Today

SighBrr Friends…

 

 

Today marks an entire month of zero alcohol for my bloodstream. For my tastebuds. My system.

Besides nine months of pregnancy in 2012, it has been the longest I have went without a drink in 10 years.

10 fricken years.

It may be a sad piece to be proud of, but I’m gonna take it and be just that.
Proud of my self.

Because if we’re not proud of little pieces here and there in our life,  we’re gonna be a lot more unhappy and a lot less great to be around.

Was I? And The Affects

Can I/Could I have really been/really be considered an alcoholic if I haven’t had a drop in a week straight?  Just like that?
Hmmm….

Here are some affects I’ve noticed.
Like I mention in this post:5 days In with a Belly

I’ve eaten about 6000 M&Ms and the like.
But the major and the bestest is : my mind feels a lot clearer. I feel more like myself with more upbeat thoughts and when I do have weigh me down thoughts, I grab a bag of chips, yes, but I also don’t just immediatly think death.
I am forcing myself to think positive future forward thoughts.

And it’s kinda working. So that’s..
well,
kinda cool.

Finding Boozela

You kinda gotta step back a few when you’re finding empty bottles of booze in crevices around your main functioning area. I found two wine bottles in my pile of clothes and one vodka in the basement closet beside some shoeboxes.

I found one bottle under my bed and another stuffed in my underware drawer.

I only remember putting some of them where I found them.

Geeze.

Well now they’re all in my recycle bin ready for glass blowers to make something beautiful out of the disaster they were making me. 

 

Am I Addicted?

Sister and her boyfriend of 10 years enter the house my mother left the day before and within 61 seconds of being in the same room as them, he is looking me in the eyes and telling me I need help with my drinking.

 

I’m going to test myself and see how long I can go without a drink.

For as far as I know, as far as they know, I drink everyday.

I don’t!

Diagnosing me with inaccurate information.

Yes I drink a lot. But I don’t believe I’m addicted.

Maybe that’s what the addicted believe though.

Hm. Let’s figure it out then, shall we.

Eventful Saturdays.

 

Stop Myself

I’m guzzling down soda water as if it’s gonna fill me up with helium and float me off to EvertheNever Land.

Truth is,
I’m in the beginning process of trying to stop drinking booze.

Truth is,
I don’t normally tell people what my plan is;whether it’s to lose five pounds, to spend  100 bucks a month on clothing instead of 300 or to be a better person.
I just do it.
For I find intimidation in revealing an attempt.
As if vulnerablity is my own failure.

But this time around,
I don’t  really care.

Which is kind of bad.
I don’t really think my heart is in it.
It musn’t be.
But anyhow,
a’guzzlin I shall go.

 

Memory Crash

I don’t remember grocery shopping with my Mother last night.

I do remember standing outside a store downtown with a woman I had just met, smoking a cigarette with her. I don’t even smoke.

I don’t remember getting home or even when I left the coffee shop my family was in.
I remember talking to one of my good friends there, and holding their 9 month old. I probably shouldn’t have.

I don’t know how well I did at bowling. Maybe I wiped out or maybe I tripped up the little step.

 

I don’t know where my two water bottles of wine went,

but I can guess.

Better

So I think I’m getting  a little tired of all these sad, mud-filled posts of mine. Sure, the internet is a garbage disposal. Not to say that all we’re expressing is garbage. Some of us have blogs just to vent out madness and sadness and hopelessness. That’s fine. Who am I to say really .

I’m just. There’s a point for me, where it’s not so much beneficial anymore.
Where I’m just latching onto the negative I’m expelling and using it as weapon towards any potential happiness.
I haven’t drank in two days. That’s a pretty good sign. And now I’m wanting to lesson the sad posts. Another good sign.

Work has been so excellent. I’m more happy than ever to go. Weird huh.

Anyhow, here’s to trying for more positive posts in the future.
Because there is always,
always,
something worth being happy about.

Even if  it’s a good makeup day.

Plummeting

My marriage is failing.
It is crumbling and it is not because of him, it is not because of us, it is because of me.
I am the most lost I have been in 10 years and I am drinking everyday and I want to go back to Canada and I am not putting effort into living in Thailand because I’m already gone.

My situation is threatening everything I am coming in contact with .
Since having my son one year ago, it is the longest I have went without contacting my family.
I have no desire to.

It is ugly amazing. How much one can have. A loving faithful husband. Money to get massages and facials and pedicures. A pool to swim in everyday. A maid to come clean house every other day. A happy healthy child.

I am not happy with myself and I don’t know even want to get out of it. I have slumped into this lazy haul and I am directing negative into the people I love.
Into myself.
I don’t even want to try and be happy.