Breakdown

I had a breakdown yesterday. I sat outside on the wooden chairs, facing away from the house with my guitar in hand and sobbed till there was a puddle at my feet. I was involuntarily moving and for the first time in years, I felt fear for my behaviour. I felt panic rise, my stomach going in and out while my hands clenched and unclenched the wooden table.

With ‘Love More and Worry Less’ in my ears, I looked up at the tree and I desired to be right under it. So I stood and laid down on the wooden patio, straight out like a board and I watched the leaves twinkle in and out and I watched the sky flicker between them and I closed my eyes and I wanted sleep.

And then my husband and son were standing over me and I was getting up and I was putting a bottle in the stroller and then son in the stroller and telling husband I was going to walk to Family Mart.

I got a bottle of rum and Coke Zero and I sat down outside while Zeek drank his bottle and I poured my rum into the Coke Zero and we sat watching traffic drinking from bottles.

And later that evening after son goes to bed I will desperately feel a need to call anyone from Canada and I will sit on the bed frantically punching in numbers on my Thai cellphone and will slowly realise that I do not have enough credit. Husband will come upstairs and hand me his phone and I will call my mother and while she sits in a bank parking lot across the world I will sob to her for twenty three minutes and I will tell her it is the unhappiest I have been.

And it is not until I hang up, that the significance of the statement confronts me. I have been telling myself and others that I’m happy but could be happier, not that I’m unhappy or sad .

I pick up Toast, my teddy bear that is larger than me, grab a sheet from the spare bedroom closet and I open the door to the balcony off our bedroom. I lay down with Toast while cars pass below and I fall asleep.

I awake to husband standing over me and I get up and I fall sleep in the bed but it takes me awhile and I do not have a good sleep.

I am unhappy and I have finally said it out loud.
I’ve finally admitted I am.

I am Back in Thailand

I have made the journey back to Thailand and I fully realized as I was walking through the airport in Bangkok that I really wasn’t even excited to be there. That had never happened to me before-usually there would be some level of excitement reguardless of who was picking me up. But there I was, not paying attention to the people and setting my shoulders to the understanding that I am now the minority.
I didn’t look outside much on the way home and all today I have kept the blinds closed. I have eaten my Canadian candy and played Canadian playlists and I have thought that maybe, just maybe I could pretend that I’m still in Canada. It is that bad. It is that bad because my husband isn’t around right now. My reason for living in Thailand is absent and it is clear to me that I would not be here without him.