believe in,
come out of the dark.

Life Pondermints

Lately I’ve been thinking about my purpose in life. And also the idea– If I am not living for myself, for who I am, who am I living for? And why.

I think we get into crunches sometimes. And we’re like, ‘ what the heck, how did I get here??’. And it’s kind of a feary feeling.Because if THAT can happen, if we can get somewhere without knowing, who’s to say at which point we’ll end up at the dead point-without knowing?
Oh wait… that scenerio DOES exist.

It’s not to say we can’t end up in GREAT places, wondering how we got there.
But whether the places are of bad quality or of good, if we think hard enough, we’ll likely determine ‘how we got there. Life is pretty tell tale- it’s not all baloney and disjointed burgers of mayhem. But it does have it’s loops of crazy and surprise and mystery.
So if we DON’T figure out how we got to where we are, that’s okay.
Sometimes it’s best if we DON’T know.
But we might never know if we’re supposed to know. Chances are, if we don’t, then we aren’t.

So when I look back to figure out how I got here-well I’m supposed to know. Because I do know. It’s just kind of a weird feeling when I realize being here with a pondering of my purpose for the first time in my life,means that I never pursued potential in it before. It’s just been full of runny eggs,melted yogurt and floating dust particles.

In the past three months I have learned more about myself than I have in three years. That’s a lot of learning.
You would think that with all this new stuffs I’ve got in my pockets, I’d be hop, skip and jump-a-crumpin’ around the earth. ( Okay, so by earth I mean my city )

But NO!
My head is spun out.  It’s like being rewarded 8 different awards and not sure which one to brag about first. It’s like winning the lottery and not knowing what to spend or where to spend the money. It’s like being a new person and not knowing where,or how, to direct yourself.

You can have drives more frequently than others and therefore be considered driven but they all come and go. I’m okay with that, but what does starting my car mean? I know we start at the beginning, but I don’t know where the key to my car is. My heart?

I guess I just want my forward movement to represent the new I am. It shoudn’t be that difficult, but I think reassessing purpose and realizing I was living for nobody at all has really made socks of hesitation for my feet. I’m scared to step anywhere.

But hey,maybe by taking a step in wherever direction, is exactly what I need to figure out where I do or don’t want to step, and give me plans and goals to start mapping my life journey. To start a career of life, by actually choosing what happens in it, instead of just reacting to what does.

Now to stop typing and start doing.
That’s a step, ain’t it?