If I broke the bubbles in the bath with a sledgehammer , I thought myself a murderer. When I break my own heart, I feel like a loser in the gutters of East Toronto. What is the difference between smashing up other peoples lives instead of your own? What makes guilt fight conscience?
What makes you live so poorly so intentionally unpotentially? You know there is more out there for you then sucking bubbles down your throat trying to drown your sorrows,
And when we have the choice to leave on a bad note or a better one-and we always have that choice- we know which one to choose. Not always the easiest, but always the best. When you leave, leave with as much love in place as possible.
I grow and I learn,
and it is more common now
that I feel this happening.
I am aware and understanding
of the favorable and opposing.
I long to be strong and broken free
of this position I put myself in
time over and time under.
This is easier to accept then it was,
but it doesn’t go without struggle.
These that pull and push
not what I want
but at what length
what I will allow
and if I’m okay with feeling
like shite for it
every now and then.
I feel unFair and I am Feeling
that I let calibre go
just to feel the good I long for.
My son is almost four months old.
I’m finally pretty darn confident I know what he wants each time he cries! I’ve learned it over the past while and it’s a hill I feel connected to and am proud about.
But there will always be hills when it comes to raising a child.
The next one that is already at my feet deals with habits.
I know what will stop my baby from crying but do I want him to depend on it months later? Do I want him to need my boob or for me to be laying next to him, in order to fall asleep?
This is something I’ve been faltering with.
This is a hill I must get over.
By doing so I will have to hear my baby cry more. I will have to use other things to soothe him… to vary it before dependence becomes an issue.
But he will for much longer, depend on the things I provide.
Depend on me for the things he needs.