I organize unorganized messes in the bottom of my brain. Where parades of memory drummers march around in circles waiting for me to fall.
And sometimes I do because I let myself. Falling is sometimes the only way to feel that something is right in life that life is not just in the living room of my heart but that it is the heart and that I am here because of it.
I’m a bit lost these days. What does one do? I guess I never thought I would be in this situation because I’ve been pretty darn great at keeping myself happy. But it is a new low.
When you know you can be better in your relationship, when you know the things you need to do, but you have no will to do them? When you know you are capable of being happier and you are focused on what you think you need but deep down you know that you need to fix what you are in.
You need to fix what you are in because right now, it is fixable.
But it is the most scariest thing I have ever been a part of because it deals with my child and my marriage and I now, after only so long, I realise I am not fit to be commitable. I can’t do it. I run. I have run all my life out of relationships.From people that have wanted to marry me. From people that would have done so much to keep me.
Little things irritate me and I have been able to run because of all the others out there.
Even now, they are there. But it has taken this long for these things to add up, about him. About the guy I married. It has taken this long, four years, for even the tiniest bit of running thought, to enter. And I wonder, why the hell now.
I am so far removed from this situation. I’m already out and I don’t want to be in. But I feel pressed to be and we started documents today to move to Canada and I know I am supposed to talk to him and say everything and spill it all, but I am Running Women, I have been doing it all my life and this is where it gets me. To here. To a dead end. Because I know I will not be happy. I am doing this to him and to myself. To our son.
And I feel so messed up. There is noone I have. No best friends. Noone to talk to.
I’ve got myself here,
How do I get myself out ?
It's really quite note-worthy of how awake one can be one
morning and how
absolutly not, another.
I fine tuned a song on my guitar and cut branches that were
hiding the garbage can outside. I spent an hour perfecting
an email, did the sink of dishes, dusted things up high
and had the urge to swim in the pool.
All before 8:30 am.
My creative juices do flow.
I may as well don a cap of slothery and climb into a bed of lazy leaves.
Two upbeat days in a row?
Sheesh, who am I kidding but myself.
But I do kid myself because I am more of one then a sloth. At least for now.
And longterm I do thank my pops for that one.
And shorterm I just look at Life in the eyes and smile,
knowing that from it, I get everything I have.
I get the happiness that gives me the energy to do what I do in the morning.